ODDS AND ENDS

New Zealand Herald, Volume XX, Issue 6817, 22 September 1883, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS

"Eveuy cloud has a silver liaiug;" but that goe3 for nothing unless you wear tha cloud inside out.

Aye a Something : A Scotch lady whose daughter v.'as recently married was asked by an old friend whether she might congratulate her upon the event. '■ Yes, yes," the answered ; " upon the whole it is very satislaatory. it ia true Jeaunie hates ner gi'.de man, but then there's aye a something." The Legislature of Illinois having proposed to p*ss a Bill requiring hotel-keepers to furnish every room above the second storey with a rope ladder as a fire-eseapa, the landlords hit back by sayin» that it svas a mere device on the part of the legislators to e: able them to slip away from their hotel rooms without paying their bills ! A widow called at the sculptors study to sea the clay model of the bust of her husband. "I can chauge it any in particular that you may desire, madam," said the artiet. The woman regardecV it with tearful eye*. "The nose is large." "A largo nose is an indication of goodness," responded th« artist. The widow wiped away her tears and tobbcd, •' Well, then, make the nose larger." "Look here !" said he ;"I dell jou vat it is, you potter don't (lake no stock in dem wea'ier bredictions. Dose beople don't know noding. They cau't tell no petter as I can." "But, my dear sir," said a person present, "they foretold the storm we have ]ust encountered." "Veil, dat ish so," replied the German, contemplatively; "butl dell you vat it is, dat shtorm would have come yuat ue same if it had not been bredicted." Of the late Baron Martin it is related that, with his usual desire to be expeditious, he once sentenced a convict murderer to be hanged and dismissed him without a customary and important formula. The clerk reminded him of the omission. "Ah, yes, quite so," exclaimed the judge ; "bring the prisoner back. Prisoner at the bar, 1 beg your pardon. May the Lord have mercy on your soul. Kemove the prisoner, gaoler. Next case!" . A Scotch farmer was greatly exercised regarding the safety of his hay crop. The weather, though often threatening, favoured his efl'crts till he succeeded in getting it safely gatherod in, he being in this respect more fortunate than several of his neighbours. After seeing the last wisp of straw tied round his stacks, he exclaimed, with a eolf-sstisfied air, "Noo, sin' I ha'e gotten my hay a , safely in, I think the warld would be greatly the better o' a guid shower." The father of President Arthur is a sturdy Baptist minister, of whom this anecdote is told. While presiding over the Baptist church in West Troy, his choir drawled out a hymn with variations which did not please him ; so he took his text and preached for two hours and forty minutes. His head deacon grew impatient, and consulted his watch. " Keep your watch in your pocket, Deacon Jones," said be; "you had a loDg sing, and now I am going to preach till I get through." The Washington Critic tells an odd story of Oscar Wilde. A Baltimore lady asked him when hi; was going South. To which he responded, "South ? Samh? What do you mean by South ?" The lady had to explain that he was only on the border of the Southern States, and aeked him if he had never studied geography. "Oh, no," was his reply, "I could not, for the colours on the maps are so discordant, and they distressed me so, I could never bring myself to look at them." The Hon. Henry Erskine was, notwithstanding his~po«crs as a humourist, once overcome in wit by » country clergyman. The Rev. Dr. M'C , minister of Douglas, and Mr. Erskine had met at the diuuer-table of ft mutual friend. A dish of cresses being on the table, the rev. gentleman took a. supply on his plate, which he proceeded to eat, using his lingers; Erskine remarked tbat the doctor's procedure reminded him of Nebuchadnezzar. "Aye," retorted Dr. M'C , "that'll be because lam eatiu' among the brutes." A young bachelor, who had been appointed o'eputy-shoriir, was called upon to serve an attachment against a beautiful young widow. He accordingly called upon her, and "Madam, I have an attachment for you." The v.idow blushed, and said she was happy to inform him his attachment was reciprocated. " You do not understand me ; you must proceed to Court." " 1 know it is leapyear, sir; but I prefer you would do the courtiDg." " Mrs. P , this is no time for trifling; the Justice is waiting." "The Justice! Why, 1 should prefer a paraon."