ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXI, Issue 9401, 6 January 1894, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

I The head waiter of an hotel in the Wesb End was referred to as "a man of soup-or-fbh-all attainments." "Tommy, who was Joan of Arc?" asked the teacher. " Noah's wife," said Tom who is great at guessing. -He (poetical): " Ah, who can express the power of love?" She (practical): "I can. I It's two-donkey power." / The cab has nine lives, which shows that Nature had a pretty fair idea of what the cat would have to go through. "The sentence is that ye be hanged," said a Welsh judge to a poor criminal, " and I hope it may prove a warning to you." i. We care not for the leafy Junes, , Nor for the flowery Mays; • v The months that sing the sweetest tunes - - , Are those with five pay-days. , Gallup: '«Do you think I can safely trust a business secret to Banks ?" Higbee : " I should say so. I lent him a sovereign nearly a year ago, and he has never breathed a word about it since." As a natural result:—Mrs. Secondtime (peevishly): "My first husband used to let me have my own way in everything." Mr. S.: "And what were the consequences?" ! Mrs. S. : "He died." . • . He was an applicant for'a position as tram-car conductor. " Whab < are your' qualifications for. the place?" asked the superintendent. "I used to work in a sardine packing establishment." . , , Young bride (pouting): " Here we have only been married two days, Clarence, and you're scolding me . already.", , Husband: "I know, my dear; .but just think how long I have been waiting for the chance." •} was -an incorriible old bachelor who said, " Though some very romantic maiden may oxclaim, 4 Give me a hut with the heart that I love,' most of-the sex would j vastly prefer a palace with the man they I hate. v.\ , . i ''I, hope you will be lenient with me, your i lordship," said the thief as he stood up to be sentenced "I. have , a good many dependent on me for their support." "Chil- | dren?" asked the judge. "No. Police detectives." *,• A business secret Mr. Isaacs : 44 I sells you dot coat at a great sacrifice." Customer : 4 " Bub you say that of all your goods. How do you make a living ?" . Mr.' Isaacs: ' "Mein frienb, I makes, a schmall profit on de paper and string." - . ; "I 'see by the papers that your , friend Longwate is meeting with the greatest success as a writer of a series of articles, 4 How to get on in life.'" " Yes and I'm glad of ib. The poor fellow, has failed in everything else he ever tried." A foreign diplomat, conversing with the Hawaiian Queen on tha subject of ' the mixed races in Hawaii, said: 44 But your Majesty surely has no white blood in your veins?" "Indeed, I have white blood :in my veins," said the Queen. 44 My grandather ate Captain Cook." > , ~ . A Scotch preacher who found his qongrefgafcion going to sleep one Sunday before he had fairly begun, j suddenly -stopped and exclaimed: " Brethren, it's nae fair. Wait till I get ay starb, s and - then, *if I attf nae worth listening to, gang to sleep; but dinna nod your pows before I get commenced, f Gie a mon a chance." . , Patient (to • family. doctor): - "In your absence, doctor, I was , compelled to call in young Sawbones. :He said that the" clinlical symptoms indicated. chronic intestinal inflammation. : WhaO is that in plain English ?" Family doctor :>" In plain English iit means, that. Sawbones - didn't know what was the matter with yoti."