ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVI, Issue 5490, 21 June 1879, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

A prosperous merchant has for his motto : " Early to bed and early to rise; neTer get tight and advertise." A new way to fight a duel. Let each of the combatants swallow a dose of poison, and then tosn np for an emetic. There is very little difference between a man who seen a ghost and one who swallows a bad oyster, so far as looks are concerned. Philosophers tell ns never to be in ahnrry —except when catching a flea. In that case you have to be in a hurry, because the ilea usually is. A boy at sbool, on being asked to describe a kitten, said, " A kitten is remarkable for rushing like mad at nothing whatever, and stopping before it gets there." A young lady ate half a wedding-cake, and then tried to dream of her future husband. Now Bhe says she would ratb»r die than marry the man she saw in that dream. If a man poisons a woman, it is murder in the first degree. If a woman poisons a man, it is murder in the second degree. And yet women keep clamouring for more rights. One of the greatest feats of woman's endurance, is when the female with the diamond ring wipes her mouth 3,000 times in 3,000 quarter-hours without complaining of the least fatigue. Tongue cannot tell the words or express the astonishment of the crippled soldier in Connecticut who awoke to find his wife was using his wooden leg to pound the beefsteak for breakfast. Schoolmistress (just beginning a nice improving lesson upon minerals, to the juniors): " Now, what are the principal things wo get out of the earth ?" Youthful Angler (aged four, confidently): " Worms." A Syracuse schoolmistress thought to puzzle her juvenile class, and asked them where all the pins go. A little boy replied that all the other boys bent 'em, and laid 'em on the seats, bnt he didn't want to tell where they went.

What science has as yet failed to explain is how the consumptive beggar, whose placard states he is dying from tbe combined effecta of six small children and the loss of his left lung, can sit on the corner all day in the rain, and get fat doing it. When a woman wishes tooutanotheron the street, she puts on a stare that is straighter aud more unflinching than of a headlight on a locomotive. But this is nothing compared with the way she looks ahead liken she enters the cabin of a ferryboat, and sees that handsome big mirror just opposite. Dootor (to spouse of sick Hibernian} : " But how about the leeches I ordered, Sirs. o'Flaherty 1" Intelligent Descendant of the Kings of Ireland : " Sure, sorr, I gave them to him, sorr. Ye didn't send mo no wordhow, sorr, so oi biled them in butther, sorr, an' he wouldn't swaller only two of 'em, doc« ther, avick I" Country Parson (who is taking the views of his congregation regarding the introduction of an organ) to an elderly parishioner: " Well, Donald, are you iu favour of an organ?" Donald (tartly) : "No!" Country Parson: "Then you <!on't admire instrumental music, Donald ?" Donald (severely): " If ye wull haaf music in the kirk, let it be the bagpipes." A young lady was sitting with a gallant captain in a charmingly-decorated recess. On lior knee was a diminutive niece, placed there pour les convenances. In the adjoining room, with the door open, wero the rest of the company. Says the little niece, in a jealous and very audible voice, "Auntie, kisß me too." I leave you to imagine what had just happened. "You should aay twice, Ethel, dear ; two is not grammer," was the immediate rejoinder ! Clever girl that! In a jovial company each asked a question. If it was answered the questioner had to pay a forfeit; or, if he could not answer it himself, he paid a forfeit. An Irishman's question was, " How does the little ground squirrel dig his hole without showing any dirt about the entrance ?" When the rest all gave it up, Pafc said, " Sure do you sec, he begins at the other end of the hole." One of tho rest exclaimed, "But how does ho get there?" " Ah," said Pat, " that's your question; can you answer it yourself ?" When Burns was lirst invited to dine at Dunlop House, a west country dame, who acted as house keeper, appeared to doubt the propriety of her mistress entertaining a mere ploughman who made ryhmes, as if he were a gentleman of old descent. By way of convincing her of the bard's right to such a distinction, Mrs. Dunlop gave her the " Cotter's Saturday Night" to read. This she soon did, and, returning the volume with a strong shake of the head, Baid, " Nae doubt ladies and gentlemen think muckle o' this, but for me it's naething but what I saw i' my father's house every day, and I dinna see how he could hae told it ony other way."

A contemporary has this tragedy of T'a. The thunder threatened, the tempest tossed the trees, throwing their trembling trunklets topsy-turvy. Tripping towards the town, Theresa thought, ".Tonight Theodore treads the tiresome thoroughfares, thinking that " Thud ! The terrified truant turned to trace the threatening turmoil. There towards the toll-gate tramped Theodore, trying to throttle two thieves. " Take to the timber, Theresa !" thundered Theodore. "Tell that to timid things," thought Theresa, treading tiger-like towards the trio. Then, telling Theedore to throw the taller thief, Theresa, taking t'other's toga, tied through the thickness the thief's throat. Thus terminated the terrible troubles that threatened the twain. They turned triumphantly to the town to tell the tale. To-morrow ties them together ! In a school, the teacher of which rather prided himßclf upon his Bkill in imparting to bis pupils a correct knowledge of spelling, upon a certain examination-day, when the trustees and parents were in attendance to hear the exercises, the whole school was put through a course of spelling. The word "Aaron " was given out by a visitor. After numerous comical attuptr to spell it, it was correctly rendered by a little girl, who shouted out, "Big A, little a-r-o-n—Aaron." For afewminutei all went gaily as a marriagebell, every word being spelt correctly. At last some one gave out the word " Gallery." This was rather a*' poser," being out of the regular track of words spelt in the classes. Many unsuccessful attempts having been made, by-and-by a rough urchin, whose eyea fairly twinkled with the expected triumph, spoke oat in clear, ringing accents, mindful of the previous victor, " Big Gal, little gal-e-r-y—gallery !" This effort closed the exercises in spelling.

SOUL STRUGGLES. Tho mythic tale of SUyphus* stone— A heathen fable though it m:iy be— Hath yet deep moaning throughout its tone ; Sad is that meaning to me. Sisyphus, doomed for ever to push A huge round stone up a huge round hill; And ever, that stone would downward rush. In spite of his utmost skill. Ever anew would begin his task— "With liiuhj all weary, and pautings deep, A moment's rest is all he doth ask — A moment for rest and sleep. He asks in vain. For ever, that stone, That huge round stone, up the huge round hill, With quivering limbs and with heaving groan, He must ever and aye roll still. And when, with fearfiil labour, at last lie neard the top, and with gasping sigh, Seeing the end of his task, Hope's spark Illumines his deep-sunk eye. The huge round stone, from his upward push, Would slip, and dewn, with furious bound, Like the thundering avalanche rush, • Would roll to the hill-foot ground. Doth it not picture the state of nvui— *:: r Earth-clod body and heavenly soul— The soul, in spite of its body ban, Trying to roach its goal? Ever and ave, it neareth tho lisrlit. Heaving its earth-clod body along;. Heaven's effulgence beams on its sight So pure, so clear, and so Btrong. Then, to tho soul, despairing and sad, Hopo's scintillations glitter around; She stretches her arms, joyous and glad, Tho end of her task is f ouud. Then, back tho earth-clod body dotli roll, Drawing her down by adamant chain ; And sad, despairing;, tho poor, poor soul h her task again. Doir Lord ! that millions of weary men Aro alt engaged on this weary task— 0 riie, iu Thy power, and ond it. Then Our souls in Thy rest shall bask. Auckland. Awrkb SJUBT&