ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVI, Issue 9325, 30 March 1889, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

„■> # » t .... « '* "*' AT LiTTfcrc learning is a dangerous thing, afid rtbeounts for many magazine articles. - Mary Anderson has among h^r' stage 'effects 300 wigs. .This makes her thSwiggedest woman in America. ' « ' *'>•• Wife (to ..husband) : what areyou going tog give your uncle for & New ;"Year's present ?" Husband :." My watch." n Little boy at .Brighton : >• " Papa, look, at all those cows going homo by themselves to the farmyard. ;, What - doHhey 'by ?" " Well, I suppose- by their -rudders." ' -• i «»The ; managers of & -Pittsburg 'Streetcar line posted tbo Jplacajrd their •cars :."-Whoever expectorates in this car cannot expocfc'to .rate as a'gentleman." ,> ; \ A 4 doubtful 4 : complin^ent-^Hostess :»• " I hopejJybu are 'enjoying'your, Mr. Fbwfer.?" ' Guest': "Yes, . indeed. - 'This country air has given nje such ah appetite Wat I can eat almost anything. , '-■ ' •„% La ' Fianco : "Do' you know, GlaVence ''dear, that when you gave mo your first' kiss 'I > was so' astonished "that' I nearly • went crazy-!", Clarence:. "Ah, yes, darling ! I* should have known better than to give you, only ono." , " ■ ... ' Stonding to his guns :Gus (who hasn't .proposed yet): " I say, Clara, wasn't Lieutenant , Bomßhell rather attentive last, night?" Clara (absently) : . " Oh, well, he's, a soldier, you know, and never shrinks from an engagement." ■ • ' »«> " Of course -no young lady should go out at night , without a chaperone," ; said a ' Harlem belle to 'her ' Chicago visitor. j " That's so," replied the Wabash Avenue I damsel, "but every girl .hasn't got a chap of her own, you know." "Mamma," inquired a little Kentucky boy, " what was Adam's full name ?" "He only had one name, my dear ; simply Adam." "And did Eve call him Adam ?" " Certainly. What else could she call him ?" " She might liars called him Colonel." ' . ; ' ■ i Wild Western journalism is always" ready to put the cap upon any exploit' of mild Eastern' journalism. A New York pa,per having published a story that the Queen of Portugal had a moustache, a Western paper reprints it with the heading, "God Shave the Queen."

Judge (to old darkey) : " Have you ever been arrested Darkey: "Jess wnnce, sail." Judge,; "On what charge?" Darkey : "Pleurisy." Judge: Pleurisy Darkey : " Yes, sah. But I proved dat I neber seed the gal befo', and my ole 'ooman wifdrawod the cha'ge, sah." ! c President (debating club): " Well, we have had some stirring speeches' on the negative side of the question of the evening, ' Is Marriage a Failure ?' but none of the gentlemen appointed to speak on the : affirmative side nave responded." Secretary (whispering) " Their wives are here." "Tho President (loudly),: "Owing to tho ■lateness of the hour, further debate is postponed." 'Adjourned. ■ Tho little girl, caught by the glitter of the shining bracelets on the visitor's fair arm, tinder- the usual puffy glove, insisted on borrowing thom. ■ Hor wish was granted; and she ran out of the room to show her new attraction bo her grandma. Presently she came running back. " Well/' said her mother, "did you show the bracelets to your grandma ?" "Yes, ma." "And what did she say ?" " She said they were plated." Tho callousness of Thomson, the author of "Tho Seasons," about was truly wonderful, even for a poet. Ono day, while paying a brewer's bill, he inadvertently handed the man two bank-notes rolled together instead of one. . Tho brewer did not discover the error until next day, .when he honestly returned the second note. As may bo supposed, the worthy tradesman was considerably astonished at seeing Thomson pocket the note with supremo indifference, and with tho cool remark that ho " could have got on without it." ' , ' Teaching her a lesson: Uncle Rastus (who has caused the arrest of his wife for assault): "I want yo' ter gib ib to her, Jedgo ; gib her do limick ob do law. Dis ain't de fust time she 's'aulted me." Judge : I'm afraid, Aunty, I'll have to fine you ten dollars." Auntv : " Well, yo' honahj I 'aint got ton cents.' 1 " Judge (to Uncle Rastus) : "It '11 be ten dollars, Uncle Rastus." Undo •Rastus (handing * over the - money, with a bewildered look, as who should say, This 'may be' right or'this may be wrong) ''"'All • right, Jedge; dero's de money." •To wife (as they leave the court together): '''Daiv'ole iwoman, I trus' dis y-ere 'sperienca '11 l'arn yo' a lesson what yo' won' fergit."