ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XIX, Issue 6572, 9 December 1882, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Tt is said, "Time alone can heal tho desolate heart." This may be because time is money. Kon-.iparte revised : "Soldiers! From the summit of yonder pyramids forty correspondents are watching you." An enterprising steamboat company advertises that all their vessels arc provided with "handsome ladies' saloons."

Professor in Hydrostatics: "If you had purchased a crown of gold and thought part of it was silver, what would you do?" Junior : " Take it hack.' .

"Js this, your first appearance in a com t of justice?" asked the Austin recorder of a vagrant. '•' No, judge, it is the last time thus far ; how is it with yourself?"

"Money transferred by telegraph," is on a sign up in the telegraph oiiiee. It appears that a man cannot get rid of his liionoy fast enough by mail, or by the ordinary insans of separation.

The Memphis Avalanche charges the poverty of Tenncsse to whisky and dogs, and the people have become so stirred up on the matter that public opinion is now largely in favour of the total abolition of dogs.

"If it were customary in this country to confer titles upon individuals of rank in literature," asked a shallow but conceited journalist of an old one, " what would I be?" " Barren of ideas, my son," was the response.

Unanswurabls Query — flcrman clockmaker : " i'aas, it is drue dot some of inciu countrymen drink inoch bier ; but he is not stroiiL', dot bier, and does nod make dem drunk." British workman: "No? Then what the dooce is the use o' them adrinkin' of it?"

"Boy," said a stranger to a lad who was blacking his boots in front of a hotel yesterday, " if I should give you a dollar would your first impulse be to go to the circus ?"

"No, sir," was the prompt reply. "My first impulse would be that it was a counterfeit bill."

First Farmer : " In that thcer young Cockney 1,1(1 yew got staying wi' ye ony better?" .Second Fanner: " Noa, noa. l'oor lad ! Fso fear he wun't get better at all." First Farmer: " Dear, dear! I'm sorry ; but sifter all, this be a noico healthy part o' the country to be buried in."

A .Brooklyn boy wrote a composition on the subject of the Quakers, whom he described as a sect who never quarrelled, never got into a tight, never clawed each other, am! never jawed back. The production contained a postscript in these words : " Pa's a Quaker, but ma isn't."

A young lady who lias distinguished herself at the Cambridge local examination, had just been relating some astounding astronomical facts and figures. Said her cousin, who " never went in for tliat kind of tiling, you know," " 1 see how one can find out how large and how far away the stars are ; but 1 don't quite see how they ever found out their names !"

A Scandal That Drew : Says the Boston Courier — The venerable clergyman arose slowly in the pulpit, and glancing around on the thinly-ecattcred congregation, said in an emphatic tone, in which there was more of sorrow than of anger, "Mybeloved brethren, 1 am in hopes that there will be more present next Sabbath, as 1 will then have occasion to reveal a scandal which has long oppressed my heart. It concerns the members of tins church very deeply, and no one who has a regard for eternal happiness should be absent." When the benediction was pronounced the handful of people slowly dispersed, but behold how much good seed a few can seattor ! The next Sunday the sacred edifice was packed. There was, indeed, hardly breathing room when the white-haired sage onee more lifted his head above the pulpit cushions, and a silence as of death fell upon the expectant throng, lie stood a moment looking upon, the unwonted scene, and then his voice in silvery cadence broke the hush of expectation. " Dear friends," lie s.iid, "the scandal I would reveal is this—you will gather in this place in crowds to hear mischievous gossip, but will not listen to the explanations of the inspired word. Mow, my children, I offer my resignation. I am going to Europe for six months, and I shall pay my own expenses." But no one of the vast multitude took the lesson to himself ; he applied it to his neighbour.