ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXII, Issue 7222, 10 January 1885, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Is we hope for what we are not likely to possess, we act and think in vain, and make life a greater dream and shadow than it really is. It never yet happened to any man since the beginning of the world, nor ever will, to have all things according to his desire, or to whom fortune was never opposite or adverse.

" Were you ever caught up in a sudden squall ?" asked an old yachtsman of a worthy citizen. " Well, I guess bo," responded the good man. "I have helped to bring hp eight babies." '' Mike" was a simpleton, and, on being tested with a half-crown and a half-sovereign, he picked up the latter, remarking, "No, no, Mike won't be covetous. Mike'll be content with the little one." Habit in most cases hardens and encrusts by taking away the deeper edge of our sensations, but does it not in others quicken and refine, by giving a mechanical lelicity, and by grafting an acquired sense ? Mistress : " Bridget, we will have cotelettes for breakfast to-morrow morning." Bridget: "The girls don't like cotelettes, marm." Mistress : " But Hike cotelettes." Bridget: '• ft in hardly worth while to get them for • ae " A politician, who complained of a pain in his left shoulder at night , was told by a physician that he must lie on his right Bidf. "Lie on the right side!" "Which is the right side ? I've been lying on all sides for years, and never seem to have hit the right one yet." A party of young gentleman dined sump* tuously at a restaurant in Dublin, and each one insisted on paying the bill. To decide the matter it was proposed to blindfold the waiter, and the first one he caught should pay the bill. He hasn't caught any of them yet. The minister of a rural parish having neglected to pray for rain in a time of drought, a deputation was appointed to wait upon him, and remonstrate with him on the subject. After hea.ing what they had got to say, he replied, " Weel, weel, I'll pray for rain to please ye ; but the feint a drap ye'll get till the change o' the moon." Little hell: "We had lovely times at the sea-shore this summer. Where did you go?'' Little Jack: "We staytd in the city." '"Little Nell : " Did you ? Howawful it is to be poor. We used to stay in the city, but we go to the sea-shore every year now." Little Jack : " Well, we're going next summer. My pa is going to fail too." "General," said the Senator's private secretary, *' they saw it is all nonsense about your being a Greek scholar. Here's a paper that says you don't know a Greek root from a double harness." "Humph I them fellows only show their ignorance." All the same, he stepped into the next room and asked Mary it the trees in Greece had different roots from those in this country. . ~ .

A gentleman and his wife, the latter with a six months old infant in her arms, were about to enter tbe Opira House to see the performance one night, when the doorkeeper suddenly said, "Beg pardon, ma'am, but you can't take infants inside." "Very well," said the lady,, "so much the better for me. You just take care of the little fellow until the play is over—and, by the way, here's the milk-bottle iu case he should,cry." The celebrated Dr Brown courted a lady for many years, though unsuccessfully, during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health before any other. Being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman said, " Come, doctor, let us have the usual toast to the lady of your love." The doctor replied, " I have now been toasting her for many years, and as I can't make her Brown, I'll toast her no longer." " Csesar," said a planter to his negro, "climb up that tree, and thin out the branches." The negro showed no disposition to comply ; and on being pressed for a reason, answered, "Well, look heah, massa, if I go dar 'an fall down and broke my back, dat'll be a tousand dollars out of your pocket. Now, why don't you hire an Irishman to go up, and den if he falls and kill hisself, dat won't be no loss to nobody except hisself." ' A minister, while angling, came on some boys "guddling" in the stream for trout. The minister, addressing them, said, "I wonder that are not ashamed of yourselves to be catching the poor trout by 'guddling' them beneath the stones. You know that is moat unfair." The representative of the " guddling" fraternity retorted from across the stream, "It's you that should be 'shamed for trying to cheat them wi' ah am flees," ••