ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIII, Issue 7656, 5 June 1886, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Yocxoi man, mike "a note of this. Grass windows aro not green. " What kind of a dog is that, my little man?" "He's part tarrier." "And what's the other part ?" " Oh, just dog !" A Rondout man of small stature gives as a reason of his stunted growth that he was brought up, when a baby, on condensod milk. " Time's money," growled the disappointed creditor. " Well," replied the persecuted debtor, "haven't I always said I'd pay in time ?" If the editors of some of the agricultural papers were given " three acres and a cow,' they wouldn't know from which one of them to expect the milk. " I've run a piece of wood under my finger nail," said an old married man to his wife. "Ah,"she sneered, "you must have been scratching your head." Many a parrot talks absurd nonsense, but we have a great deal more respect for the gossiping birds after we had a few doses of the Congressional Record. A woman will face a frowning world, and cling to the man she loves through the most bitter adversity ; but she wouldn't wear a bonnet that was out of fashion to save the Government. Professor Maria Mitchell, of Vassar College, recommends land surveying as a business tor women. Professor, what would a woman do if she saw a field-mouse and there was no stump handy ? A man who had attended the performances of " Hamlet" was asked how he liked it. "It's a good play," he replied — "well written, and all that sort of thing, but it's full of old jokes." " Were you at the opera lastnight ?" "Yes." "How did you like the lout ensemble'!" " Not very well. I thought that the orchestra gave us entirely too much toot as well as too much cymbals." The father of a St. Louis bride presented his son-in-law with 80,000 head of cattle. " Papa, dear," exclaimed his daughter, when she hoard of it, " that was bo kind of you. Charley's awfnlly fond of oxtail soup." Lord Wolaeley, the man who set out to smash the Mahdi, and didn't, is now engaged in exterminating Mr. Gladstone. Wolseley always believes in taking big contracts, whether he carries them out or not. As the convalescent patient said to the doctor when an extravagant bill was presented, What's the use of your saving my life, if you shove a bill at me afterwards bo big that I worry myself to death over it?" A little girl, much excited, rushed into th« parlour, which was full of company, and exclaimed: "Mamma, just think of it." "Think of what, darling?" " Our cat has a whole lot of twins, and I didn't even know she was married." When Tain Tait, church officer to Mr. Thomson, of Duddingston, wanted to compliment any preacher on the effectiveness of bis sermon, it was generally in these terms : "You was the very thing I wad hae said mysel', sir." The telephone monopoly has many evil features, but perhaps its worst crime is its habit of shutting a pretty girl with an entrancing voice up in a little box where admiring men can't get at her except through half a mile of quivering wire. According to the dispatches, Bernhardt'! Hamlet has proved a failure. The Buffalo Courier thinks the climax of the fiasco was probably reached when the immortal Sarah be«an the soliloquy, "Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt." At a woman's suffrage convention where it was found necessary to pass the bonnet instead of the hat, not one of the delegates would consent to give up her headgear, for fear somebody else would discover where the bonnet had been fixed over. Count X, in coming out of his club the other day meets one of his servants in the street, very drunk. " You scoundrel," he ejaculates, "are you not ashamed to be seen in such a state as this 1 Supposing you are arrested ?" " Oh, be easy about that, Monsieur leComte. I always have one of Monsieur's cards with me when I go out." A sensible parson was the one in Sheffield, England, who on a recent snowy Sunday announced that he would preach no sermon, "not," as he explained, "because the congregation is small, or because I have no sermon — for I have a carefully prepared discourse in my pocket—but because I am anxious that you should get home quickly and take off your wet boots,"