ASMODEUS EASYCHAIRETH AND MEDITATETH.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVII, Issue 5758, 1 May 1880, Page 6

ASMODEUS EASYCHAIRETH AND MEDITATETH.

'■ No. 8. . "If he has freedom ia his ihcnjhL :~And'la hi* thought, is free— Asmoctotu Li content, at home. To meditate for toee." —Lovxlacb (contideralty altered), Asmodeus having, after a protracted inter, val of private intercommunion, said "goodbye" to the party, by name of'Morphens (whom he left tenderly embracing him ia the last mental coruscations that he vouchsafed to the awaiting pnblic), resumed his perusal of the golden columns of the " fourth estate." And here he will digress a little, and give his feasons for using that above, mentioned word "golden." Ko sound is heard, save the crisp crackle of the paper aa we rapidly run our eyes d6wn the various omnium, gatheruma garnered in its colamna and containing something to suit every taste, from frying pans to metempsychosis - yet, consider for a single moment, what a mass of intelligence we obtain ; and what a rush of thought we unconsciously evolved from every item that we peruse therein. This, Asmodeus takes to be an illustration of the saying "Speech is silvern; bat silence is goldenand that is why h» applies that word-to the silent, yet eloquent columns hereinbefore mentioned.

To return. Asmodeus again resumed his perusal of that concentrated conglomeration of many minds, and many hands, called a newspaper. Glancing along the various "pars," with that loctometrical power peculiar to him, which enabled him" to skim off all the cream, to the utter -rejection of all milk-and watery effusions in the literary line, he came upon two more extracts froin that exquisitely tender and gentlemanlilj worded publication, the Dxirutdin Tabid. The first extract gave the manifest of the missionary ship, John Williams, which cleared out from Sydney, for the South Seas, with a miscellaneous cargo, among which were " 1 case wine,; 1 case port, 2 casts al e and stout, 1 case schnapps, 5 cases wine, 65 caskß stout, 25 cases c!aret, 25 casks whiskey and 65 cases beer." In his peculiarly Milesian nianner, the Editor jamp3 to the conclusion, and boldly asserts, that the contents of the above imbibatory schedule were bought and paid for with the pennies of the Sunday, school children. " Asmodeus " would wish to remind this Editor of three or four things that 1 he seems to have overlooked : firstly, if it is wrongful for mirsionaries to " look upon the wine, when it is red,".'what about the olden times, when every- monastery or monkery had its cellars teeming over with everything known to our forefathers in the liquid refreshment line ; secondly, he wonld remind the Tablet that the whole tote of the abovemntioned liquid manifest of the John Williams would barely satisfy a few days' consumption of one of tnese monastries, if history tells the truth ; and thirdly, he would point out that the amount of liquor mentioned has to go to twenty different places, and to last for at least six months ; and a very simple snm in arithmetic, worked ont from these two factors, would give a most infinitesimal amount for each day*s consumption dnring that period in each of those twenty places. Furthermore, the editor, saith that " vro had already learned, from the experiences of the Rev. George Browne, that the meekness of the dove was their portion, and now, informed by the cargo of the John Williams, we find it united with the wisdom of the serpent." Ah, dear Editor of the Tablet, play not too freely with edged weapons! Oh, editorial kettle, call not other pots black ! Throw not stone 3at others whilst thou livest in the thinnest of glass houses . -hyself. Talk not of the meekness of the dove, in view of the powers that t'aon arro- . gatesttothedispensers of thy owutcligionind their former acts of lamblike meekness when they were in power. Talk not of tie wisdom of the serpent in.othera, seeing that it is the avowed profession and the • greatest glory of those who inspire thy articles to be considered au fait in that aforesaid wisdom, and from the exhibition of which wisdom we derive the word " Jesuitical."

Take the advice of "Asmodeus," 0 my delectable friend! Stir not up mnddy waters ; for, whilst thou dealest in insinuation and asssrtion without proof towards others, remember that tho3e others have record and history to fall back upon and refer to, and therewith to smite thee hip and thigh. With regard to the second paragraph, from the same paper, " Asmodeus" will say nothing. It is an attack on the Presbyterians ; and he is perfectly convinced that that body, with its hard-headed, matter-of-fact, canny-Scotism, and its rugged tendency to call a spade a spade, and make no bones about it, can very well take care o£ itself in these matters. " Asmodeus " then glanced over the births, marriages, and deaths. There was one birth and one marriage, but no deaths. The first he dismissed with the passing thought, " Would the infant just born be allowed to grow up ignorant ot the red (that potent agent of moral and physical suasion), and therefore an irrevocable larrikin, and as a curse or nuisance to his or her kind. To the second he unconsciously hummed, "One more nnfortnnate gone to his death," and then branched off into the philosophy of matrimony. Some irreverent fellow has defined matrimony a3 "an insane •desire to pay for another person's hoard and lodging but tbis is too material a view of the case. Matrimony is a companionship for life, and where the pair' are Bnited to each other it is indeed a sweet and refreshing companionship; but, on the other hand, where they are not suited, it is indeed a galling chain, poisoning life from beginning to end for both. "Asmodeus " remembers, once upon a time, watching two goats chained together. One would see a succulent tuft of grass, or a flower, and stretch toward! it; the other would obstinately resist the fancied coercion, and pull the other way. One would wish to climb up a bit of a brae for the purpose of browsing on the tffigs there ; the otner would go in and oat among the bushes, till they were so hopelessly entangled as to he unable to advaEce or retire, to lie down or to eat. Sometimes the weaker one would strain every nerve to go in a particular direction, and then the other would put forth its strength, and haul its companion along .vietarmis, hurting and bruising both by the chain and collars. This offers an esw' paralleliism to an ill-assorted pair, chained matrimonially together for evermore. Hoff can " Asmodeus " say to these goats, " On, fools, can't ye see that if ye would only agree together to go unitedly, ye might trot along with peace and comfort, each helpfflS the other, and each enjoying its particular fancy in turn." How can he say that to these foolish beasties, when reason equipped, man and women so often do just the same thing all their lives. H ere such a digressive throng of thought on the subject came in, that " Asmodeus lost all chronicle of his meditations ; but at I last he found himself humming the words oi the poet— Xovrt rules the court, the camp, the urove, For love is heaves, and heaven is love. But instead of the word "love," hefowm that he had substituted the word " go'd> making it read thusly :— . Gold rales the court, the camp, the grove, For gold buys all things, even loye> "Nay, nay," said he, correcting himself, "gold cannot buy love; albeit it can buy any amount of the semblance of love, ychicii often passes muster for the genuine article ic these days of wholesale pmchbeckism. "And," continued he, " O ! man or womani who have taken that pinchbeck for the goli of true love, may Heaven in its mercy keep you blind to that pinchbeckism after ye are hopelessly rivetted together for the term o» the natural existence of one of yoa. So mote it be. " Uneasy lies the head that we* ls a crown." So said Shakespeare ago. Its modern parallelism mftj found in the concluding remark ot "Asmodeus," as he rose from his ea3y chair and proceeded to exchange meditation for actuality. He said, " Uneasy are the nether limbs of him who sitteth too long, even on the easiest of chairs." At least; snch were the feelings of Asmodets.