ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIX, Issue 8986, 17 September 1892, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

The old age we are taught to reverence never dyes its beard. Many a woman who cannot drive a nail or a horse can drive a man. A man may get rid of all his intimate friends by giving them away. When a merchant " assigns" he generally assigns the wrong reason for it. It is always the man who doesn't shovel the dirt who is willing to give advice. Never borrow trouble. The interest you have to pay for the accommodation is excessive. Everybody has more or less cause to be unhappy. Happy is the man who is too busy to be miserable. The heathen in their blindness bow down to wood and stone. After tbey have been converted they learn to worship gold. An insult from certain sources is a compliment. When an ass kicks at you he does so because he recognises that you are unlike him. Too young to marry:—" Do you refuse me on account of my age ? lam only fifty-five. "That's just it. You may live fifteen or twenty years yet." "Do you call this a pint?' asked the model hired girl of the milkman. "Yes." " Well, it won't do. When this family wants condensed milk it'll buy ib at the grocery." "Do you think your*"father likes me, Mamie?" "lam sure he does." "What makes you sure ' Because it was only yesterday he asked me when you and I were going to be married, as he wanted to live with us." " 1 suppose it is something of a tribute to one's beauty when a gentleman rises and gives one his seat in a car," said Miss May somewhat proudly. "That depends," said Miss Keene; "in some cases it is a mark of respect for age." The father had gone away and left his only son in charge of the store. " Are you the head of the firm?" asked a man with a sample case entering the establishment. "No, sir," remarked the young man with great urbanity, " I'm only the heir of the head." Neighbour : "My! my ! So the story is true and your husband has really eloped with the servant girl?" Deserted wife (weeping): " Yes, and she was the best girl I ever had, too—a perfectly lovely cook, and so quiet and respectful. Dear knows where I'll be able to get another." Rev. Peter Swunn (rubbing his hands): " Well, my dear, I have made eleven hearts beat happily to-night; I have married five couples." Mrs. Swunn; "Eleven? How can that be five couples 5" Mr. Swunn ! " Oh, you haven't counted me in. I received two guineas from each bridegroom," " Literature certainly runs in the Green • smith family. The two daughters write poetry that nobody will print, the son writßß plays that nobody will act, and the mother writes novels that nobody will read." " And what does the father write ?" ." Oh, he writes cheques that nobody will cash." Whab he lived on :—Seeker: " I'll be bound if lean understand why itis that every thing soma people eat turns to fat. Now, there's Plumber. • One year ago he was as lean as 1 am ; now look at him—round as an inflated balloon. I wonder what he live 3 on?" Sageman: "I thought everybody knew that; he lives on his rich aunt in the country." y