ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIV, Issue 8020, 6 August 1887, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

When a man is too buay to laugh he needs a vacation. "I'll be darned if I have a lot of boles worn into me," muttered the old sock. We Tarn ez much frum de 'sample 0' de fool fcz we do frum the words o , dejwiae man. Which is tho worst sinner, tho man who ctu sing and won't or tho man who can't and will? Tho inventor of a machine that will darn socks, sayu :—" No married man ought to be without one." Nox was tho ancient god of night. Knocks now rulee the morning—the eany morning at the bedroom door. A man of metal is one with a muscle of iron, a pocket lined with tin, speech with a silvery ring, and checks of braea. Young lady physicians are multiplying, and as a result, it is eaid the young men are becoming moro sickly than they used to be.

Of Mr. and Mrs. Grote, Sydney Smith said:—"l like them, I like them; 1 liko him, he is so ladylike ; and I like her, she's such a perfect gentleman." & woman may not be able to sharpen a pencil or throw a stone at a hen, but she can pack more articles into a trunk than a man can into a hay waggon. It is said that women dress extravagantly to worry other women. Wo arc surprised. We always thought that it was their husband they had the grudge against. Fair equestrienne : " You stem to know a great deal about married life, sir, Are you married ?" Cubleigh (twirling his moustaohe) : " Well, aw, naw—nawt exactly, y'kuuw, but —a—my father is." An American jury was recently furnished with seven gallons of whiskey while deliberating on a murder case. The verdict, Guilty of bigamy, without any extenuating circumstances," was returned.

"Ob, Ella," said Clara, "I think Lily and her beau have quarrelled" "Why, ,, replied "what makes you think so?" " Well, her parlour has been brilliantly lit every evening thia week." Fifty thousand years hence. Professor of University of Timbuctoo : " You can perceive, gentlemen, that we are decended from tha extinct animal called man, a half-developed creaturo whose tall was not grown." Someone has described the ideal wife as a woman who, beforo marriage, determines to spend her life in obeying the wishes of her husband, but who takes care at the same time to marry a man who has no wishes worth speaking of. "Say, Jack, hadn't we better givo up our seats to the ladies V' "Not much, old chappie ; I've had to give up my seat at the theatro since they took to wearing high hats, and I'm going to hang on to my seat in the car till the fashion changes. "You cay you stumped Texas for tho Prohinition ticket, What peculiarity of your audience struck you most forcibly ?' "Well," said the missionary, "tho chunks cf clay and pieces of brick struck me must forcibly, but the eggs stayed by me the longest."

Mother: " Why, Harry, you haven't got through playing house down on the beach, have you?" Harry: " YesTm." Mother: " What's the matter? Didn't you have a good time ?" Harry : " No'm ; that Carrie Judson is .1 mean old thing. She wouldn't light a bit liko you aud papa, and when I hit her on the head she cried. She's no fun."

Peneeroso : "So you went down to the opora last night, eh? How did you enjoy themusio?' , Allegro: "Oh, the music wud good, ae far as it went. I miesed tho best part, though, by having to leave to catch the last train." Pen3eroso: "Ah, what part was that? Iho prison eceno ? That was too bad." Allegro : " Confound it, no 1 The ballet 1"

A young physician of small practice noticed a man buying some cucumbers, end he followed him home aud waited outside for developments. Four hours later the front door opened and the man came hastily down tho steps. " Want a doctor ?" gasped the impecunious physioiau. "No," responded the man ; " I'm going around to the grocer's for some cucumbers.

Adolphus and Alaska:—"Oh, isn't it a lovely night. Adolphus? Just fancy how delightful the nights must be in the Orient? The azure blue sky, the perfume of the flowers, the eoft tinkliug—" "I tell you, Miranda, dear, I prefer the nights they have in Alaska. They're jnst immense." "Immense, Adolphua?" "Yes; for courting. They're *o Ion?, you know,"