ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXII, Issue 7270, 7 March 1885, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

First Gent, (politely): "Might I trouble you to pass the cruet stand ?" Second Gent, (contemptuously) : "Do you take me for a waiter ?" First Gent, (severly): " Oh, beg your pardon ; 1 took you for a gentleman." Magistrate (newly-appointed) : " Now, constable, what casee this morning ?" Police Sergeant: " Please, your Worship, I have in custody John Simmons, alias Jones, alias Smith, al —" Magistrate: "Ah, well—l'll try the women first. Bring in Alice Jones !" " I heard at least one thing in the coarse of your sermon to-day that I never heard in a eermon before," said a man to a preacher who had detained his congregation till their patience was nearly exhausted. "And what wae that?" asked the minister, greatly pleased. "I heard the clock strike twice," was the reply. Court (to prosecutor) : "Then you recognise this handkerchief as the one which was etolen from you?" Prosecutor: " Yes, your Honor." Court: " And yet it isn't the only handkerchief of the sort in the world. See, this one I have in my pocket is exactly like it." Prosecutor: "Very likely, your Honor ; I had two stolen." When Mies Tree was playing Juliet in Philadelphia, Mr. Hamilton, in the role of Koineo, wae suddenly taken ill juat as the balcony scene was about to commence. When she said to Mr. Lindsay, who relieved Mr. Hamilton, "Romeo, iiomeo, wherefore art thou Romeo ?" a Yankee in the pit cried out, " Kase t'other man's sick." "I see you are building a new house, Mr. Brown?" "Yes, you are right." "Made the money out of whisky, I suppose ?" "No." "Why, you are a liquor dealer, are you not?" "Oh yes, but the money I'm putting into this house was made out of the water I put in the whisky. Every penny of it was made out of water, sir." A reserved sportsman was once boasting of his infalliable skill in finding a hare. "If I were a hare," said a Quaker, who was present, "I would take my seat in a place where I should be sure of not being disturbed by thee from the Ist of January to the last day of December." " Why, where would you go ?" asked tho sportsman. " Into tby study," replied the Quaker. A journeyman weaver took to his employer a piece of cloth he had just finished. Upon examination two holes about an inch apart were found in it, on account of which a tine of two shillings was demanded. "Do you charge the same for small as for lareo holes ?" asked the workman. "Yes," replied the master, " a shilling for every hole, big or little." Whereupon the workman immediately tore the two holes into one, exclaiming, "That'll save a shilling, anyhow." Hie employer is said to have been so well pleased with his wit that he remitted the whole fine at once.

Father Rjan, the poet-priest of the Confederacy, once created great amusement by a retort he made to Butler. Some Catholic officer or soldier who was dying desired the sacred offices of a priest. Father Ryan was eent for, but did not respond. General Butler's attention was called to the omieeion, and an orderly was at once dispatched for the father. On the priest's arrival at headquarters, Butler, suspecting the omission to be the result of "rebel" feeling, rudely asked Father Ryan why he did not attend the summons. " Because I was giving the eacrament to another dying man," responded the priest; " but, General, you are mistaken in supposing I would not gladly bury you all."

One day Beckmann, the comic actor, was induced to mimic a well-known newspaper editor, Frankel. He performed his task so cleverly that at the close the audience broke out into loud calls for Frankel. The journalist brought an action, and Beckmann was condemned to go to the house of the insulted party, and there beg his pardon in the presence of witnesses. At the hour appointed Frankel sat in the circle of his family, together with a number of relations and friends who had been convened for the occasion, waiting the delinquent. Half an hour after the time appointed Beckmann put hie head in and asked, "Does Mr. Mejer live here?" "Oh, no," answered Frankel. "He lives next door." "Ah then, I beg your pardon," said the actor, and hastily withdrew, having thus acquitted himself of the imposed penance, to the great annoyance of Frankel and the intense amusement of the assembled witnesses,