ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9154, 8 September 1888, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

" Young gentlemen," said an old doctor to a graduating class of medical students, —" 'i oung gentlemen, keep your patients alive —if you can: dead men run up no bills."

If Nola Twigg, the servant girl in Portland, Ore., who recently fell heir to "200, dollars, will call at this office, she will hear (says the Tombstone Warbler) of something greatly to her advantage. We are a bachelor.

" Did you ever," said one preacher to another, " stand at the door after your sermon and listen to what people said about it as they passed out?" The other replied : " I did once" —a pause and a sigh—" but I'll never do so again." When a young man asks a young woman what piece of music she likes best, and she confesses with a sly blush that she has a fond preference for Mendelsshon's " Wedding March," it is time for the young man to do something that will make him sorry that he had not done it before.

Mr. Mould (the undertaker): "I heard some bad news to-day. A man whom I've known for years has just died." Mrs. Mould (inclined to be playful): " That ought not to be very bad news for us, Uriah." Mr. Mould : "He was blown up by dynamite, my dear." Mrs. Mould : "Ah ! that is sad."

A priest once called to pray over the barren fields of his parishioners. He passed from one enclosure to another, and pronounced his benediction, until he came to a most unpromising ca.se. He surveyed the sterile acres in despair. "Ah 1" said he, " brethren—no use to pray here—this needs manure."

"Who was that young lady in black?" " A friend of mine. Poor thing ! She buried her third husband last week, and her nerves are quite shattered. I fear she will not live to part with a fourth." " She looks young to have outlived three husbands." "Oh, they're not dead. She's from Chicago." " Say," said Alpha, " my son is learning to play the violin. Come around this evening and hear him practice." " What is he employed at during the day?" asked Omega. "He works in a saw-filing factory." " Well, I have another engagement for this evening, but I will call around at the factory to morrow and remain a few minutes."

Mrs. Winks (8 p.m) : "Mr. Winks, what are you putting on your hat for. Going down to your office to post your books and attend to business correspondence, are you, you brute?" Mr. Winks: " No, I'm not." "Oh, you're not? I don't believe one word you say, Mr. Winks. You can't fool me. You are going to your office to dictate letters to that pretty type-writer girl, and I know it." " Mrs Winks, you do me great injustice. I have no book to post, and no letters to write ; I am merely going to the club to get drunk." "Oh ! Here's the night key, my dear." " Does your cow cringe and curl," asks the New England Farmer, "and appear nervous and fidgety when you sit down to milk her Well, not much, she doesn't. She isn't one of your shy, timid, bashful cows. She just fixes her eyes on vacancy with a glare that will raise a blister on an oak knot, sticks her tail straight up in the air, stiff as a poker, plants three feet firmly on the ground, and then feels round with the other for the milk-pail, milk-stool, milkmaid ; finds them ; fires them up somewhere in the blue empyrean, and remarking, " Ha, ha !" amid the shouting, jumps over a six rail-fence, and tramples down an acre of young garden. Don t talk about cringing and curling to a cow that has to be milked with a pipe line and a pumping station. Scene—Scotch railway station. Ticket collector, in making his collection, finds an old gentleman fumbling in his pockets for his ticket. Ticket collector: "Tickets, please!" gentleman: "I'm just lookin'for it." Ticket collector : " Well, I'll look in again in a few minutes. See and have it ready then." Ticket collector returns shortly, but the old gentleman is still hunting for it. Ticket collector (suddenly) : " Why, you have it in your mouth, man !" Old gentleman (giving him the ticket): "Oh, so I have ! Here you are." Another gentleman in the carriage, as the train moves on, to first gentleman : " I'm afraid you're losing your memory, sir." Old gentleman: "Naefearo' that—nae fear o' that! The ticket was a fortnichtauld, and I wis jist sookin' the date alft I"