ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9172, 29 September 1888, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Any fool can ask conundrums, but it takes a wise man not to try to answer them. If most people only knew as much as they think they know, they wouldn't talk so much about it.

" Look 'ere Sal#' yelled a country woman to her eldest girl, "don't bend over that well so fur. You'll fall in some day, and then we'll have to drink from the river."

A lady who advertised for a girl "to do light housework" received a letter from an applicant who said her health demanded sea air, and asked where the lighthouse was situated.

It is said that a St. Louis man who saw a picture of the stoning of St. Stephen bought it under the impression that it represented a base-ball umpire being mobbed by giving art-unpopular decision. " Get yourself full - of your subject," said the Professor. Saturate yourself with it, and then your essay will write itself." " Yes. I know, Professor," said Miss Cole,spring ; "but my essay is on ' Rum the Cause of it.' "

A Sunday-school lesson was on the "Ten Virgins," and the next Sunday the review question was asked, " What was the lesson about last Sunday ?" A bright boy gave the prompt answer : " About ten gals that went to a weddin'."

Master Bobby's papa is the happy owner of a hatching machine. The other day, as the former was watching a chick energetically breaking its way through its shell, he inquired : " I see how it gets out, but how ever did he go to work to get in ?" Following the fashion Old Mr. Soapfat (to daughter) : " Do you realise, my dear, that if you marry this young Mr. TuttiFrutti Van Dyke your money will have to support him?" Miss Soapfat: " Oh, yes, papa ; but that sort of thing is all the style just now, you know." Must be rescued grammatically —He was rescuing her from the billowy waves, but it looked as if they might never see Boston again. "Hold on tight, Penelope," he gasped, " hold on tight." " Don't say hold on tight," gurgled the girl, with her mouth full of Atlantic Ocean ; "say hold on tightly." .Miss Clara (blushing): "Do you know, Ethel, that young Mr. Sampson proposed to me last night, and I accepted him?" Miss Ethel (heartily): " I congratulate you sincerely, Clara. Mr. Sampson is a noble vounjr man." Miss Clara : "Do you know him very well?" Miss Ethel: "Oh, yes. It was only a few months ago that I promised to be a sister to him."

Two Chapters.—Last year :—Young man (over the counter) : " If I should want to exchange this engagement ring for something else, it will be all right, won't it?" Jeweller: " Oh, certainly, with pleasure. We are always glad to accommodate our patrons." This year : —Same young man (over the counter): "I believe you told me when I bought this ring I could exchange it for something else?" Jeweller: "Yes, sir. What, will you have?" Young man : " Well I'd like to exchange it for a barrel of flour, a bushel of potatoes, a ham of meat, and a load of coal.

(Scene, hospital ; dramatis persona?, doctor; Joe, a drunken old ne'er-do-weel, who is dying of a complication of diseases.) Doctor : " Now, is there anything more you would like?" .Joe : "If a micht, jist hae ae glass o' wusky." Doctor : " You know, Joe, that that's exactly what has brought you to this." Joe: "Ye micht gie me yin. 'Am aw fa' wake." Doctor (relenting and filling out a glass from a bottle) : " Well, it's just another nail in your coffin." Joe (drinking and holding out, the empty glass): " Man, doctor, ye inicht ca'anither yin as lang's ye hae the hammer in yer haun.'" A SERENADE. Come out 'heath the stars, love, where nature is sleeping ; Where the leaves and the blossoms ate drinking the dew. Come out where Diana her vigil is keeping, Where night, birds their sweet plaintive love songs renew. Together we'll wander, No care will we keep ; From the past we will sunder While nature's sleep. [The soft-toned guitar, with its music of love, soon moves her to open the lattice above.] Fain, fain would I wander with thee in the meadow. Rut fate ami my father prevent me ; alas. lie's out with his lantern-—already his shadow I see round the woodshed suspiciously pas." The shot-£iin is loaded With lead super Hue, And Towser in hungry For trousers like thine.