ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVI, Issue 9307, 9 March 1889, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"Did God niako tho baby, pa?" "Yes, Willio." "About what does ho charge for akidlikoJiimny?" An Aecomod&ting Husband, —Jones: Do you toll your wife where you spend your oveninge ?" Smith : " Yes, when I know." Ho : Believe me, dearest, when I say that I shall bo tho happiest of mortals if you will but consent to share my lot and—" Sho : "Jusb a moment, Mr. Breeze." Is it a corner lot?" •'Oh, you arc- mistaken, mo boy. Towker is weally a gentleman." "What makes you think so ?" " Well, I saw a bill from a London tailor in his mail, don't you knowah ?" —New York World. Said Offhand.—"What is that dear, dolightful, old-fashioned chair worth?" sho inquired. "It is worth, madam," said the honoab dealer, " just about 1 dol. 75 cents. The price of it, however, is 9 dols." First Boston Girl (referring to a gayly attired miss who hasgust passed : " Did you ever seo such taste ? She must bo colourblind. Second Boston Girl : Execrable 1 Her dress is as inartistic as a rainbow." Hβ (trying to play a trump card) : "As I passed your house last evening I thought I heard an angel sing." She (stiffly) : "I was at tho theatre last evening. Mrs. Mulhooly and her two twins were at our house visiting the cook." Young Hopeful: " Papa, the prefix • trans' means across, doesu't it ? Old Hopeful: " I'ca, my son ; as in transatlantic, which means across the Atlantic. Young Hopo- ' ful: " Well,then, transparent means a cross prent, doesn't it?" Moral Citizen: "You are dreadfully intoxicated, my good man. Beware, you will eventually lill a drunkard's grave." Intoxicated Man: " Yesh, 'ave filled many a drunkard's grave—hie —'m sexton down at the —hie—shometery." Professor John Stuarb Blackie is a remark ablo instance of octogenarian activity. He "was born in ISO 9, and his energy _ never abates. His brain is as nimble as it was forty year ago, when he was in the thick of his scholastic studies and professional work. Miss Nan Tucket: "\es, John, I think you havo chosen a good time to see old Ocean. Almost every day Igo down to tho beach and see the white caps come rolling in !" Cousin John (from Ohio) : "Oh Lord ! and then he lied, nor paused to look behind. A little boy was asked by his mother the other day: " Rex, what makes you eo naughty ; don't you ask God every night to make you a good boy ?" " Yes," replied the young hopeful, "I ask Him right along, but Ho never seems to pay any attention to me." Danger Signal.—Trackman (to tramp): " Sure, yez had better get oil' the track, tho fasht nmil'sdue." Tramp : " Say, boss, yer don't tink I'd let it run over me, do ye?" " Begorra, it is ! nt that I fear, but the engineer will tek that noso of yez, for a red light, and eh top the train." Wo are informed by a feminine corresjMndent that a woman should be amiable, benevolent, charitable, domestic, economical, forgiving, generous, honest, industrious, judicious, kind, loving, neat, obedient, pleasant, quiet, reflecting, sober, tender, urbane, virtuous, wise, exemplary, and zealous. So should a man. Why not? Editor ; " Have you any letters or other testimonials to show that you are a literary worker by profession?" Applicant: "If you will look at my pants, sir, you will find that they bag badly at the knees ; and, if you will pardon mo for turning round, you will see that they are worn shiny in tho rear. Yes, sir, lam a literary man." Titled Foreigner : "I have called, sir, to obtain your permission to address your daughter." American pa: "Eh! Have you spoken with my daughter on the subject?" "Certainly not." "Nor her mother?" "No, sir." "Well, I •would advice you to see one or both of them first. If I should put in my oar in a caso like that I would'nt have a hair left." O'liooney (ontering hardware store) ; " Tho boss sint mo down afther a pane av' glass, tin be fourteen." Waggish clerk : " Well, Pat, I don't think I can give you a ten by fourteen, but I can let you have a, fourteen by ton, if you think you can make that do." Pat (struck with a bright idea) ; "Be hivens, just gimme wan av chim, and Oi'll just turn th' sideways av it upside down, an' Oi don't bolave the boss himself and ever know the difference."