ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 7170, 8 November 1884, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

A yodng pianist says he " always closes his eyes when he plays." It is different with those within hearing distance. They always close their ears when he plays.

'■ In what condition was the patriarch Job at the end of his life ?" asked a Sunday-school teacher of a quiet-looking boy at the foot of the class. " Dead," calmly replied the boy. False happiness renders men stern and proud, and that happiness is never communicated. True happiness renders them kind and sensible, and that happiness is always shared.

A prominent preacher recently chose for the subject of his sermon, " How to treat your enemies." The average man, however, thinks he has done his duty if he treats his friends.

' "My daughter, you ought to have some aim in life," said a father to his sixteen-year-old. "Ohl lam going to, papa ! " was the enthusiastio reply, "I have got my beau already." -

. " What a wonderful age of inventionit is," said Mrs. Jones; " I see they are now making wire cloth. I'll have some this very week to put a seat in Johnny's everyday trousers."

Love is good and does good wondrously without thinking about it, and without knowing it. Love does good by deeds and words, and without deeds and words —by touches, by looks, by glances.

A lady teacher asked one of her Sundayschool class, " What wae the sin of tho Pharisees ?" " Eating camels, ma'am!" quickly replied the child. She had read that the Pharisees " strained at gnats and swallowed camels."

If I were in California," said a young fop, in company the other evening, " I would waylay some miner with a bag of gold, knock unt his brains, gather up the gold, and run." " I think you would do better to gather up thegbrains," quietly responded a young lady. Lord North, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his physician after it, "Sir, lam obliged to you for introducing me to some old acquaintances." " Who are they, my lord ?" inquired the doctor. "My ribs," replied his lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now." A young widow, in ereatiog a monument to the ."dear departed," cleverly availed herself of the opportunity to inscribe upon the tomb :—"Sacred to the memory of Mathusin Bezucht, who departed this life aged sixtyeighty years, regretting the necessity of parting from the most charming and best of women." .

During the recent Calcutta Exhibition a lady, who had purchased some artioleo on exhibition, asked the Baboo in charge when she conld take them away. She was rather startled on being informed that she could have them "on thu day of judgment." The Baboo meant, of course, as loon as the award had been made.

" How did you like the lecture ?" " Oh, it was beautiful 1" "What did he say?" "Oh, he said so many beautiful things!" Tell ue some." "Oh, he said—be said—but I can't tell them as he said them." " Tell us one thing he said." "He said that thecesthetics of existence enable us to—to—oh,' I can't!" " Tell us what you think he meant." " Oh, go along! Why didn't you go and hear him yourself ?"

Elizabeth is a girl about eight years old. When asked how far she had gone in her geography lemons, the little woman said, "We are in the Alps now. And what do you think? The girls there wear short red skirts and a sort of green jacket laced in front and behind with puffed sleeves. I don't remember what kind of stockings they wear; but I think they are bine." " Well," exclaimed the almost paralysed parent, "but where are 'the Alps, child?" "I don't know," was the artless response; "it doesn't Bay anything about that." : "Do you think it would be wrong for me' to learn the noble art of self-defence ?" a religiously-inclined youth inquired of his pastor. "Certainly not," answered the minister, "I learned it in youth myself, and have found it of great value during my life." "Indeed, sir. Did you learn the old English system, or Sullivan's system?" ".Neither. I learned Solomon's system." '' Solomon's: system !" " Yea. You will find it laid down in the first verse of the fifteenth chapter of Proverbs :—' A soft answer turneth aw.-.y wrath,' It is the best syatem'of self-defence of wb ! "t I have any knowledge.