ODDS AND ENDS:

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVI, Issue 9368, 18 May 1889, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS:

Youth is the time of hope. When a man gets a little older he stops hoping and begins reaching out for whatever he can get. A preference : —" Do you believe fcihat Dr. Holmes was right when he said ' poverty is a cure for dyspepsia ?'" "It may be. I'd rather have the dyspepsia." Little Nellie was reading a lesson about ice to her grandmother. "Do you know what ice is, Nellie?" "Yes, grandmamma ; it's water fast asleep." A certain religious paper has two departments of news, namely, religious a.nd secular. A little boy explaining this fact to his sister said there were two parts to the paper, a religious and a sacrilegious. A father says to a little girl of five : "Suppose a little girl should strike yon, you wouldn't strike back, would you ?" After a moment's thought she said : "I should want to show her how she did." Husband: " There you go again. Money, money, always money. Can't you see how your extravagance is telling on my health ? lam no longer the man I was— am losing; flesh. 1 am wasting, wasting " Wife : " Wasting your breath." " What's the matter, Smithers —don't your books balance " No. The expense side, thanks to my wife's dressmaker's bills, completely outweighs the income side. I tell you, Jones, marriage isn't exactly a failure, but it comes mighty near bankruptcy." Boston Magistrate to prisoner: "You admit that you hit your husband with a stove-lid, and yet you claim there are extenuating circumstances governing the case?" Prisoner : "Yes, sail; dere was a cxtenuatin' sarcumstance. Do stove-lid warn't hot."

Game —Six-penny nap. Brown goes nap and wins ; Parson Robinson pays in threepenny pieces. Jones (very jocosely) : "Ha, ha, Robinson ! been robbing the church plate, eh?" P.R. (with great irony): " You recognise your miserable little contributions, do you?" "And now, sir," said the examiner, " pray tell me in which of Ins battles was the great Gustavua Adolphus killed?" Atter a considerable time spent in deep reflection, the youth replied, " Well, sir, to the best of my belief he was killed in the last battle he ever fought." Signs of a lazy mother. In a school in York County last week a lady-teacher put the following question to a boy "Peter Green, what is a safety-pin ?" " A safetypin is a little thing that comes together at both ends." Teacher : " What is it used for?" "It is used to keep pantaloons from coming clown." The first chapter in a novel has ths following:—"And so the fair girl continued to sit on the sand, gazing upon the briny deep, on whose heaving bosom the tall ships went merrily by, freighted—ah ! who can tell with how much of joy and sorrow, and pine lumber and emigrant, and hopes and salt fish." Young widow (tearfully) : " Yes, I loved my husband, but I cannot stand this cheerless life, and I must marry again." Friends : " You are in comfortable circum stances with plenty of servants and— " Servants ! Yes, that's just it, my friend. I can't go on keeping house and squabbling with servants without a husband to tell all my troubles to."

" You must push matters a little, James," said the druggist to the new boy. "By calling a customer's attention to this article and that article you can often effect a .sale." " Yes, sir," responded the new boy, and then he hastened to wait upon an elderly female who wanted a stamp. " Any thin' else, mum?" inquired the ambitious boy politely. " Hair dye, cosmetic, face powder, rheumatic drops, belladonna, mole destroyer—" The elderly female licked the stamp viciously, and left the door open as she went out. There is no longer room for doubt that John L. Sullivan is on a most tremendous spree. He has thrown to the winds all prudence and decency, and has become utterly reckless. His backers, who, it is understood, are G. V. Leclaire, a silk merchant, and Mr. Vincent, a brother, are, of course, much disgusted, and it is not probable that the ex-champion will ever be seriously supported again. When John L. Sullivan is drunk he is always a low, bullying, quarrelsome blackguard, and no one will ever be surprised should he be shot dead one of these days in a tavern brawl.