ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVII, Issue 8354, 6 September 1890, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

The piano-maker works that) others may play. A professor of acoustics ought to have sound ideas. "No news is good news," perhaps. But you can't make an editor bolieve it. '' Mr. Marshare must be a model husband." " Why so?" "Heis so attentive to other women, you know, ho must bo a perfect slave to his wife." First printer: " I've worked in this office now for nearly fifteen years." Second printer : " And I've been here—let's see, how many yearshow long since the towel was washed ?"

" My income is small," said a rather dilatory lover, "and perhaps it is cruel of me to take you from your father's roof." " But I don't live on the roof," was the prompt response. Doctor : " What is your husband's complaint, ma'am? Is it chronic?" Wife: Yes, sir. 1 have never known him to be satis lied with a meal for the past thirtyfive years." Mrs. Blonde (wildly): Where did this black hair come from?" Mr. Blonde: "I was riding behind a black horse, and he switched his tail—" " This is a fine hair." " Yes, it was a fine horse." Census enumerator : " Where were you born ?" Citizen : " There was Oi born ? Did ye iver hear th' loik ? An' me an Alderman in th' city of New Yorruk ! Sure, yez moight know Oi'm an Amerikin." "The matter is, sir," calmly replied his wife as ho strodo up and down the room— " the matter is that this baby inherits your temper." And the husband returned to his paper with a gloomier look than before. " Docs Miss Hysee sing?" asked a man of a friend who had just introduced him to a young lady. " Well, that's largely a matter of faith." "I don't understand you." " It depends altogether on which you believe —her mother or her neighbours." Miss Jones : " Professor Griddle, do you dare to look mo in the face and then say that I originally sprang from a monkey?" Professor Griddle (a little taken aback, but equal to the occasion): " Well, really, it must have been a very charming monkey." She "Am I the first woman you ever loved?" He : " I think you are the first I ever truly loved. I have been attracted more or less by other women, but in each instance, before I fell in love with you, there could bo found some rational excuse for it."

"I suppose that married life is really more happy than the life of a bachelor?" " Yes, I think it is. Still, there's room for improvement. I believe it would be more of a success if she would pay a little more attention to what I say and not so much to what I do."

Dr. Parr and Erskino were fond of bandying compliments with each other. Parr once told the latter that, if ho survived him he would write his epitaph. " You are wrong to say that, doctor," replied Erskine, "for you hold out to me an inducement to commit suicide."

" You see," said Uncle Job, " my wife's a cur'ous woman. She scimped, and saved, and almost starved all of us to get the parlour furnished nice, and now she won't let one of us go into it, and hain't oven had the window blinds of it open for a month. She's a cur'ous woman."

Mrs. A. : " What a pleasant person Mrs. Greene is to visit. She always receives 0110 so courteously, you know." Mrs. B. Why, that's the only reason that 1 do not call upon her. It's a sign of vulgarity, don't you know, to appear so pleased to see visitors. It looks as though you were not in the habit of receiving company." Andy: "Is it thrue, Angus, me bhoy, that the bag-poipes froightened the noightingalesclane out av yer counthry ?" Angus : " Maype ay ant maype oohphum. Put, my lat, tero's wan sing tab ta pipespless her — wull no couldnt do, an' it's shust this whatever— she'll no couldt friclitet awa' ta Irishman. H'm !"

A report having recently been circulated that Mdme Sarah Bernhardt was likely to have to lose a leg by amputation, an American showman is reported to have proved himself brilliantly equal to the occasion. The enterprising impresario at once offered to buy, embalm, and exhibit the limb, with a handsome share in the profits for the original owner. Here would have been a splendid chance for the rand but eccentric artist to live up to her reputation for eccentricity by accepting the offer, and going to admire her own leg on her nexo visit to the States.