ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 6948, 23 February 1884, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Very few men are so stingy that they will not share a kiss with a pretty girl. Compositors are the most generous people in the v/orld. They are always setting 'em up. Most people have heard of a dead wall, but a correspondent writes to say ho has actually got a living room in his house, A barber shop on Saturday nights is the only plauo which we can call to mind just now that " has no vacant chair." A little girl being asked by her grandfather where cotton grew, replied with greatest simplicity, "In old gentleman's ears." There is nothing perhaps that people are more proud of than their independence of character, and yet not one in a thousand has much of it. An indiscreet man confided a secret to another, and begged him not to repeat it. " It's all right," was the reply ; "I will bo as close as you were." To express no more than is really meant is one of the first steps towards correct speech, just as careful pruning is as important to the vine as a rich soil. "Kepatomeataterin." This wai the note sent by a farmer to a school teacher in tho potato-digging season, to explain his boy's absence from school. When the doctor aflvised Brown to take care of his health, Urown remarked with a feeble smile that he didn't think it was worth while taking care of. A celebrated organist slipped off hii bench recently while playing a Bach fugue ai postlude. He was immediately expelled from the church as a Bach-slider. " To err is human, to forgive divine," is a good old adage, but we notice that it is never quoted to us when we make a mistake. We have to do the quoting for ourselves. The mate of a ship, at the critical moment of a storm, shouted out, " Let go the top-sail halyards!" "I ain't atouchiug 'em. sir," was the reply of a newly-shipped "sailor." An old fellow went to dine at .1 chop house, and after waiting some few minutes, cruffly asked the waiter, " How long will my chop be ?" "About five inches, eir," was the reply. If the oldest inhabitant could be bound in calf and kept on a shelf until va'ited ho might be useful, but he can never be found when his facts are required, and so he goes for nothing, A person in company said to another— "You are an insolent scoundrel." To which the other replied—" Gentlemen, you must not mind what this man says ; he is only talking to himself." A gallant editor says he cannot bo sufficiently grateful that short-waisterl pirls are going out of stjle. It is difficult to find a resting-place for the manly coat sleeves rouud a Kate Ureenaway frock. " I tell you," said the bad boy, confidently,' to a group of youthful friends, " my mother may aeem small—don't believe she'd weigh more than I do, in her stocking feet—but her slippers are heavy, though, you bet." " Yon told me, Arthur, that your doctor af!vi<ed you to drink whisky ; hag it done you any good ?" " Well, I should say »o ; I got a barrel of it two weeks ago, and I could hardly lift it, and now I- can carry it about the room." " Can a man marry on thirty shillings a week ?" was the question propounded tor discusHion before the " Young Men'e Economic Benefit Society," and .-» fi-male auditor shrieked, " 2vot if his girl knows that that's all the income be has !" " Mister, how do you sell sugar ?" "Ten cents a pound, sir." " Can't give it. I'll drink my coffee without suqar, and kiss my wife for sweetening. Good day, sir," " When you get tired of that kind of sweetening, please call again." "I will." He called next day. A Sunday school teacher who harl'-"almost become discouraged over the listlessness of her class at last felt rewarded by an,' interested look from a little girl. But the reward was lost when the little creature touched a bracelet on the lady's arm and asked, "Teacher, are them threaded on " 'lastic ?" ' ' " Come here, my little Eddy," said a gentleman to a youngster of seven years of age, while sitting in the parlour, where a company were assembled ; " do.,■■■you .know me ?" " Yes, sir, I think I do." V Who am I, then, let me hear ?" " You are the man who kissed sister Angeline last night, in the parlour." Angeline fainted.