ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVIII, Issue 8538, 11 April 1891, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

The man who never made a mistake is first cousin to the woman who never gossiped, and she in turn is closely related to somebody of the George Washington type. Wife : " Good-bye, dear ; take good care of yourself." Husband: "Good-bye, and write me a curtain lecture every once in a while, otherwise I may not be able to go to sleep." - , _ , Foreigh prince : " My dear mees, I have no words to tell you how mooch I lofe—" Heiress "Put it 'in figures, then, my dear prince. Put it in figures. How would £2000 a-year do ?" . „,,_ ~ Wife: "You dance a great deal'better than you did before we were married. Then you always tore my dress in dancing, but you don't now." Husband : " Humph ! Then 1 didn't have to pay for it." Houston (of Texas) : " Ive finally settled that 500 dollars I've owed to Hank Jones for so long." Mrs. Houston: '.'l'm so glad ! But whore did you get the money." Houston :'" Didn't have no money ; I just, shot Jones." ■• . Wife: "Now, this is a nice time for you to come home from the lodge. Here it is half-past two." Husband: "What of it? If I hadn't gone to the lodge at all it would be half-past two just the. same, wouldn't it?" Bismarck says his only ambition is for a good epitaph. Plenty of his enemies would agree' to furnish the epitaph if Bismarck would only furnish the opportunity. A man can't expect an epitaph as long "as he lives. "Allow me to lay this little gift at your feet." "No, no; I never take presents from my gentlemen friends." " But this is only a copy of my poems." " Oh, in that case I don't mind. I thought it was something of value." rusty bachelor (in a statue gallery) : " There ! chat's Minerva, the goddess of wisdom. She never got married." Artful widow : " No, but this is King Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived. He married a thousand times."

" Do you know anything new for a birthday present for my husband !" " Oh, yes ; tell him to-day that your dressmaker's bill is fifteeen pounds, and then on his birthday tell him that it is only five. You have no idea how he will enjoy it." " I am not a business man, you see, and I should be ''glad if you would enlighten me as to what is meant by double entry ?" "By double entry we mean two sets of books, one of which may be produced in court, if required, but not the other." Merchant: "I wish to insert an advertisement in the Morning Bugle." Clerk: "Yes, sir." "Commence in this way: ' Pay Cum,' and put those words in large letters." " Yes, sir." "And I wish you'd trust me for the amount for a month or so." " How about that halt-sovereign you owe me, Borrowell ? I am afraid you are forgetful about little things." " Yes, I know I'm forgetful about things ; and I'll tell you what you'd better do. Lend me £4 10s to make it a fiver, and I shall be much more likely to remember it." Lawyer: " If anybody asks for me this afternoon tell them I am called away on most urgent business." Office boy : " Yes, sir." Half-an-hour later a stranger calls and asks: "Is Mr. Quill in?" Office boy : "No, sir; he's been called away to the football match on most urgent business." Visitor' to insane asylum (to keeper) : " And who is that gibbering idiot over there?" Keeper (sadly): "That poor fellow was one of our most promising young lawyers till he took a young lady to a football match one afternoon and attempted to watch the game and explain it to her at the same time." "I think wo shall have to try again," remarked the photographer, as he critically examined the negative; " the expression is too stern and forbidding." " The negative is all right," said the customer, picking up his hat; "all I wanted was a portrait to send to my wife's aunt. She is thinking of visiting us this summer." " Mr. Brief," said the judge, grimly, " it seems to me you are wasting time ; you might as well attempt to make the court believe that two and two do not make four." Brief settled his eye-glasses a little more firmly on his nose, and responded blandly, " May it please your lordship, I am prepared to do that. Two and two make '22." The shadow of a smile played round the corner of the judge's mouth as he sat back in his chair and said, " You may go on with your argument, Mr. Brief."