ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIII, Issue 7824, 18 December 1886, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

An Austin boy described heathens as "folks wot don't fight over religion." It ie only on the biggest scalee that you can learn the weight of the world. They do say that a girl never looks so pretty to a young man as when she has just refused to be his wife. Many a man who thinks he is going to set the world afite finds to his sorrow that someboJy has turned the hose on him. Mamma: "Henry, IVe a surprise for you." Papa: "Indeed." Mamma: "Yea; baby has cat his eye teeth." Papa: "Gracious me ! what a tsrrible aooident."

" Why i» it," asked Mme. Z. one day, "that you don't get married? , "Impoisible, my dear madam," responded X., "I have euch a horror of divorce." Inebriated party to sober citizen : " I «hay, miater, how fur is it to Canal-street ?" Citizen: "About 20 minutes , walk." Inbriattd Party : "For you or (hie) or fo' me?" The conductor exclaimed angrily, " Here ! dou't do that. You're ringing the bell at both eudp of the car." " That's all right. Bedad, an' I want both eada of the car to shtop." " What did the PuritaDS come to this conntry for?" asked a Massachusetts teacher of her claac "To worship in their own way, and make other people do the same," was the reply. lam coming by»and-byo: you will hear my plaintive cry, in accents mild and gentle as a lamb. I'm not coming on a frolic, but to give small boys the colic, sing hey ! the email green apple that .1 am. " What would you do in time of war if you had the suffrage?" asked Horace Greeley of Mrs. Stantou. "Just what you have done, Mr. Greeley ; stay at home and urge the others to go and fight," replied the la'iy. A down-town druggist has a parrot which he has taught to say " What a pretty girl 1" whenever a woman, young or old, enters his store; and they do say that a poor, weak man can hardly get inti the store to buy a on a tine afternoon. The child who makes the acquaintance of the maternal slipper may have the satisfaction of knowing that its mother once underwent the same operation at the hands of its grandmother. This is one of the reasons why children are so fond of their grandparents. When Dean Swift was arguing one day with great coolness with a gentleman who had become exceedingly warm in the dispute, one of the company asked him, how he could keep his temper so well. " The reason is," replied the Dean, " I havo truth on my aide." Woman : " If I e,ive you something to eat will you saw a little wood ?" Tramp : " No, mum ; I'm too weak to saw wood. I'm not lazy, jest weak ; but I'm willin' to do what I oau. You give me a good dinner, an' I'll sit out on the cornfield for a scarecrow while I'm eatin , it."

Augustus was manipulating the lawnmower in the evening, by way of exeroiae, and his wifo sat on the door-step watohing him. " Why is Augustuslike one that is deceased ?" she aaked her sister, who could not tell. " Because he is no mower"; and now there is grief in the household. In Good Housekeeping for October they have got a male contributor, Mr. Zonae Dano. He seems to be a bold and eccentric person. He says the husband's motto should be, " Tell your wife." But thie is not all. He goes on to assert that there is "no need to t'.ak wives to tell huabands all they know. They do it anyhow !" Some yeare ago, at the Derby, when the grand prizo waa won by a French horse, the Frenchmen present cheered most vociferously, and, in addition to other expressions of triumph, one of them shouted, " Waterloo avenged !" " Yes," said Sir William Harcourt, who wae standing by, "you ran well in both cases." Omaha man: " I see there is a great demand in the East for the coinage of halfcents." Eastern stranger: " Good graoious ! When did that start up!" "Some weeks ago, I believe." "My! my ! I must hurry home and use my influence against it. That will never do." " Are you a member of Congress ?" " No, I'm a clergyman." A writer on poultry Bays that one'essential to sucoeas is to keep the fowls at work. Hβ continues :—" Hens that have free range and pick up a large share of their living by their own exertions are seldom elck, and they generally lay well." There is food for reflection here; but before you put it in practice, gentle reader, prepare for an internecine strife with your neighbour on t'other side of the fence.