ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVI, Issue 5364, 25 January 1879, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

" There wa°n't a paloon keeper in the State that didn't ache to trust him," is the touching tribute to a dead Nevada man. When a wealthy Jap breaks up housekeeping, he Bhips his kitchen furniture to England, to be sold as " rare curiosities from Japan." A young man waß seen lately at Aberdeen with two heads 011 his shoulders. It was not a curiosity, as one belonged to his Highland lassie. The Rev. Dr. Martineau says that in one of the scenes of a German play Adam is represented as running across the stage on his way to the Ga-den of Eden to be created. Saxon tourist: "I suppose the English buy up all the pigs that you wish to sell ?" Irish peasant: "They do; bad luck to 'em, the toira nts!" Scandalous remark by the Cincinnati Breakfast Table—"The phonograph will probably be culled a ' she,' because it repeats everything." The woman who can dresa better thau her neighbours will always be willing to d* fend them from aspersions and forgive what they may say about her. "There's 110 place like home"—unless it's some nice girl's home, when the old folks are at class meetiug, and the match-box is empty. "Mippose I should work myself up to the interrogation point ?" said a bean to his sweet-

heart. "I should respond with exclamation," was the prompt reply. A man was sitting for liis photograph. The operator said, " Now, sir, look kind o* ph asant. Smilealittle." The man smiled, and then the operat -r exclaimed, " Oh, that will never do—it's too wide for the instrument." A Mi.sehadlf. Man* —You may talk about the " K\an and hungry Cas?iu3," but did you ever take a side view of the man who has 1 un a store for 1.0 year- without advertisingV— BrookrMfc D< mocral. SH'KiFin:.- " Who'll be the last man on earth V' is the sudden inquiry by a Boston paper. Well, if no one else will acc-pt—if our count'y calls—if—but you probably see the drift.—Detroit Frcc Press. Two ladies created a tcnaation af the E'on and Harrow cricket match at London a short time ng> by walking about in white satin costumes, covered with white lace, the sho-t petticoats revealing intensely black silk wt-n.'L inos. , Ls- sL T noKr*.j n'ation. — Lnglish diner (suspiciously) : "And do you stick to the teetotal principles, waiter?" Waiter :" In business yes, sir, always, sir ! in business lam subordinate to my principles ; but out of business, sir, it's different —my principles are subordinate to me."

.Steppin:,' in tn a lager beer saloon which was swarming with llics, on Saturday, a cus t"inur aiki-il tlio proprietor why ho did nnt get some lly pap. r atul catch the iiiM-cts Mi!) reply was, " Veil, you sec, ven I gets dot bap-r aiul puts it on dor gounter dey .-[ihile it ill fife minutes." By llooiv ok uY Cuook. —The origin of the old phrase " by hook or bv crook" is paid to be traceable to two English judges, named respectively Uuok and Crook, who ll turisi.ed in the early part of the sixteenth century. These worthies were so remark able for the diversity of their opinions as to give r ' 3e to the above phrase. GItATIKYINii. — Young person (applying for h"Usein:iid's place, where a footman is Uep', objected to jhildren, ivas engaged to, and, visited by, a most 'special young man of the 'O'SG Artilery, and with a fortnight's character from h. r last place, but who altogether does not exactly suit) : " 1 really ham sorry, m'um, for [ rather like your appearance, m'uui !"—Punch. A gentlemau dining at a fashionible hotel, where servants were '• few and far between," despatched a lad among them fur a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and, placing it before the faint and hungry gentlemau,. was afeked, "Are you the lad that tnok away my plate for this beef?" "Yes, sir." " Bless me," nsumed the hungry wit, " how you have grown !" Cap That.—Johnson, od first coming to Pembroke College, Oxford, was poor and hardly able to keep up a decent appearance. An acquaintance, meeting him one day, observed, " Why, Johnson, your shoes are ' capped !' " " Capped answered Johnson, j promptly; "well, and why shouldn't they | be? —aren't they fellows ?" A Tennessee Dutchman having caught his son in wrong-doing, determined to administer a dose of liijkory. So he trimmed a switch, and went to look for the youngster, who incontinently took to his heels. A fter chasing the boy around for a while, the old mac thought to persuade him to stop and take the licking. So he halted and hailed the wary fugitive. " Shcn, " said he, " shall, slitop ! I'm not so mad as vat X vash !" In Armenia the married sons live in the house of their parents, but the law of the Armenian church forbids the mother-in-law to say a single word to her daughter-in-law during the iirßt four years of her marriage. Tho young woman sita dumb and motionless the whole day in a corui r of the r.iom nurcing her hands. It mu3t be just lovely-two tongues silent and no ptotcxt for a quarrel. The youug wife gees to church five times a day, and this is tho only variety iu her sedentary life. An instance is given of a mother-in-law who has kept her tonguo from wagging at her daughter-in-law for six years —two years over timo—just bccausc the latter had brought no increase in the family. Little Tjiinus.—" Why, my dear, what is the matter? What can you mean? You louk »o depressed. It cannot be— and yet— oh, relieve this killing suspense. Alexander, have yon failed ?" said his wife, with clasped hands. " No, my dear, my credit is yet unimpaired, and business is looking up." "You can't mean to say, dear, that your old pain in the head has como back?" .No." " You haven't had to pay tho note for your brother Joseph?" ".No." "Have you— now tell ine, Alexander Biillack—-have you had another attack of vertigo?" "No.' , " Now I know—l expected it—l knew it all the time—l felt sure it would be so. Mr . Debonair has asked for Seraphina ? ' " No, nothing of the kind." " TUen tell me, without \\ aiting another minute, what has hap--1 pened. 1 can bear it. Let me know tht ' worst." " Well, that button 1 told you aboul has got tired of hanging on by one thread, : and here it is." A correspondent of the Louisville Coitrii')' Journal ran across Joaquin Miller, "Tin Poet of the Sierras," in Isew York city, and ; accompanying him to his "den," there interviewed him. The coi respondent writes > "Yes," continued Miller, noticing that ' was looking intently at tho portrait of ; beautiful spirituello woman hanging jus ' over his table, upon which were a thousan' 1 odds and ends of " proof " and manuscript ' "Yes, Biz, that's her—you don't know her > Very few do, my b.iy. It's my ' One Fa 1 Woman.' She's there every minute of th< day or night, for ever looking down into m; 1 eyes, whether they are weary or glad. Shi 3 can't help it." Afterwards learned that tin "One Fair Woman" about whom there ha ; been so muoh said and so little kuown, i 2 Misa Antoinette Polk, niece of Presiaen ' Polk, and that Miller met her in Rome,