ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XX, Issue 6823, 29 September 1883, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Never look a. gift hor=e in the moufcb, i eupecially if it be a Colt Revolver. i Can't get drunk on water? Nonsense! t Go on a yachting cruise aud see if you ] can't. " What is true bravery ?" asks a paper, c It is going to sleep while your wife sits up i in bed to listen for burglars. _ i Pope's mob of gentlemen who wrote with \ ease" was evidently composed of the Brown-'e f Smith-b, aud other snobs. t The reason the largest strawberry always 1 occupy the most prominent position in the box is because " there's plenty of room at the i top." 1 A cross counter. Jack Olds tock —"We're 1 very proud of our ancestry you know." Tom I Parvenu—" Yes, I know : but how would 1 your ancestry feel about you ?" 1 There are only two cfisscs of unmarried { women in society, "scrawny old maids" aud c young "chits of girls." You lea--n this by s hearing each of classes describe the I other. C A fashion item says, "oval necks a> e more c fasliiou-iblc tlian pompadour Fquar.s." The r fashion should be encouraged. Girlu born £ with square necks don't look as well as those c whose necks are oval. i " Yes,"siidMis;Towser, as she expitititeil c upon the beauties of her flower garden—" I have given it great care, and if you come over 1 in a week or tivo, I expect to be able to show j you some beautiful auarlct pneumonias " a It's Loivell who asks—"What is so rare c as a day in Juno ? Is it not ?" Weil \ now, if he had only stopped to think a c minute, he might have known that the 29fch r of February was the answer to the riddle. [ In preserving meat, it is first salted and t then smoked ; but the young man of the period who would preserve his manliness 1 thinks he must reverse tlie process, and the c smoking is made to precede the unfreshening. c Count Smith put on a clean paper collar t ast Wednesday, when the thermometer was t 104 degrees in the shade, and it melted j round his neck in three minutes and fifteen o seconds. This is the fastest time made by a 1 paper collar this year. ] " When the—puff—doct.r tellJ me—puff, f puff—that—pud—smoking—disagrees with me —puff, putf,"eaid Mr. Pipeholder, "I— 1 puff, puff—.lisagree—puff—with the doctor j and—puff—l have to—puff, pnff—pay costs i of both—puff—disagrements." Puff, puff, 1 puff. i "My dear," said Mr. Rattler at te tcah ( table, lookinjj up from his evening paper, "this French-China trouble looks serious." j i "Yes," ausvrcred Mrs. Rattler, "Bridget broke tho handle off the eugar-bowl to-day, but I didn't think you would notice it so soon." " Wife," said a man looking up at the telegraph wires, " I don't see, for my part, how they send letters on them wires without tearing them all to bits." "Oh, you stupid," exclaimed iiis intellectual spoiiee, "why th=y don't seud the-paper they just send tho writing in a fluid stake." A clever actress was playing Juliet to a crowded house in the couutry. as she lay dead in tho tomb she contrived to ask Romeo how tho scene wa3 going. "Beautifully," he answered ; " the people in the pit have to put up their umbrellas to prevent being drowned by the tears of tlioee in tho gallery." A London tourist met a young woman going to the kirk, and as was not unu-ual, she was carrying her boots in her hand and trudging along barefoot. "My girl,"said he, "is it customary for all the people in these parts to go barefoot." " Pairtly they do," retilUd the girl, " and pairtly they miud their own business." A Chicago newspaper reporter, who was walking along the road in the neighbourhood of Con-ord, over which the famous Jumbo hod just passed, observed the footprints of tho huge animal in thn mud, and taking out his note-book entered the following memorandum of a society item for the journal with which he was c-nv.ected :—" It is understood that Miss 8., of St. Louis, who eloped a fortnight; ago. ii making a pedestrian tour cf New Hampshire." Mr. Garrovv, in examining a very young lady, who was witness in a case of assault, aske'd her if the person who was assaulted did not give the defendant very ill language, and utter words so bad that .he, the learnet counsel, had not impudence, enough to repeat them. She replied in the affirmative. " Will you madam, be kind enough then," said he, " t<) tell the Court what theso words were? ' "Why, sir," repliod she, "if you have not impudence enough to speak them, how can you suppose that I have 1"