ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVII, Issue 8162, 25 January 1890, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

It does not take a very hard hit to knock some people silly. ... The ocean greyhounds have no time to consider barks at sea. Before arithmetic was invented people multiplied on the face of the earth. A reasonable man is one who accepts the situation until he can get a better place. Gossip has been aptly defined as putting two and two together, and making it five. Mrs. Malaprop invited a few friends the other day to partake of a cold " relation." Funny, isn't it, that after a man has once given his word he should try so hard to keep it ? The problem, " How can tho world come to an end when it is round 2" still remains unsolved. The girls have taken to wearing silver buckles on their belts. Another way of wasting money. Stranger (in the country) : " Sonny, where can I get a drink ?" Sonny : " Down to our horse trough." First guest: "Why do they call this Indian pudding?" Second guest: "Because no one but an Indian can eat it." There is no law to prevent people who deserve statues from leaving money behind to pay for them, provided they have it. The philosopher is like the moon brightness is due to reflection. Ho is not always bright when he is full, however. In a tailor's shop—"l am looking for a fashionable overcoat." " All right, sir. Will you have it too short or too long ?" Little Clara (who is crying because her papa is going to marry again) : " Oh, what would my mamma say if she were alive ?" "Meet me on the corner to-nite," he wrote, " and dew not fale." And she answered him, " there is no such' word as ' fale.'" "It is easier for some peoplo to write their memoirs," remarked Goggles, " than it is to find readers for them after they are written." We all know that it is wrong to talk about people behind thoir backs; bub talking about a man in front of his back is not so easy. Guzzlerre : "Don't run my teacup over. I said I only wanted it half full. Don't you know what that is ?" Mrs. Guzzlerre : " I am your wife, my clear." Policeman : " Do you have to take care of the dog ?" Nursegirl: "No ; the missus says I'm too young and inexperienced. I only look after the children." "Darling, this lady is Mrs. Barber ; can't you come and say something to her Miss Two Year-Old : " Barber, barber, shave a pig, how many hairs are in a wig ?" Innocent youth : " How I admire Miss Tranquille's calmness! She never loses her self-possession." Tart maiden : " And never will. None of the young men want her." Speaking of the what-would-you-do-if-you-were-a-man question, it was an unfeeling woman who said she supposed she would make a fool of herself just like any other man. Not exactly as she meant it:—Miss Gusher (to Mr. Skriblar): "So this is Mr. Skriblar ? How de'.ighted lam to meet you ! I shall be so much more interested in your writings after this." Someone asked an old lady about a sermon. "Could you remember it?" "Remember it! La, no ; the minister couldn't remember it himself. He had to have it written down." " Thomas, if my wife asks you where I am, tell her I have gone to the opera." Servant: " Certainly, sir, certainly ; bub where are you really going, in case anybody else should want to know Nowadays the young men of the period don't go down on their knees in nervous agony before their future wives. They hold a solitaire diamond ring above their heads, and the girls jump for it. Needed coaching : —Young farmer (apologetically) : " I know I'm a perfect bear in my manners. Miss Edna." Sweet sixteen (hesitatingly) : " No, you're not; youyou —never hugged me yet." English as she is spoke :—Miss La Mode (looking into Farmer Fleece's garden) : " You asked me to stop some day and see your fine lettuce heads. Are these they ?" Farmer Fleece : " Them's urn." " What makes you look so happy, Fred ? Heard good news ?" Yes. Overheard my wife tell a neighbour this morning that instead of getting a new bonnet this winter she intended to trim up last year's hat." "So your old uncle is dead, Charley?" "Yes, died yesterday." "He was a very eccentric old fellow. Do you think he was altogether right in his head ?" " Well—er —I couldn't say, you know, till the will is read." Miss do Laine: " You seem to be very fond of your friend Miss Hair. You never tire of kissing her." Miss de Silk : " Well, I do not care much for her personally, but did you notice what a sweet little moustache she has 1"