ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVIII, Issue 8472, 24 January 1891, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Be content with your lob, more especially if it's a lob of money. The doing of the will of God leaves no time for disputing about His plan. It is better than a landed estate to have the right kind of a father and mother. The Lord intended women to be good. The devil is content if they are pretty. Every mother owns the best boy —the worst boy belongs next door every time. Time flies on in the same rapid course, and while we still trifle, eternity is upon us.

A man never knows how much he can do till he tries—nor how badly he can do ib either.

You do nob always get returns from your wisdom, but you always get big returns from your follies." Kisses are like an actress' diamonds. The oftener they're stolen the better their owners are pleased. She (after a lover's quarrel): "You may return my letters." He (editor): " Did you enclose stamps." A man no sooner gets old enough to know how to talk well than he also learns the value of not talking at all. "(iive me the man who singsat his work," says some gushful writer. Do. Give him to anybody that wants him. Jack : " Isn't Adele an enthusiastic dancer?" Maud : " Yes, poor girl ; she is getting to an age when she must be." We have no words except praise for the dead. This is natural, as we usually exhaust our whole stock of blame on them when alive.

Johnny : " What is a theory, pa ?" Pa : "A theory, my son, is an impracticable plan for doing something that is impossible."

A man is always wanting somebody to tell him how handsome ho looks. A woman will just stand before a glass and see for herself.

It appears to be an established truth that an ounce of keep-your-mouth-shub is better than a pound of explanation alter you have said it.

"Ah, good-morning !" said the early bird to the worm. " Looking for a job?" ".That's what. Anything I can do for you?" "Yes, you'll about till the bill, I think." A correspondent who signs herself " Sophia " says that woman is twice as good as man, and proves it thus by the very orthography : VV-o-ma-n—double you, O man. Teacher : " Tommy, you may explain the difference between wages and salary." Tommy : " The man that draws a salary has to spend most of it for good clothes or lose his job." A young lady being vexed with her lover, treated him so coolly that he requested permission to wear his ulster in the parlour. He said she soon made it warm enough for him after that.

M'Fiugle : " How much is Brownson worth?" M Tangle : "Nothing!" " Why, I understood he had some valuable property." Oil, yes, his property is worth a good deal. Bub Brownson himself is worthless."

A hardened bachelor thus replied to the criticisms of some friends who upbraided him for not taking a wife : " You certainly could not expect me to marry ;i woman who'd be foolish enough to have me ?" A man, very much intoxicated, was taken to the station house. •' Why did you not bail him out?" inquired a bystander of a friend. " Bail him out !" exclaimed the other ; " why, you could not pump him out."

.Molly was telling an absurd dream when her mistress broke in with, " You must have been asleep when you dreamt such stuff as that." " No, indeed, ma'am," she replied, tartly; "I was just as wide awake as 1 am this minute."

Mrs. Old boy : " Oh, you needn't talk, John. You were bound to have me. You can't fay that I ever ran after you." Oldboy : '• Very true, Maria ; and the rat-trap never runs after the mouse, but it gathers him in ail the same."

Couldn't play the George Washington dodge: Father :—" Did you break this vase?" Johnny : " Yes, father ; I can't lie." Father : " Indeed ! Well, you won't be able to sit cither when I urn done with you. Come along to the woodshed."