LOCAL GOSSIP.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9130, 11 August 1888, Page 1 (Supplement)

LOCAL GOSSIP.

" Lot me have audience for a word r two." —Shafctpere. The judgment of Mr. Justice Gillies in the painful divorce case of Humphreys v. Humphreys is an example of how cases o! this nature are treated with the utmost delicacy when they come into the serene region of the Supreme Court. There it is shown how a mind far removed above the passion that dwells in all other human breasts treats the aberrations of us grosser mortals; how it calmly employs logical and legal maxims alone in the discrimination of facts, not allowing itself even to be biassed by such knowledge of human nature as it may have acquired before (or after) it ascended to the Bench. And yet how exact are the conclusions, and with what extreme nicety the judicial mind, dwelling in "sacred calm," distinguishes between different species of fits !

That awful puzzle known as "Chicago's teaser" has now obtained a firm foothold on Xew Zealand, thanks to the spiteful and malicious, although lavish, action of the Wellington Press in offering a os prize for its solution. It is hardly necessary to remind readers that this aggravating riddle runs tis follows :— If a hen and a-half lay an egg and a-half in a day and a-half, how many eggs will six hens lay in seven days ? It is a simple little matter, but the Press has not yet received a correct answer, although it has published columns of wrong ones, which have been forwarded by competitors for the prize. A correspondent, •• H.R.P.," of Mount Eden, sends me 42 as the correct answer ; but tins, as well as 24, which was given a few days ago, is incorrect according to the Press. The puzzle editor of the Press, however, is not the only individual who is anxious to fill the Lunatic Asylum, for a fiend, who signs himself Snooks," writes to " Mercutio " asking for a solution of the following : — "If a fish's head be five feet long, his tail the length of his head and half his body, and ins body the length of his head and tail together, what would be the length of the fish?" Luckily for the sanity of readers, this problem admits of simple solution by the most elementary algebra. " Mercutio" worked it out in a few minutes, and he leaves his readers to do the same.

I heard the other day a story illustrative of how the present system of education worked. A labouring man had been employed for many years by an old Auckland citizen on his place near town, and being an industrious man, he had accumulated some money. By the aid of his employer, he established himself comfortably on a small farm. He had a boy who did well at one of our public schools, so well, indeed, that he nearly gained a scholarship entitling him to free tuition at the expense of the country, and a substantial salary besides. Failing in this, however, his father asked his former employer if he knew anything which he could get for Charles to do. He looked about, and heard of a butcher who wanted a boy to learn the business, and who would aid him generally in the business by keeping the books. When the proposal was made to the father, however, he seemed as if he could hardly believe his ears. "Do you mean to say that you propose that my boy should degrade himself so far as to become a butcher '!" The objection was not to the particular occupation, but to any trade at all. My boy," said the proud but mistaken father, " has a lot of learning, and must go into a bank or a merchant's office."

Nothing could be more humiliating than the position which our Auckland members hold at the present time in Parliament. Through no apparent fault of their own, they pose as mere nullities—are simply ignored—brushed aside, and metaphorically kicked downstairs. Even the member for Newton, with all his ability and prestige, has proved disappointing so far as practical results are concerned. Mr. Goldie, full of new-born zeal, and bursting with an ardent longing to save his bleeding country from swift financial ruin, finds himself simply wiped out. Mr. Monk, despite his tendency to take the rob', of a modern Sir Boyle Roach, has striven to do good work, and has made his mark in the House a3 an earnest and conscientious representative. Other Northern members have flapped their wings and crowed in a jerky spasmodic way, and tried to do their duty to their constituents by filling a page of Hansard. But cui bono? Ueiana te pai ?

A new departure is announced in connection with the Baptist Tabernacle " evenings." Instead of grumpy masculine " pillars " taking the lead in all entertainments, the experiment is being tried of pressing into the service the fascinating female element now and then. Well, the plan may work well enough for a night or so, but anyone who has read Walter Besant's "Revolt of Man," will probably conclude that the experiment will prove a failure. Women must, from their very nature, be recriminative and personal; and, to expect the third meeting to pass over without the interchange of pleasant remarks, would be expecting too much altogether, even in a Tabernacle.

The moaning of the reference, in " Mercutio's " last week's column, to the Frozen Meat Company and a European war is open to misconstruction. I do not mean to say that the directors and . shareholders of the company are, of necessity, bloodthirsty, or even callous, people, Not at all. But what I do say is that it is in human nature, and especially commercial human nature, to believe implicitly in the proverb, "It's

an ill wind that blows nobody good and to let sentiment take a back seat in favour of what is practical and utilitarian. The doctor cannot help feeling his heart lifted up within him when his door bell is rung more frequently. The druggist must, in the nature of things, be glad and rejoice when prescriptions (low in apace': while the undertaker must be less than human if his bosom does not. swell with joyous anticipation when there is a "boom" on in epidemics.

In this connection, the following might be apropos. Doubtless many Auckland residents will remember the late sexton of the Roman Catholic Cemetery in Symondsstreet. Ono morning I ;-aid, " Well, how are you getting oil?*' "Ah, thin, sir, it's awful quiet—there's notliin' doin' at all, at all." " How is that?" said 1. " Well, sir, you see the business is all goin' across the road beyant. Sorra a corpse I've had for a wake or more. I don't blame Walker. Share, he's a dacent fellow, and, by the same token, often a friend to me. But, faith, it's hard lines, so it is, to see all the business goin' away from me like that." I sympathised with him, and said, " Cheer up! things may improve by-and-by." "Oh, yes," said he; "shure, times will mend yet, and all the corpses won't be goin' the other side of tiio road."

The question of dc lunalico inquirendo, as illustrated in the case of Fenwick, recently confined in Avondale Lunatic Asylum, is a very important one, and highly suggestive. His Honor Mr. Justice Gillies deserves the thanks of the community for the firm stand he took in declining to consider a man a dangerous lunatic, and a tit subject for confinement, possibly with a lot of brutalised, ruffianly maniacs, simply because he will not, or cannot, recognise the woman alleged to be his wife. Those who have read the late Charles Reade's " Hard Cash " will understand what is meant. Cases have occurred over and over again—not. only in older countries, but in newer ones nearer homewhere unfortunate wretches have been consigned to a living tomb for no adequate cause or reason.

" When is a man intoxicated ?" has often been asked, and has been answered in a variety of ways. As. for example, a man is said to be "a little on," when, at a public dinner, he suddenly, and uncalled for, starts "For He's a Jolly Good Fe-e-a-llow," immediately the toast of "The Queen" is proposed: or he is " half-seas over " when developing premonitory symptoms of going on his beam ends at the termination of the banquet; or "screwy," when he challenges the bobby to play "Yankee grab " with him on the kerbstone for drinks ; or "tight," when he, on reaching home, washes his face in the scullery sink, and dries it on a woolmat, and finally essays to wind up his watch with the front-door key. But the conundrum, When is a man mad. or sutlioiently 'oil' his chump' to require forcible detention in Cremonini Hall?" is still more diiiicult of solution. I think Judge Gillies' view is the correct one. If a person has a fad, or phantasy, or delusion, which may, or may not, become chronic, and, at the same time, is not dangerous to the peace, life, or limb of his fellows, why should he be placed in surroundings which would, probably, render recovery hopeless? Sometimes cases occur where wifely affection is not a factor in obtaining a husband's release, but where selfish family interests operate in quite the opposite direction.

We do not care to be hard on the Harbour Board, which is the recognised butt of all knowing anything about management of leading ports of the world, but the acme of Muddleuoni presented by the Coptic export arrangements is too glaring- a case of

either incompetency to grasp tho eces- ! si ties of the time to permit of our being ! swayed by any tenderness to officials. Why j shippers should have to ask the gracious i permission of Mr. A, B, or (' to use the sheds as export- sheds in case of these big | steamers is just, one of tho*} things that ! outsiders cannot comprehend. Punch has [ a late cartoon of the British Lion, securely ' tied by rod tape. This is emblematical 1 of the port of Auckland being tied by , the officialism of the Auckland Harbour Board. Everybody grumbles, but it is of no use; the crass inertness of he commercial public put up with it from the broad fact that year after year goes on and the | utter uselessness to drive conception of our I very priinit ive shipping arrangements into the heads of the Board has been exemplified over and over again There seems to be no escape from misgovernment of all public bodies, and yet we have democratic insti tutions. Perhaps this is the true reason why. Chess circles were enlivened last week by the charming novelty of having games played bet ween ladies, at the Auckland v. Ponsonby tournament. Not having been present myself, I cannot say how the feminine encounters proceeded. When combatants of the softer sex (?) indulge in chess amongst themselves, it is just possible that they may make a fair honest fight of i it; yes, it is just possible. Of course, that there should be comment, recriminations, and caustic remarks, goes without saying. " You need not show your teeth because I ! took your queen." " Well, if I did show them, they are real ones, which is more than some people can say"—and so forth. In a game between a lady and a gentleman antagonist, of course theso delicate verbal amenities don't come in. The contest, however, is one-sided—very—as a general rule. Take the experience of a friend of mine who essays, now and then, to I cross pawns with a feminine chessist. Lady, ! loquitur, " Now, Mr. Brown, let it be clearly understood, before we begin, that we play j the strict game." " Certainly, Mrs. Jones." i " Let there be 110 misunderstanding ; touch | and move, and be careful to castle accord- j ing to Staunton." The game opens and dc- 1 velopes. Presently the lady leaves some j important piece en prize, which her oppo- : nent carefully annexes. "01)! I did'nt intend to leave that knight there to be taken . by your pawn ; that would be absurd, Mr. Brown, would'nt it?" Or, she makes some move involving swift and sudden ruin. Mr. Brown sees checkmate to his fair (or unfair) opponent looming in the immediate future, and chuckles inwardly. 'Does she fold her arms and stoically yield to her fate? Not at all. She casually observes, "Oh ! of course that was quite an oversight, Mr. Brown ; you can see that yourself. 1 think I will move bishop to queen's 4th. Yes, I recollect now that's the move I intended to make." The miserable and demoralised Brown, thus coolly defrauded of his victory, does not like to remind his fair, and yet unfair, antagonist of the compact mutually agreed upon when the game was started, and so subsides and collapses with a deepdrawn sigh into a mental condition decidedly limp and unstrung. Yes, indeed, it requires a lot of philosophical calmness and self-restraint to play the noble game with these fair and unfair opponents. Merc crao.