IS MARRIAGE A FAILURE?

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9184, 13 October 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

IS MARRIAGE A FAILURE?

• THE DOCTRINES OF TRUE LOVE. A lively correspondence is proceeding in JEnglish journals on the subject, " Is Mar- '< fringe a Failure?" We quote some letters from, the Daily TelegTaph :— Sir, —I am a young unmarried woman, twenty-three years of age. Within the last three years two of my most intimate female friends have married, and from each, having pat the question, " Do you advise me to marry?" I have received an emphatic negative as a reply. Both these girls have good husbands, and each is the mother of a healthy boy, so no peculiar hardships have fallen to their lot, and I can only draw the conclusion that there must be trials to bo met with in married life which, if girls were aware of them, would deter them from rushing into matrimony without clue consideration. Much evil results from the idea that marriage is the end and aim of a woman's life. Full of this supposition, and desperately afraid, in this age of female preponderance, of being left, to the scorn of victorious matrons, an "old maid,' a girl will accept a man without the slightest thought as to suitability of temperament; nay, will sometimes accept a man she positively dislikes. There are women whose tastes and temperaments totally untit them for finding pleasure in wifely and maternal duties, and, if urged into matrimony by the force of public opinion decreeing marriagotobethe only happiness for womanhood, they cannot fail to be unhappy.— Yours, A Yorkshire Woman. Sir,-—After careful observation, I have come to the conclusion that marriage is not only a general failure, but often a deliberate ■fraud on the part of the woman, who, in order to gain a home and sustenance, pretends to reciprocate the affection ot her lover. The result is a loveless union, for, however deceived the lover may be, marriage opens his eyes, and the husband finds himself the dupe of an unscrupulous woman. A lady once hit the secret of unhappy marriages* quite inadvertently. She had several girls to bring up, and endeavoured, by a liberal education, to tit them for professions. One of them proved incapable of adapting herself for any vocation, and the lady, in speaking of the matter, despairingly said, " Weshallhavetogethei- married : she'll be lit Tor that, if for not hing else." The remedy is not far to seek. Open all professionsto women, let them have an equal chance with men in all businesses in which they can engage, and then marriage to them will not so often seem a necessity for existence. (.live them a higher moral tone, which will enable them to see that in wedding a man sho does not love a woman wrongs her husband, and degrades herself, and then such marriages as take place will be the outcome of genuine affection, and cannot fail to be happy.— Yours truly, A Cucsty Bachelor. Sir, —I must say I concur in the suggestion that greater facilities should be afforded for divorce, let me cite my own case. My husband is a helpless drunkard. It is true tie earns a good living, and keeps me in comparative luxury ; but is this an adequate consideration for the fact that I have to Jissociate with a drunken, besotted husband live nights out of the seven?— Yours, etc., LrCKETIA. Sir,—Your interesting discussions has not received many contributions from a class greatly interested, the muchabused -i counter - jumpers." Speaking broadly, as a class, we are debarred from marriage. In the first place, it is very difficult to find suitable young ladies willing to share our fortunes. The fact is that in London and other large towns there are a number of girls as much fitted for being wives as they are for flying; and another larce section quite contaminated with novelreading. The former receive no domestic training whatever, but have simply learnt how to dress nicely, and to enjoy themselves at a poor devil's expense, in return for a little flirtation. The latter have imbibed such high and mighty ideas of the proper income necessary for the comfort of a married couple that, instead of seeking a man for his good qualities, they simply angle for the highest bidder. On the other hand, we are fettered with many disadvantages, which prevent thai economy and thrift which are so necessary to a young man contemplating marriage. I think, however, that the experience of tho more fortunate among us who have not married too young is that marriage in the majority of cases, so far from being a failure, i≤ a blessing beyond compare.—Yours, etc., Counter-jumper. Slr, —It is very hard that a woman may not pick, and choose a husband in the same way as a man can select a wife. Every old maid has loved, and, if they had been allowed to tell their beloveds so, there would not be half the number of aged spinsters there are about. As it is, a woman has to wait until somebody asks her to marry, and perhaps waste a whole lifetime in loving a man like " Anti-Humbug," who says he is too poor to marry the girl whom he had half a thought of making his wife. Depend upon it. she knew all about that half-thought. Trust her for that.—l am, jte., O-S'E of TUE Quiet Ones. Sik, —I should indeed be grateful to Mrs. Mona Caird, or anybody else, who would show us unhappily married folk a decent way out of our difficulties. Marriage, in my case, has been a miserable failure, simply because my husband and I do not suit each other. Ours is a clear case of incompatibility, proved beyond all doubt by the almost daily jarrinjr and wrangling of some fourteen years. We are "too dis putatious" for each other's company ; there i 3 not a subject under "this majestical roof," or beyond it, for that matter, on "which we can agree, and surely we've had enough of it. My husband has. a liver, and I've got nerves, both, I firmly believe, the result of this mismating. We have both broken every vow we made to each other on our wedding day, save one, and being highly moral, if nothing else, we must still endure wearing out our days in mutual xnisery, and darkening and embittering our children's lives by a loveless and joyless home. I am sure I began with every intention of rnakiug a model wife. I had high notions of devotion and self-sacrifice, which the circumstances of our lives gave me ample opportunity of acting upon, but I soon discovered that the reciprocity, like the Irishman's, was all on one side. I believe that hundreds of young wives systematically hali-starve themselves that the husband may have all the little indulgences he has been accustomed to in his bachelor ttays. I know several who heroically struggle on with an allowance —and that intermittent—which, after providing for tho 'way to the man's heart, would nob leave enough to nourish a decently hungry fly. Small wonder the wives get pale, pinched, :ind irritable, and take to stimulants. — Yours, etc., A Tired Wife. Sir, —In my humble opinion, the gravest ■error arise.-; not from wedlock itself, but xrom the fact that before the final knot is tied it is generally considered too late to revoke the often-regretted words which formed the first bond. Women are almost always to blame for this. I do not say so without due consideration. With very few exceptions they are so determined to be married that they keep an evidently unwilling "lover" to his former word, evenwhen the most obtuse can see he that he is anxious to be free. I fancy that engagement was originally instituted as a pi elude to matrimony, in order that people might obtain an intimate knowledge of each other's dispositions before they were irrevocably bound. Nowadays this is impossible, for an engaged man Is considered by his fiancee and her friends to belong to her as much as if he were already married.—Yours, etc., . A Maid of Eighteen. Sir,—The question may also be asked, "Is celibacy a success?" If anyone wishes to know, he should visit the out-patient department of one of the London hospitals. There he will see young men and women of twenty to twenty-five years of age, haggard and pale, prematurely old and weak, and with disea.se grimed into their blood and bones. If anyone doubts, let him go and see for himself.—Yours, etc., A London Physician'. Sir,—Ten years ago I was an orphan with Ji 6inall income—that is to say, enough to 'Maintain me—and was engaged to a doctor much older than myself. He Hvas a man of high intellect, but held peculiar views on EOtne subjects, and among others matri'tnony. He thought it a monstrous thing that a man and woman should be joined together for life in a practically indissoluble union, no matter how unsuitable their temperaments should prove to each other. He tried to show mo that we should be quite as faithful and quite as happy in a union not legalised by jSnarriage. He proposed that the nature of jjur tie should a secret between our-

selves, but that I should bo known as his •wife, and should have the same honour and i respect shown me as If we were really married I was only twenty, and had no real friends to isult, and although I resisted strongly at urst, eventually he convinced me that it would prove for our ultimate happiness. So I consented, and we commenced life together. All went smoothly. He had managed so well that no one ever suspected that our union was different from what it seemed ; and, in fact, the secret has never come out to this day. Now for the failure. I was an attractive woman, and we went into society a good deal. But we were neither of us happy, and this was the reason ; he could not bear another man to look at me, and I grudged every hour he spent in the society of other women. You see we were neither sure of the other, and life became a misery, because we loved each other so much, and feared to bo separated, as there was no binding tie. Fortunately we had no children ; but when we had lived together for five years he proposed that we should be married, to which, you may be sure, I was only too glad to assent. We have both been happier since, and, in our case at least, marriaco has not been u failure. But let mo warn "Love" and other girls that my case is one in a thousand, for very few men would propose to marry a woman after living with her for five years. If he had tired of me. as so many men do of women, how utterly forlorn would now bo my condition ?—I am, sir, yours faithfully, One Who Has Tried Both. Sir, —I am afraid marriage is a failure in my particular case. Throuch my nun her and grandmother's will, I married a wealthy cousin of mine, though I repeatedly told them I did not care for him. However, this was never taken into consideration. 1 was told that girls did not know their own minds, that love would eome afterwards, and that I ought to consider myself only too happy to have such a chance. The consequence is that I have great respect for the cousin, but cannot love the husband, my heart being elsewhere. May this be a lesson to parents. —Yours, etc., Baby.