ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9178, 6 October 1888, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Pay as you go, and don't go till you pay. If writing is indicative of character, some people's character must be mighty hard to make out.

Kathleen Mavourneen loans" are those of an uncertain kind, that "may be for years and may be for ever." Teacher: " Why was Adam expelled from the Garden of Eden ?" Small Boy (Irish) : " He couldn't pay the rent." The Czar of all the Russias has at least one consolation in the midst of all his troubles—lie is not bothered by life-insur-ance agents. When a young man sits in the parlour talking nonsense to his best girl—that's capital. But when he has to stay in of evenings after they're married — that's labour.

The Sunday-school class was singing " I Want to Be an Angel." " Why don't you sing louder, Bobby ?" asked the teacher. "I'm singing as loud as I want to be an angel," explained. Bobby. A female lecturer said: "Get married, young men, and be quick about it. Don't wait for the millenium for the girls to become angels. . You'd look well beside an angel, wouldn't you, you brutes?" A young man, trying to pub down a young lady, said : " This is St. Patrick's Day. Where is your green bow?" As quick as a flash came the response : "You are green enough for me ; come along." The trouble with the young woman in love is that she doesn't know whether she really loves the young man for himself alone or for the presents he brings and the prospects of a solitaire diamond .to dazzle the other girls. Customer : " Some children's shoes, please." Dealer : " Yes, sir. Now, there is an excellent make of shoe. How old is the child." Customer (with a sigh) : "Child ! I have nine of 'em. Show me to the wholesale department." The Duke of Wellington, in a certain debate in the House of Lords, stated that two Irish clergymen had been murdered. A noble lord exclaimed, "No, no; only one." Whereupon the Duke rejoined, "If I am mistaken, I am sorry for it." "Are you having a pleasant time?" asked a lady of a little miss at a fashion able children's party. " Delightful, thanks." " And will your papa and mamma come later?" "Oh, dear no; papa and mamma and I don't belong to the same set." Dying man (faintly): "Darling!" Sorrowing wife (between sobs) : "Yes, dear." Dying man : " When I am gone, love, I desire that you shall marry again as soon as you can." Sorrowing wife : "Oh ;< why do you talk like that?" Dying man : " Because I know you will anyway, and I want people to understand that it was my request." " We won't go home till morning Till daylight doth appoar," He sang ; alas ! he knew not His wife was drawing near. She entered was silent, His friends began to laugh. For he went home in less than Two minutes and a half.

Little Nell: " Mamma, I wish you'd let me read a novel." Mamma : " Don't mention such a thing." " But novels tell things just as they are in life, don't they ?" " Yes. Now ask no more questions, child." " Susie Minks has got such a lovely novel, and—" "What! Did you read any of it ?" " Only the last line. It said, ' And so they got married and were happy ever after!'" "Oh, that isn't a novel, dear— that's a fairy story !" On one occasion when Rowland Hill was preaching for a public charity, a note was handed him inquiring if it would bo right for a bankrupt to contribute. He noticed the matter in the course of his sermon, and pronounced decidedly that such a person could not do so in Christian honesty. "But, my friends,".'he said, "I would advise you who are not insolvent not to pass the plate this evening, or the people will be sure to say, ' There goes the bankrupt.'" One of the head salesmen in a Statestreet dry-good house vouches for the following :—A lady in one of the outlying towns wrote to the house that her husband had just died. She had been in the city a few days before and selected a carpet. The letter containing the announcement of the death of her husband had the following postcript, every word of which was underlined : " Please hurry up the carpet, as I want it in time for the funeral. Also send me some samples of nun's veiling. I want this in. time for the funeral, also."