ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 7008, 3 May 1884, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

A woman seldom writes her will. There is so much of it she can't. ' ' The man who hath no music m his soul— The chap who wears rubber boots, We grow broader, not by seeing error, but by seeing more and more of truth. Marriage is ever a bnfc anything is better than perpetual miss-ery. Nothing except what flows from the heart can render even external manners pleasing. _ Because a women " figures in society" it is no sign that she knows the multiplication table. . . A thorough scholar carries a key with whioh to unlock every door in the mansion of knowledge. • . _ Here is the verdict of an Idaho jury ; "Wβ find'that deceased came to his death by calling Tim Watlings a liar." Always behind hand—The wriet. Always afoot—The twelve inch rnle. Always ahead —The ecource of a river. Diaoretion is more neceasary to women than eloquence, because they have less trouble to epeak well than to speak little. There is nothing more truly insinuating and deferential than the wriggle of a little dog's tail in the preeence of a big dog with a bone. It was the late Bishop of Liohfleld who, when he was abruptly asked the way to heaven, replied, " Turn to the right and go straight forward." There are some marriages which remind us of the poor fellow who said, "She couldn't get any husband, and I couldn't get any wife, so we got married." A man need only correct himself with the same rigour that he apprehends others, and excuse others with the same indulgence that he shows to himself. * .

A quack doctor says in his advertisement; "I can bring living witnesses to prove the efficacy of my pills, -which is more than anyr one in my line can do." "Mβ challenge the jury?" exclaimed the acoused. " No, thank ye, judge; I'm a men. of peace, I am." Hβ was therefore bound over to keep the peace. A man may forget home, kindred, friends, and almost everything else, but he never forgets the first time he went into s. barber's shop to be shaved. Given that 40001bs. of tea are at the present moment afloat on the sea ; required the solid weight, avoirdupois, of the scandal which will be talked over them. ; .■ "Sh-h-h, child. Young children should be silent when other people are talking." "Then when shall young people talk, mamma? Old people are never silent." "Pa, what is poetic license?" "Well, my boy, as nearly as I can learn, poetic license is something which enables a man to say things in verse which would incarcerate him in a lunatic asylum if worked off at a political meeting." •. '■ A Philadelphia hotel-keeper seeks to scare the rural visitor into turning off the gas with notiaes thus :—" The relatives and friends of guests who. blow out the gas will have to pay for the amount of gas wasted before the body will be delivered."

A worthy old lady offers the following advice to girls:" Whenever a fellow pops the question, don't blueh and stare at your foot. Just throw your arm round his neck, look him full in the face, and commence to talk about the furniture." If falsehood had, like truth, but one face only, we should be on better terms, for we should then take the contrary to what the liar says for certain truth ; but the reverse to truth has a hundred figures and afield indefinite without bound or limit. "Are you going tQ Mi«s Beauty's wedding J" asked a lady of her husband. "No, I'm not. Weddings have no more attraction for' me," he sadly .replied. "Why not, pray ?" " Because, etiquette now forbids the promiscuous kissing of the bride." . " How poorly you look, Octave. They are right in saying the young men of to-day are feeble. Look at me. I am thirty or forty years older than you, and I am solid as an oak. I shall live one hundred years;" "O, uncle how can you speak so to your heir. Ton find only disagreeable things to say to me.. " I am not pleased with your selections. You play too much dirge music," said a manager to the leader o£\ the orchestra. "Beeides your, men don't play, with any larrup-tarrup. You need more guff;" The director has ever since been trying to find the meaning of the novel musical terms used by hie manager.. . ■ - ■