ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIV, Issue 8082, 24 September 1887, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"The people like tyrants," says a magazine writer. Maybe that's why the people get married. Eve never bothered Adam about the spring fashions, but she was the first woman to adopt the fall style. A wife's explanation. Violet: " Ma, how do people know that it's a man in the moon ?" Mother (sadly): " Because it's always out nights." A man may not increase his own value by insuring his life for a handsome sum, but he is certain to make his widow more popular. A Boston paper is telling its readers what books they should take to the country. They won't have much fun unless they take the pocket-book along. A news item says that " the body of a Chicago socialist was recently washed ashore." It was necessary. A bath tub does not hold enough water to wash the body of a Chicago Socialist. " That is the last novel I shall ever read," said a gentleman, throwing the book down in disgust. "What's the matter, dear?" inquired his wife, " doesn't it end happily ?" j " No, they were married." A popular writer, who sometimes had a bad "spell," wrote the name of the illustrious author of " Pilgrim's Progress" as " John Bunion." His publishers suggested that it be put in a footnote. A married man, who was out at a party, when he proposed returning home was urged to stay a little longer. "Well," he replied, "perhaps I may as well; my wife's temper probably is already as bad as it can be." When Brown was informed that " idiot" was derived from word meaning a private citizen, he was ungracious enough to say that the Greeks couldu't have known much about Congress and State Legislatures. "To be quite accurate." Counsel: " Married?" Witness: "No." Counsel: "Single?" Witness: "No!" Counsel: "Ah—widow?" Witness: "No!" " Bat, my dear madam, surely you must be one or " \\ itnesa (simpering): " No—engaged fiascomb (just returned from Australia): " Well, sir, what would you say if 1 told you 1 had seen a snake out there that measures forty feet hi circumference and ninety-three feet in length?" Darnely ; " I should say—er —that Australia does not produce good whisky. " You went out too soon," said a wife to her husband at a recent concert. " Patti responded to a third encore and sang * Coming Thro' the Rye.' It was simply divine ; I fairly drank it in." "So did I," he answered, softly, with a slight suspicion of a hiccough, " and I can taste it yet." South Sea Islander: "So you came out here tosaveme?" Missionary: "Yes." South Sea Islander: " And if you had not come I could not have been saved ?" Missionary : " No." South Sea Islander: " What a lucky thing it was for me that the Paoifio Mail Steamship Company was organised." ""He was a colonial, and, like all colonials, was naturally bashful, and in her company was as dumb as an oyster. She understood : him, and one evening asked plainly what made him so silent whenever he called on her. " I ——I don't know," he stammered. "I alwaysah—have something to say before you come in, but I can't get it out." " Indeed," she said, enoouragiogly. " Yea, I am like a bottle that is corked up tight." "Very tight, Mr. Smith?" "Yes, indeed, very." Well, that ia'nt so bad as you tbink. There in one good thing about it." " What is it, pray ?" " Whv, you know, the tighter a bottle is corked, the more foroibly it pops." He grasped the situation at onoe, and now ahe doesn't oare whether he talks or not. She is content to do it all herself.

The Yankee origin of the following anec« dote is evident:—An editor, who lay dying, as was supposed, was ministered unto by a zealous clergyman, who consoled him with tho assurance that in the next world there would be no more worry and trouble. '• Are printers allowed in heaven?" feebly asked the dying man. Being assured that thar. I was a possible oontingency, he responded, ! " Then I have no hope. My foreman dis.i ■ last year, and I suppose he is now in Heaw . I know I won't be there five minutes be forI will hear him say, 4 More copy,' I don', see how I can make anything by dying. Accordingly, the editor arose, and, having refreshed himself with a cocktail, (lallieU j forth to assault two gentlemen whose opinions | happened to differ from his own, and then he resumed his professional duties. 1