LOCAL GOSSIP.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIII, Issue 7800, 20 November 1886, Page 1 (Supplement)

LOCAL GOSSIP.

Let mo have audience for a word or tw>. —Shalttpere. I am exceedingly loth to give up the Waikato saurian, or even the bear or tiger which succeeded it on the stage of history. But I am afraid I must do so, and ■ content myself with crediting the Castleton boys with an extra share of imagination. Mr. Castleton himself has written to the Herald on the subject, and would be glad to wash his hands of the whole affair, about which he has been unmercifully chaffed. He however does not doubt the veracity of his boys,, because, as he says, "they know full well the penalty that awaits them should they be caught making any untruthful statements." This does not refer to any punishment reserved for infliction in a future state of existence. The Castleton household is evidently governed on the good old rules. If " caught'' telling stories the boys would get a sound birching," or, as New Zealand birch is not suitable for the purpose, tea-tree or supplejack would make excellent substitutes. But it may be as difficult to catch a boy a3 a saurian, though for other reasons. A friend of mine reading Mr. Castleton's letter, and seeing that he had made up his mind not to speak about monster No. 2, "owing to the badgering I received over the former," suggested that the animal might be a badger, which is proverbially difficult to draw. It has been said, however, from Waikato, as accounting for the non-appearance of either of the brutes, that they met on the banks of the creek and had a stand-up fight; and that if, as was suggested, the Auckland Volunteers went on the scene, they would only now tind a Tew scales and a little hair to represent both monsters. Meantime those boys, knowing well by experience the penalty that awaits them if caught romancing, are not likely to throw more light on the subject. But they will stick to their story.

Of late the colonies have had a plentiful shower of Knighthoods rained upon them, and if, as is expected when the jubilee of Her Majesty is attained, the occasion is signalised by a profuse creation of honours, we shall not know very well what to do with them all. On one occasion in English history, so many Knight* were created that it was said the distinction lay in not being made one: Probably it will be a long time before we come to that point, because in the colonies the appetite for knighthoods seems to grow in proportion to the plentifulness with which they are shovelled out. When one man is knighted there, are, say, a score who consider that they have as much right to the honour as he. But they say that in this, as in all other matters, the .women are at the bottom of the whole mischief, and that it is their thirst to take precedence of all their friends by being called Lady So and-so that causes all the intriguing and scheming for knighthood. The order of St. Michael and St., George was not at first reckoned very honourable, having been originally connected with the lonian Islands. It is said that when Sir Edward Stafford was first offered a rank in the order he indignantly refused, saying, " Since when have 1 been a brigand ?" But even he succumbed at last, and became a comrade of Sir Spiridione Valaoriti. New Zealand has now somewhere about a dozen knights, including, alas,, two Sir Juliuses. Judging from what we have read in the papers lately, some of our colonial knights might take a lesson in polite bshaviour from the Greek brigands, among whom the order of St. Michael and St. George originated.

Now that the summer season is approaching, some provision should be made for taking the fire-engines and hose-reels to the scene of the conflagration by horse traction, instead of being dragged thither by the members of the Fire Brigade. The present system is not fair to humanity. At the last fire at Ponsonby, some of the men were ready to drop after tugging the fire apparatus from the brigade station across Freeman's Bay and up College Koad. It is suggested by a correspondent, as the best means of securing the proper remedy, that the next time a fire breaks out in the suburbs, the City Fathers and the Insurance Company managers should drag the engines, &c., to the fire. He thinks that horses would be provided for the job the very next week.

Over thirty years ago, a tidy little Maori church existed at the top of Constitution Hill, into which the blanketed savages trooped from the Maori hostelry adjacent. To-day that church has a notice on it, " To let," while a villa reaideuce rears itself alongside. " Icbabod" is written on this temple, for some of the planking is torn off the porch ; a large pane of glass is broken out in the front window, through which a loafer can crawl in and get shelter inside. On the floor of the church is a smashed beer bottle, showing that somebody has had " a refreshing season," while the bask door is open, and the back window smashed, rendering access to the building by loafers and larrikins easy. It is to be hoped for the sake of those interested that the Insurance Companies have a good line on the building. What the native donors of the land think of the "To let" on their quaint little church and the villa residence alongside is not known. But as an illustration of "Then and Now," it is not without its moral and its uses.

In the Births, Deaths, and Marriages column of the Herald, during the present week, I notice that the cheering announcement is made that Mrs. Brown has given birth to another son, "No. 9." It is pardonable for a fond father to cackle over the event, and the attainment of the mystic number, 9, will probably set him musing when Saturday night comes round.

Some of the city publicans are likely to have a bad quarter of an Hoar with the Licensing Committees, owing to the latter having discovered some flagrant cases of evading the provisions of the Licensing Act. It is alleged that one unlicensed person is fulfilling the functions of landlord, while the real Simon Pure is ruralising in the country. "Doing a rough trade" (whatever that may mean) is the entry which the Temperance Recording Angel has put against some of them. The publicans, on the other hand, declare that, in these dull times, it is difficult to make both ends meet, whether the trade done is rough or smooth, The tobacco vendors seem to be utilising art to a large extent in advertising their wares. 41 The Venus brand" was the subject of comment some years ago; but the sketches in connection with "Old Judge" 1 cigarettes show that certain people are very

poor judges as to where the line should be drawn. Their ideas of art must be as mixed up as those of Mrs. Wraggles, whom Punch has immortalised. Looking upon a plastercast of Apollo Belvidere,' at an art exhibition, she sententiously observed, " I've seed Apollo Belvidere, and I've seed Wraggles; but give me Wrangles 1"

With the summer season comes boating, llshiug, and other aquatio amusements ; but with these, alas, comes also year by year the same ghastly procession of casualties, and no week passes without the sad record, "Accidentally drowned." Why ever do not our boys and girls learn how to swim ! Now that there are baths both salt and fresh, where is the excuse for this culpable negligence ?

Swimming is a very easy accomplishment, indeed the wonder is how anybody manages not to swim. Still, beginners waut putting in the way of it. The keeper of the salt water baths, I believe, gives lessons ; but all may not be able to afford his fee, however small it may be. Could not classes be formed at stated hours ? In this way the teacher could still be remunerated for his trouble, whilst the cost to each individual learner would be trifling.

Talking of swimming reminds me of a very reprehensible action on the part of a 'bus driver at the North Shore the other day to a party of fathers who had made their way from town to the Cheltenham Beach for a trip. Some of the party (all of whom did not wish to ride) mounted the vehicle, the rest inquiring which wharf the boat started from. "The farthest one, ' replied the driver, who evidently meant to book the entire party. The query, however, had been merely put to inform the rest of the party whither to bend their Bteps. After tramping to the farther wharf they found to their disgust that their trouble had been needless, as the boat had gone on to Devonport. If the denizens of our pretty little watering-place hope to make it a place of popular resort, they must put down such practices as this.

I am sorry to see that selfishness has prevailed, and the drapers' half-holiday is in danger of falling through. The ladies of Auckland can still save it; and it will be to their eternal diigraoe if they fail to come to the rescue. Ido not suggest their boycotting the recreant shopkeepers, but I J would urge them to sedulously refrain from shopping on the Thursday, and thus show that, they being no partners to the alteration, the cruelty lies at the door of the employers alone.

The assistant?, in their crusade, made a mistake in asking the ministers of religion to preach about the matter; to use their influ ence would have been a legitimate request: not so their pulpits. No wonder that a minister recently wrote to the Herald denouncing this nuisance to which the clergy are continually subjects

In this connection the Women's Gospel Temperance Union are the latest sinners ; they have issued a circular requesting. clergy to use unfermented wine at the Lord's table. What is "unfermented wine?" There is no such thing ! Wine is commanded to be used, and wine is defined by the authorities to be " the fermented juice of the grape," or " the juice of any fruit prepared for a beverage by fermentation." So these ladies, to say nothing of their uncalled for interference with ministerial duties, calmly demand that the Ministry shall depart from Biblical usage and break the law of the Church.

Another pleasing feature is the extremely charitable view taken of other people's Christianity, and exhibited in the reason given for preferring such a monstrous request. These Christian ladies " feel it to be an almost hopeless task to work for ' prohibition ' while God's professing people must have intoxicating wine for their religious services." To these " professing " people of God, 1 should recommend the practice of a little more of that charity in which He delights. " #

" What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander !" Not always ; it depends which way it acts. Some of the Benefit Societies want to band together to get their benefit at the expense of the doctors, who naturally enough band together to resist it. lam told that it is the "temperate" bodies that "are acting in this " tuppeny-ha' penny " "temperate" manner. Why don't they go in for «'T—totalism," and abolish the doctors' pay altogether ? Judging from their action the other evening, their spirit is good for it, although they do not see their way to carrying it out. They couldn't burn the doctor, but they made an auto da ft of his letter. Were the actors in this farcical tragedy really grown-up men and reasonable beings ? Whan !

There is a factory which has been particularly lucky lately in cutting off the index fingers from the right handiof young girls. Surely there must be some mode of preventing this wholesale maiming and disfiguring of our daughters Surely something might be done to stop such a serious proceeding as this.

There were high jinks in Queen-street on Thursday, all through the bunest part of the day. In the very middle of that thronged thoroughfare stood, hopelessly stuck fast, that hideous monstrosity the steam-roller ; horses shying and leaping in all directions, tramoars off the line, people bolting out of the way all the blessed afternoon. When "a bishop has been demolished or a city councillor's window smashed, the means of lifting this beastly nuisance out of the road will be provided.

The Antipodes is verily the very topsyturvydom of the conventionalities. "Saturday excursion to Waikomiti and back for 28." Now, in the old country we used to revel in the " To Brighton and back for half-a-crown," or the "cheap excursion to Matlock baths," and the like. In solemn England your excursionist goes a-pleasuring to some scene of surpassing beauty like the Peak, or to some jollification like the Nottingham Goose Fair ; but your light-hearted New Zeaiander takes his Saturday jaunt to the dismal slopes of Waikomiti and spends his half-holiday in the cemetery. Well, after all, recreation is but relaxation, and that means a reversal of processes and modes of life, so, after all, there iB not bo much incongruity in the matter, and we may yet be able to settle whether at the Antipodes we are " standing on our heads or our heels."

It is aomowhat hard to understand the opinions which Mr. Richard Monk, now before the electors of Waitemata, holds on the subject of Freetrade and Protection. Addressing the electors of Devonport, he said:—"ln his head he was a Freetrader, but in his heart he was a Protectionist.'' It is believed that a good many people in this community have no heart, and certainly some are not very well furnished in the matter of heads but Mr. Monk boldly claims to have both organs, though he acknowledges that they are at variance. This is not as it should be, especially in the case of a candidate for Parliamentary honours. If he is distracted between the claims of his heart and hi,9 head, then there is something radically wrong with the latter. What Mr, Monk means is, that the arguments for Freetrade are indisputable, and that his mind must yield assent; but that, when the case of this or that man for protection to some special matter, for his special benefit, comes before him, his heart gives way, and he is willing to do him a good turn at the cost, as his head (which approves the doctrines of Freetrade) tells him, of the general community. I am quite sure that that is not the way in which Mr. Monk carries on his, own business, or the business of those who employ him to manage their concerns. But Mr. Monk is utterly illogical. If the arguments of Freetraders are right, then it must be because they show that a Freetrade policy is the best for the whole community, and conduce to the prosperity and well-being of the people. Surely Mr. Monk's heart ought to coincide with that. Mebcotio.