ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXII, Issue 7341, 30 May 1885, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Carlyle says, " Laughter means sympathy." This will bring comfort to the man who has inadvertently trodden on a banana peel. A recipe for lemon pie vaguely adds :— "Then sit on a stove and stir constantly." Just as if anybody could sit on a stove without stirring constantly. Swans sing before they die: 'Twere no b»d thing Should certain persons die Before they sing. " This milk is ratber warm for such a cold morning," said a customer the other day to a milk-boy. " Yes, father put hot water in it, instead of cold, to keep it from freezing," was the simple and truthful reply. A smart old lady, being called into court as a witness, grew impatient at the questions put to her, and told the judge that she would stand down, for he was " really one of the most inquisitive old gentleman she ever saw."

"Noblest of heroes," says a patriotic citizen to a wood-legged soldier who has just returned from the seat of war in China, " noblest of heroes, thanks to your efforts, France has planted a foot in the Orient." " Ya-as ; my foot ?' " Did you break that window, boy ?" said the grocer, catching hold of the fleeing urchin. "Yes, sir," ■ " What do you mean by running off in this manner?" " Please, sir, I was running home to get the money. I was afraid if I didn't run home quick I nWht forgot." ■ '..he Rector (furious): "Someone has beon putting soot and grease on the stair-rail I Now, who has been guilty of this ungentlemanly—" Master Godfrey (favourite but cheeky pupil): " I should say you have evidently had a hand in it yourself, sir 1" [Result: Five hundred marks to the bsi.] " Look at that doggie with the long nose I" said young Miltiadee at the menagerie. "What's that called?" "That," replied the mother, "is an ant-eater." "An anteater," he repeated, thoughtfully. " Then, I wish they'd feed him on Uncle Jack's wife, 'cause the didn't give mw my birthday present, "

"G'mawnin', Eph. Whatamyou doin , fur a libbin de»e days ?" Me ? Why, I'se 'sistant eup'intendant ob de bigges* railroad in die country.'' G'long 1 You doan told me ! Golly, Eph! what does de 'sietant sup'intenden' haf to do ?" " Nαthin , but 'sist de Bup'intender,' when he wants to pat on his oberooat an' sich."

" So yon think your meter doesn't register properly?" "I am sure it doee not, sir." " Well, we are so busy now we can't attend to it. We will send a man up about the middle of next month." " I wish you would. I am sure it does not register more than half the gas I burn." "Eh I Just wait a minute. I'll send a man right up with you now to test it." Jouk Russell was a farm servant not far from Camwath. One day when Mrs Brown (the farmer's wife) went into the she found Jock down on his knees before a milk boyne, and skimming the cream off with hie finger and putting it in his mouth. " Oh, Jock, Jock ! she exclaimed. I don't like that." " Ah, woman," replied Jock, " ye don't know what's gude for ye." "Now, sir," said the prosecuting attorney, pompously, "you are a railroad man, you say. Now, sir, let'a see how much you know about your business, sir. What motive has your company, sir, for running its trains through the city faster than the ordinances decree ?" ■ What motive »" " Yes, sir, what motive ? Come, sir I" " Why, locomotive, I should say." The witness was fined for contempt of court. It is related of Thomas F. Marshall, an American lawyer, that a Judge having once finded him £6 for contempt of coui-t, he rose and asked the Judge to lend him the money, as he hadn't it, and there was no friend present to who he could so well apply as to his Honor. This was a stumper. The Judge looked at Tom and then at the olerk, and finally said, " Clerk, remit Mr. Marshall's fine; the State is abler to loose £6 than I am."

A certain laird met one of his gilliea in a remote district, the whioh constituted an excellent apology for casting to the four cardinal points the restrictions ordinarily onforoed by considerations of position. " What will you take to drink ?" asked the laird. " Just whatefl'er ye pe takia' yersel , , Mr. M'Eenzie," replied Donald. "I was thinking of having a pale ale," said the laird. "I'll take a pail of ale, tool" was the modest rejoind ».