ODDB AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 6936, 9 February 1884, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDB AND ENDS.

Thb joint control—That of the cook. Railway collison—Manager and men falling out. An unavoidable breach of the piece—The stock of a gun. Query.—ls the wedding-ring an embryo family circle ? Subject to fits, and pretty bad one sometimes—Tailors. The most humourous member of a dog is the wag oE his tail. What fruit does a newly-married couple resemble ?—A green pear. Query.—When a man " firea" with wrath, what sort of shot does ho use ? To get up a dinner of gre*t variety, cooks should be allowed a wide range. Sin and misery are not lovers, but they walk hand in hand just as if they were. It is probably at this times of year that gaily the troubadour touched hie catarrh. Life is a tiresome journey, and when a man arrives at the end he is all out of breath. The next time a man at Niagara attempts to shoot the rapids he will do it with a gun. The man who drinks nothing but cistern water is the one who leaves nothing alone. Envy not the appearance of happiness in any man ; for thou knowest not his secret griefs. What a curious language ! A man is late when he is dead and gone, and a train is late when it hasn't come. ' There is very little that we do in the way of helping our neighbours that does not come back in blessing on ourselves. " Zvlr. Tim, how do you keep your account books?" "Oh, by double entry." "Double entry! How's that?" "Oh, easy enough. I make one entry and father makes another." A citizen of Kentucky "sold his spectacles off his eyes, for 40 cents., and then turned right round and spent the money for three drinks of whiskey." This is einiply a transfer of glasses from above to below the nose. "See there 1" oxuiaimed a returned Irish soldier to a gaping crowd as he exhibited with some pride bis tall hat with a bullet hole in it: "Look at that hole, boys. If it had been a low-crowned hat, bedad it's my head that would have the hole in it."

At a corner of a street in Paris a wooden benoh, on which was placed a hat, attracted the attention of passers, for placard contained thia announcement —"To charitable ladies and gentlemen: Do not forgot the poor blind man, who has gone to breakfast."

A Scotoh lady, Mhose daughter was recently marriedj was asked by an old friend whether she might congratulate her on tho event. "Yes, yes," she answered; "upon tho whole it is satisfactory. It is true Jeannie hates hergude man, but then thero's aye a something." Woman, with dog jumping at her, to professor, owner of the animal—" For hoaven'a sake, man call your dog off, or he will upset me," Professor, standing on one foot and soratching hie head; "One minute, madam, one minute (to himself) as soon as I can remember the infernal brute's name."

It was Samuel Johnson, the dictionary doctor, who knocked down a fool with a eather —of wit. The simpleton dined with him and laughed immoderately at every sentence he uttered. "Pray, sir," said tho doctor at last, " what is ?,he matter ? I trust I have aaid nothing you can comprehend."

'Array was at an hotel of the cheap order and saw the following notice posted on the walls: "Breakfast at nine a.m." He said to the waiter: "Breakfast and some 'am;" to which the waiter responded : " We've no 'am." No 'am !" exclaimed 'Arry, pointing to the notice. "No 'am ! What's that ?"

It was a temperance meeting, and the speaker, with a smile' of modesty, began:— " Ladies and gentlemen, were I to talk lengthy upon this subject, I would no doubt bore you. "At that moment, however, a voice in tho gallery was heard to retort, " Na fear, mister, ye're no sharp enough for that." The wife of one of the candiatee in Ohio is eollecting for har scrap book the press notices of her husband which have appeared since his nomination. She will find out more about him. in this way than she could in any other, and will pretty soon be wondering how she cc-uld have married such a man.

"You seem to feel downhearted to-day, Denis," said his employer. "What's the matter with you ?" " It's soire distbrsssed I am, sor. Felix Maguire's ooD.nivin daughter has run off wid me b'y Miokie an' there's no wan lift to comfort me in my ould age." " It's very sad, Denis.", •' Yie, aor; it's an eclipse of the son."