ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIII, Issue 7650, 29 May 1886, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Telephone is feminine—it talks back. Tho man with rheumatism is every inch, a'king. All men are born equal, After that the fun begins. It is not considered necessary in society to return a bill-collector's call. What is wanted to make man and wife pull well together —Accord. " Timo works wonders," as the lady said when she got married after thirteen years' courtship. A Chicago church, it is said, recently put up in the vestibule this eign :—" Salvation i≤ free, but the pews are not." Tho town of Montrose, Neb., boa-its three newspapers, two variety shows, twenty saloons, two hotels, one gaol, and plans for a church. A society journal informs un that " when a gentleman and lr.dy .ire walking up the street, tho lady should walk inside the gentleman." Short dresses are coining into fashion again, and young Ir.iie.i are experiencing the old, old difficulty of getting a No. (J foot into a No. 4 shoe. What this country needs is a scientist who will invent a placid smile to be worn by women when they cuter a etreet car and can't find a seat. Joy never kill?. A man has been known to survive the shock or finding a forgotten £1 note in the watch-packet of his last summer's pantaloon l . At tho last lynching in Indiana the lyncheca were allowed to choose the tree from which they should hang. Thus was justice tempered with mercy. Tho society editors of many Western papers are telling their readers that they can't got much news thesu days, "owing to the prevalence of Lent." An English paper, speaking of the launch of a new vessel, says :—" The christening cere- i mony was performed by Lady Campbell. Her tonnage is 1810, and sho can cany six , i guns." i Rev. Robert S. Kowe, of Baltimore,', is i going to have some trouble with his congregation, because he referred to charity I bulls as "Godless hops in the sweet name of < sweet charity," " Are you fond of looking at the stars ?" i asked Bromley of Da Guy. " Well, yes," i answered that engaging young man, " some- ; times ; but as a rule the chorus is good 1 enough for me." ' A farmer and hie wife went into a dentist's, t " How much do you charge for filliu' teoth :" < asked the fanner. " Krom lOjj to £1." < "And for pulling?" *"2a Sd." "Manar," i he said, turning to bis wife, "you'd better j got it pulled," 1 " Dues your wife talk in her sleep ?" asked s one married man of another one day when ( they wore comparing notes. " I don't lie awake to sue," replied the heartless husband ; i " but she talks ;sll the rest of the time, ao 1 i rather S' ,o docs." i Student :"lU.c fii'jil (the king flees)." i Professor : "In what other tense can tlu> ( form be made-?" Student: " Perfect." Pro- t lessor : " And how would you then translate?" Painful silence. Professor suggests ' " has." Student : " The king has fleas." i Patrick was a true son of Erin, always r happy, and always ready for a joke. One 1 day a farmer, in passing him, shouted g.'odhumourelly, "Bad luck to you, Patrick 1" f " Good luck to you, sir !" was the immediate \ response; "and may najther of us be r roight 1" s Dr. King, like St. Piul, was not imposing t in personal appoarance. On the birth of i one of Dr. King's children, the little stranger [ was brought to Jamca, tho beadle, who was a making his daily call. James looked for a { i little while, and then said, " Nae sae bad, c conaiderin'." r When Dick Thompson, of Indiana, was \- made secretary of tho navy, someone called A upon Mrs. Thompson to congratulate her t on her husband's elevation to the head of the 1 Navy Department. She could hardly believe a that the news was true, and said to her t visitor, " Why, Richard isn't fit to be Secrc- E tary of the Navy : he can't even swim." [ " Will you please give me some dinner, c ma'am?' begged a tramp. "I guess so," 1 was the reply. "Will you have a plate of a soup?" "I'm not particular," said the a trump. "There was a time," he went on, « mournfully, " when I wouldn't think of }] silting down to dinner without soup; but things is different now. You kin atarfc me [, ou roast lietf, or pie, or even an ontry, for a all I care." v