JOSH BILLINGS IN TIGHT BOOTS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume VIII, Issue 2224, 13 March 1871, Page 3

JOSH BILLINGS IN TIGHT BOOTS.

I won 1) jist like tew kno who the man was who fust invented tilt butts .' If he still Uvc3 i hope he has repented ov hiz sin or iz enjoying grate agony ov sura kind. You kan't git an average on the pinch ov a tit.e boot,, enny more than yu kan on the bite of a lobster. Enny man who kan wear a pair of tite butes, and be humble and penitent, and net indulge in profane litemtoor, will make a. good busband. lie will do more l.'.ian that; he will do to divide up into several fust klass husbands, and be made to answer for a whole naberhood. Oh! for the pen ov departed Win. Shalespear to write an anathema againsr, lite butes, that would make aushunt Rome wake up and howl again, az she did onee before on a previous ockashun.

Oh! for the strengh ov H>rkule3, to tare into sbu strings all the tite butes ov crcashun, and scatter them to the 4 winds ov heveu. Ok ! for the buty ov "Venus, resv make a big foot look htmsurn without a tite bute on it. Oh ! for t:ie pashuuee ov Job the Apostle, to miss a tite bute and bless it, and oven p'ra forona a size smaller and more pinchful. Oh ! for a pair ov tite butes big enuu'for the foot ov a mountain. I have bin led into the above coHeesinin ov " Oil's" from having in mi p.tssesshmi, at this moment, a p ;ir ov number 9 butes with a pair ov number 11 feet in them Hi feet are as a dog's nose the fust time he wears a muzzle. I think mi feet will eventually choke the butes to deth. I supposed i hail lived long enuff not to be phooled again in this way, but i hav found that an ounce ov vanity weighs more than a puund ov reas.Mi, espeshily when a man mistakes a big foot fora small one.

Avoid tite butes, ray friend, az yu would t!io grip ov the devil, for meuny ;i man iiaz caught for life a first-rate liubit ov swearing by encouraging Liz feet to hurt hiz butes. I have promised mi two feet, at least a doz-;n ov lim-s dun'ii mi dieckured I;to, that they never should be strangled again, but I Qnd them to-day as full of pain 3 az the stuuimick ake, from a sudden attack of tifce butes.

But this iz sobmnly the last pair ov tite butes I will ever wear ; i will hereafter wear butes az big az my feet, if i have to go barefoot to do it. lam too old and two respectable to be a pliool enny more. Easy butes is one ov the luxuries ov life, but I t'jrgit what the other luxury iz, but i don't kno as i care, provided i can git rid ov this ov tite butes.

Enny man kan have them for seven clollar3, jist half what they kost, and if they dont make his feet ake wuss than an angle worm in hot ashes ho needn't pay for them. Methuselas iz the only man that i kan call to mind now who eouid have allbrded to have wore tite butes and enjoyed them ; he had a great deal of time to be miserable in, but life now days iz short, and 100 full or alctual bi7.zr.es3 to phool away onny ov it on tite butes Xite butes are an insaull to enny man's understanding. He who wears tite bute 3 will have to acknowledge the korn. Tite butes have no bowls of mersy, their inside ire wrath and promi9kiou3 kussin^. Beware of tite butes.