LOCAL GOSSIP.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 6930, 2 February 1884, Page 1 (Supplement)

LOCAL GOSSIP.

» " Let me have audience for a word or two." — Shakspen. There was one familiar face and figure which I failed to notice among the horny handed sons of toil who assembled in the Choral Hall, on Tuesday evening;. Garrard, the immortal Garrard, the Palladium of tho Proletariate, was, as the reporters say, '' conspicuous by his absence." Tho great man, 1 regret to say, has a grievance against Sir George Grey. The Knight of Kawau uses too many hard words for him. Garrard is a man of vast attainments, as everybody knows, but a profund knowledge of the English language is not among his varied accomplishments. So it hurts his feelings to have these big hard words, which he does'nt understand, fiuug at his head by " the old man eloquent." True, he has an ingenious way of getting over the difficulty. When" ever he hears a word whose meaning he does not understand, he whip 3 out a pocket dictionary and hunts it up. But this is a slow and tedious process at the best, and whilst he is searching for the puzzling word, he necessarily loses the drift of the speaker's language. So the champion of hia " horder " did not sit at the feet of Sir George on Tuesday. Sir George will no doubt be sorely grieved to learn of this estrangement. I believe he prides himself on the simplicity of his language. It may sometimes be hard to get at his meaning, but his words are plain enough. Garrard's complaint, therefore, must touch hiin the more keenly. But these are the trials of greatness. Wasn't the same fault found with Dr. Johnson. Burney tells us that the UDlearned said the hard words in tho doctor's Rambler were used by the author, to render his dictionary indispensble. Bozzy, of course, would not hear of it at all, at all. Ho defends his idol with his cuatomarj dash and impetuosity. Johnson, himself, had a word to say in his own defence. " When common words (he wrote) were less pleasing to the ear, or les3 distinct in their signification, I have familiarised the terms of philosophy by applying them to popular ideas." Agaio, in the Idler: "He that thinks with more extent than another, will want words of larger meaning." , Put that in your pipe, Mister Garrard, and smoke it. But Sir George Grey's big words look puny things, indeed, by the side of some which are to be found among the enriositics of literature. Shakspere, who was a master of Anglo-Saxon undefiled, makes use of a word which must have given the unlucky actor who had to speak it some difficulty before he succeeded in getting it pat on the tontrue. It occurs in Love's Labour lost:—" Thou art not so long by the head as honorificabiLitudinitatibus." But even this is simple when compared with Llanvairpwllgwgngyll, or Drimtaidhvrickhillichattan, which are both names of places in the United Kingdom. However, give me easy words, such for instance as phattoperisteralektruouoptegkephalokigklopeleiolagooairaiobaphetraganopterugon. Garrard's plan of "looking up a word" is an excellent one, and if more generally followed would prevent thosenice"derangemeut of epitaphs" which so frequently betray the colonial Mrs. Malaprop. But don't swear by your dictionary. The lexicographer, who has been defined by the greatest of thetn as "a harmless drudge," is also a very fallible guide. Johnson knew a thing or two, but he did not know that windward and leeward are of opposite meaning. Nor did he know that pastern is not the knee of a horse, as he defined it in his dictionary. "Ignorance, madam—pure ignorance," was liis excuse when taken to task for the mistake by a lady. But there is an even moro exquisite piece of humour in the authorised edition of Webster. A "wicket-keeper" is therein described as "the piayer in cricket who stands with a bat to protect the wicket from the balL" The dictionary i 3, however, the accepted authority on spelling ; but even iu this particular there is sometimes a marked difference between it and common usage. Can anybody tell me why the word " veranda" is invariably spelled with a final h ? In none of the dictionaries I know of does it so appear. On# more dictionary story, and I have done : The other evening a darkey was in the bar of an Auckland hotel. As the waiter was drawing a cork the bottle burst with a loud report. " By golly, massa," exclaimed the darkey, "dat was a big disploshan." Some superior young men who were in the room tittered. "Excuse me," said one, "explosion." "Nebber heard of it," replied the darkey ; and he stuck to it that he had used the right word. The superior young men laughed at his ignorance and obstinacy. "There is no such word as displosion," said they with the confidence of men who know what they are talking about. But the darkey would not give in. Then they offered to bet that he was wrong, and the darkey took their bejs. A dictionary v. as procured, and sure enough there was uhe word the darkey had used. The pale faces were crestfallen. They paid their money to their darkskinned brother, who quietly pocketed it with a merry twinkle in bis eye, and A smile that was child-like and bland. "Ishould ope," says Eliza the housemaid, to the cook, in that amusing novel "Vice Versa"—"l should ope as a cook ranked above a governess.'' Eliza, so far as I remember, does not assign the rank of ?, nursemaid, but no doubt the latter, if asked her opinion, would place it above the cook. They are pert little things, these fair and i fanciful custodians of our youngsters, and I fancy themselves not a little. This is all the more surprising to me, because we have no military here to dawdle about and coax and flatter them when they take their infantile charges for the matutinal perambulation in the park ; and my vigilant eye hath not yet spotted any amorous Robert, sometimes yclept "peeler" or "bobby" by irreverent youths, making up to them on these favourable occasions. How comes it then that they acquire these " 'igh and mighty notions" which so '' nexasperhated" our friend Middlewick the Butterman in " Our Boys?" The latest exhibition of this sort of thing is unique. A nurserymaid in the family of an Auckland clergyman has given notice because "the misses" will not address her as "miss" so-and-so. This is charming. I suppose the next thing these young ladies will insist upon will be that " master" should raise his hat to them when he meets them out, I have received the following from a correspondent who signs himself " Nemo" : — Dear " Mercutio,"—Whilst acknowledging my obligations for your pleasant " Local Gossip." I cannot help but say, " Marcutio, Mercutio, why havo you fallen into a mistake, ilercutio?" Respecting national insurance, I w-uld say with you "Let mo have an audience for a word or two." Kvidently tho scheme does not meet with your uuqaaliUod approval.' Hut why do you halloo before you aro out of the I wood? Why do you bury a thing before it is dead J

If you. will only beat the bush, you will find the scheme has taken root, anil meets with the approval of many more than you imagine However, in yonr non-approval you ar< not altogether in bad company, our Bluff Hal, tha Nativo Minister, said it w«s a nun dxed yeara in advance of the times, but this is not so. inasmuch a* it is only keeping pai;e with the action of an important section of the people—viz , those who have affiliated themselves with societies the object of which is to raise their members above the necessity of State alrt or private benerolrnce in the day of need. The.e pay their quota of taxation, and it Is only a self-evident necessity with a Minister, and pjrticularly a Treasurer, to proter.t this quota of taxition from goiWtf towards the demoralising purpose of assisting or supporting those who are just as well able to make provision against a rainy d».y as are the members of these societies, but who do not choose to do so. The Colonial Treasurer seeks to do this through a compulsory investment for the sole benetit of the investors, which measure is only keeping abreast with the advanced voluntary action of that-sectiou of the : peopt'i I alluilcd to, and wi'ich one would suppose would meet with the support of all who are Interested in the social well-being of the community. "Nemo" is a firm believer in Major Atkinson's compulsory insurance fad. lam not. I look upon it as Utopian and impracticable. But life is too short to fritter away in discussing the matter. I am quite content to leave it; where Mr. Bryce has relegated it to— the next century. Some people have curious notions as to the functions* and duties of the police, and the following is a case in point : —A portly country dame filed into the police guardroom the other day, bursting with a grievance, and desiring to obtain the services of a constable as a witnes3 in a case where the wrong needed resistance. It appears that she had been in treaty with a milliner to make hor a new bonnet; that she had selected the materials of which it was to be made up (including a ruby crown), but on going to the establishment for the head gear which she hoped would be " a joy forever," it was not her bonnet at all, but an article made up of inferior materials. What was wanted, therefore, was the aid of a policeman as a witness, to examine the bonnet, and swear that that was not her bonnet. The imperturbable lockup-keeper explained to the dame, though the rank and file of the force might be judges of the '' poke " and the " coal-scuttle," they were out of their depth when it came to judging of the merits of their modern representative—" a postage stamp tied with two straws." As a last resort she was referred for a solution of her puzzling problem to the Inspector of Measures, but the lady's patience was by this time getting exhausted, and she left the policestation wondering what policemen did with themselves, and as to what useful purpose they subserved in political economy. According to Mr. Mcßeth and Sydney Taiwhanga what the Kingitea want now is "local self-government." I venture to say that that phrase was never translated into Maori, and that the Kingites have no idea what it means. I understand that Mr. Mcßeth does not understand Maori, and has to depend on Sydney Taiwhanga. The natives can understand what it is to be isolated, to establish an aukati between thcro and the Kuropean, but this talk of their allowing us to put a railway through if we give them "local Belf-governmep* ■"' is sheer nonsense. One of the pleasant trips of .Regatta Day was a private one. Mr. John Sheeh&n, M.H.R., hired a steamer, aDd took a number of his old friends for a pleasant sail. The steamer went twice round the Triumph, down to St. Heiier's Bay, out to the Lake, up again to Northcote, aud in the evening landed its party at the wharf, after a very enjoyable trip. Mr. Sheehan, during his long absence from Auckland, has not lost his genial and hospitable disposition. ••The Auckland Land Ring" has for a long time been in the South a name, if not to conjure with, at least to blaspheme at. This custom of commination has now reached the North Island, aud almost every Tarauaki aud Wanganui newspaper that one lifts has a hit at the Aucklaud Land King. And the best of the joke is that this mysterious Ring is supposed to be acting iu opposite directions. The people of Tarauaki are inflamed at the residents of Whanganui and the adjacent districts for urging the construction of the central route, and say that they, secretly aided by Mr. Bryce, and backed by the Auckland Land Ring, aro pressing on the survey and construction, of the central route, and throwing obstacles iu the way of the completion of the exploration by Taranaki and the Mokau. They of Whanganui and Kangitikei again are quite convinced that Major Atkinson is furtively using his influence against the central route, which they consider has been shown to be the be9t, and is allied with the Auckland Land Ring in endeavouring to promote the western route. I can assure both parties that the Auckland Land Ring, if there is such a thing at present, has said nothing on the subject. The commercial community of Auckland have pronounced pretty decisively in favour of the route, which would establish quick communication with the fertile settled districts on the West Coast. Auckland will, however, wait the result of the explorations, confident that whichever line may be made, will result in greatly benefitting this city. A further item of election gossip is, that Colonel Fraser and Mr. S(;eighc will contest the Thames, and that the Colonel is likely to win the seat. Meucdtio.