CALAMO CURRENTE.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9142, 25 August 1888, Page 1 (Supplement)

CALAMO CURRENTE.

The retort courteous from a Judge of the Supreme Court is something of a knockicrtvn blow; and if " Pollex " reels under • t who can wonder ? In Friday's Herald, ' referring to my statement that full treaty years ago, he (Dr. Hector) declared that there was no gold in the Thames dis(rjct, and by incontrovertible scientific deduet he there and then proved that by no .inability could gold ever be found 110 I' ] ierri " His Honor says succinctly "that \ fa, and he proceeds to challenge me t 0 the proof. My personal knowledge of \ e w Zealand only extends to within a ~0 '>le of years of the date of the alleged ..•ifutific deliverance, so that I am not enabled to pit my personal recollection ~,'niast that of Mr. Justice Gillies, but in .mother column appears the unsolicited testimony of a gentleman who occupies the ve rv front rank in Auckland in social sanding, and in character for honour and veracity, and he says, " I am surprised at }];. iiillies characterising 'Pol lex's' statement as to Dr. Hector's conclusion respecting cold at the Thames. I recollect it well. A: the time I was thinking of investing money there, but was deterred by Dr. Hooter's announcement." The assertion of "Truth" is not so concentrated as the monosyllable selected by His Honor, but though, in more courtly garb, it is quite as strong, and, as the asseveration of the irentleman in question would carry equal eight in Auckland with that of Mr. billies. I am all the more bewildered.

Leaving these two testimonies to confront one another, we have still the singular phenomenon of tiie tradition on the subject ; the universal belief in it among miners on the Thames, anil old residents generally in the provincial district; the chuckling over it which took place when Hunt's Claim startled the world, and the constant reference, to it in the Thames Pipers for many years, whenever any now discovery was made in the Coiomandel Peninsula. This may not be strictly evidence to the satisfaction of the trained legal ,e;;u;en of Mr. Justice Gillies, but the universality of the belief certainly seems to corroborate, to the ordinary intelligence, the correctness of " Truth's" allegation when he -~\s, " I recollect it well: at the time I Mas thinking of investing money there, but *.0 deterred by Dr. Hector's announcement." And, instead of mv being called on to adduce proof from twenty years ago a-to the original foundation of a general belief. 1 venture to think that Mr. justice lihies would best serve his absent friend by narrating what was the actual statement made by Dr. Hector, which may, in his opinion, have been wrested from its ?i!>er meaning, so as to furnish the origin jl -in- ?o common belief. It would be the very last thing in my wishes that this column should be the vehicle for perpetuating an unfounded charge, although, at die worst, only food for humour, and not ~'.'.y reflecting on Dr. Hector's knowledge of the then recognised laws of science. And though Mr. Justice Gillies does depart somewhat from the usualand courteous usage when calling in question a statement in the press— hurling an epithet that is more usually heard in a street embroglio than in the serene and undisturbed atmosphere of the temples of Themis. I shall be very happy to make the oni'ii'lz. honorable if I am shown that the general traditional belief is not based on fact. But Mr. Gillies knows that assertion i- not testimony, however forcibly put in the vernacular ; and that his monosyllabic assertion respecting a current belief, requires something more to sustain it than the mere statement that he has "been "an intimate friend of Dr. Hector since his arrival in the colony." That the force of his testimony is not strengthened by this admission of personal feeling in his evidence, Mr. Gillies does not require to be told ; and all the more reason is there that he should give the grounds of his belief that i »:■. Hector never did make such a statement. By his doing so he may serve the .nierests of an absent friend ; and certainly •rtter at least than by the mere use of Sultry monosyllables.

If there is one moral quality for which the noble citizen of the United States is pre-eminently distinguished above ail other people that dwell on the face of the whole r.nh it is the simple quality of cheek ; but among all the developments of Yankee thick 1 think the palm is to be awarded to the Bradstreet Mercantile Agency of New York. I have become possessed of a circular from that institution, addressed through its Melbourne branch to business people of all kinds, soliciting information of their affairs; a:i'l when the Yankee author of it has the grace and delicacy to introduce it thusly, "We assure you that the request arises from no unworthy or impertinent motive, l a: is intended simply as an act of courtesy i.'id justice to yourself," it may be assumed modesty is not its most salient characteristic. After a number of queries about one's previous life, it comes to business thus : —" What capital did you start with, and how and by whom contributed ?" Then in a general way it asks, " Has business been successful? have you any branches? it so where, and under what style?" Then becoming sympathetically confidential it whispers "Have you ever failed? If so, when and where ? What was amount of liabilities, £— ; how settled ? :! and so on. Then you are to "please answer as near as possible the following," which embraces a disclosure of the value of your stuck. your cash on hand, accounts and bill- receivable, with the value of your persona] property and of what it is composed, and of your real estate and in whose name you have fixed it up, and then you are kindly invited to ted of your bills and »ccounts payable, what mortgages and bills « sale you have over your belongings, how touch cash you have borrowed, and when WI H you have to pay it ; what are your total liabilities, and what are your " total ■'•"sources or nttt worth as basis for credit." feut this is not all, for you are asked, sotto 'y:~. as it were, "Do you endorse?" and then in the most insinuating way, "Please '* IV K NAMES OK PRINCIPAL CKEOITGILS." How is that for cool ? It does not a-k about your wife's grandmother, nor how many children you have, and whether you are expecting more, or do you use paper collars, or whether you wear Willow.-, or do you suffer from gravel; but so far as your business concerns go, there is an amount of solicitude experienced that could not be surpassed by your best friend. And it is to be observed that "we no not publish the details herein desired"— 'a fact, it is only for our own information and to use them as the " basis of our re["Jit.'' But you will recollect that your '•ord is not to be taken implicitly for what you say. Yon must " give such references "*■ have knowledge of your pecuniary responsibility," and thus we shall be able to "correct- any errors which prejudice or 'ant of knowledge" on your part in relation to the state of your business might prompt you to commit. A more delicate way of putting it could hardly be devised, a, "l the rush of people to convey this information to a company that nobody ever heard fj before will be such as must put a severe "train on the resources of the post office, •surely a company like that must know a und would it oblige by telling us : If a ''fen and a half lay an egg and a half in a j*' i y and a half, how many eggs will six '■ens lay in seven days ?

t-'an anybody describe the peculiar Psychological conditions incident to the giving or receiving of a "holy kiss?" I ' iav - been impelled to a consideration ot ift subject by seeing that at the departure 01 a missionary from the scene of his ft'igious labours in the South Sea Islands, was accompanied to the ship's side by women, every blessed mother's daughter J'' whom he then and there saluted with "a 'p kiss." I am nob so disingenuous as to plead wholly innocent to the knowledge of "at delicious delirious thrill that persates tat- veins when partaking of what is , ,"°' A as the kiss in ordinary. But I'm ■est if I can comprehend that blend of a fc -'gious fervour conjoined with mundane which must constitute the " holy ; while it surpasses any possible flight ' my imagination to conceive how a an must feel in the performance of le , duty of holily kissing 132 women on • oil . ' ie reel. With the pretty es it might be right enough, for they

say that some of the Tongese are very pretty girls. But I should think that after the first dozen or two, with the emotions appropriate to the occasion, even pretty lips would cease to win, while the physical effort of placing a man's lips in the proper pouting form for suitably imprinting 132 pairs of upturned pretty lips would have a tendency to produce paralysis of the labial muscles, and give a permanent pucker to the mouth.

But what of the old and ugly ones; for no doubt there was an admixture of classes, and the reverend gentleman in the performance of duty was obliged to take them as they came. That surely must have been tne heaviest part of the ordeal, for I should think that an aged Tongese lonian— withered, bleared, and wrinkled as aboriginals usually become in the maturity of their years,—would prove rather an uninviting object for the performance of such an act of endearment. It may be indeed that, a judicious alternation of the young and old, the pretty and the ugly, might afford that relief to the tension of the lips which would prevent the labial paralysis of which I have spoken ; for while the reverend gentleman would naturally throw his lips into that soft and pouting form appropriate for softly imprinting the token of affection on the tender, sensitive lips of the pretty ones, ho would rigidly compress his lips and present only that portion of them on which the moustache and beard are wont to grow, when heroically bracing himself for the stern duty of kissing the toothless ugly ones. Variety in this way would be a relief, if not charming, and just as the tea tasters chew a piece of cheese or other pungent substance to restore the ability of the palate to appreciate the delicious aroma of fresh sips of tea, so the lifeless, tasteless lips of the ugly old women might serve as a foil, and make all the more delightful the gentle pressure of the soft, sweet, melting lips of the pouting darlings.

j In this way the physical difficulty might J be rendered endurable, if not even pleasant; but the difficulty to my mind still appears to be the psychological conditions of the "holy kiss:" and what the nature of that combination of devotional feeling and mundane sweetness that throbbed in the bosom of the reverend gentleman during the operation of kissing 13'2 mixed women slick off. One can understand how the devotional feeling might be experienced, and also the mundane bliss ; but in combination they are hard to be understood, and one inclines to think that the devotion was felt when kissing the old ones, and the mundane sweetness when he saluted the pretty girls ; and so the combination of the whole constituted one great holy kiss. No doubt he felt nice and good, and comforted in spirit when he was kissing the pretty girls, for that is how most people feel; and when he was kissing the old ones, he may may have felt good, but I'm hanged if I think he could have felt either nice or comfortable. But the whole thing is a paradox, and hard to be understood, and I think it would be a duty if ever he came to Auckland that he should deliver a lecture on the subject. We have ministers delivering lectures constantly on " Love, Courtship, and Marriage ;" but this is an experience that rarely has fallen to a man in this sublunary vale of tears, and I would plead in the cause of science that he should lecture on the subject, and tell us how a man feels when he is kissing 132 women with a "holy kiss." Pollex.