Concerning the Military Ballot.

Free Lance, Volume XVII, Issue 915, 25 January 1918, Page 16

Concerning the Military Ballot.

Storeman Dooley, Philosopher.

nnHE following clever skit, embodj- -*- ing a lot of local hits, is from the "New Zealand Railway Officers' Advocate." In order to appreciate the points, the following key may be referred to : — Col Ma'chiavelli, Col. McVilly (Assistant General Manager of Railways); Major Simple, Capt. Baldwin; Sir James Castle, Sir James Carroll; Mr. Old Mr. Young, President R. 0.1.; Mr Hamstrung, Mr. Hampton, A.S.R.S.; "The Secretary Mr. MoGovern; Willie, Mr. Ridler, Staff Clerk. "This war is a terrible thing," said Mr. Hennessey. . "Where have I heard thim wurruds befure?" said Mr. Dooley with a start. "Jawn, there is no doubt ye have the .gift f'r shtrikin' an' original speech; where do ye get thim lllummatin' thoughts from?" . "Well," rejoined Hennessey, it is a terrible thing, an' I can only hope that we as a Department is, raly cloin our full part." , "Don't ye worry about that, Jawn," said the Sage; "thim questions is in capable hands. Why! did we not take off the suburban train to Puketewhino, thereby releasin' two tablet portlier s an' an acting dhriver, all of whom was subsequently found medically onfit an' has now resumed their forrmer ocypations? Has not several pronouneemints been made by Colonel Machiavelli, each wan more bewildenn than th' last ? Has not some hundhreds ay miii sufferin' fr'm various bodily defects been placed at th' command av the milithry? Has not Kelly an' the other man been accepted f'r active service, an' also wan av thim classified C 4 Class E Rate-aii'-a-half? What more can we do?" "Well," said Mr. Hennessey, "'tis th' sight av the fine young men wurrukin' typewriters an' collectin' tickets that I was thinking av." "Thinking?" queried Mr. Dooley. "Who told ye to think—what part av y'r duty is thinking? Don't ye know that thought is not only dangerous but oncalled f'r? Don't ye know that m this matther the thing is settled by thim in authority at wan bio? —an they're the boys to blow! Let me ex-' plain to y'r infant mind how 'tis done; I have th , details on th' highest authority. . " 'Tis a Monday morning, an the scene is set in th' privit office av' Colonel Machiavelli a spot known to manny men as a vital centre av keepin' things moving. At wan end of th table, is a highly thrained secrethry; beside him ocypying th' head av the table is th' Colonel. Further down is Major Simple, military representative av th' Service Boord, seated befure a .portfolio av papers; opposite to him is Mr. Hamstrung, av the A.S.R.S., and Mr. James Old, representin' th' Officers' Institute. Both th' latther gmtlemen wear bewildhered looks an' weird expectancy. Th' table is covered with a green cloth an' several strange implements is visible upon it. On the walls are th' various certificates av the Colonel neatly framed. In two> av th' spacious corners av th' room is two large punchin' bags, labelled respectively 'R. 0.1.,' and 'A.S.R.S.' Both av these show signs av harrd wear especially th' former. " 'Now, gintlemen,' says the Colonel, 'th' throuble is about to commence; I want •Vβ to watch me carefully, so. you can be""sure that this is th' fairest game on th' coorse. I suppose ye know something of warfare, Major?' he says, addressing; Major Simple. " "I have passed an examination in tactics,' says th' Major. " 'Have ye!' says th' Colonel. 'Well, what I am" about to show ye is higher than tactics: it is shtrategy, Major. You watch carefully, Willie,' he says to his secrethry, 'where is y'r list?' says he. " 'Here, sir,' says the secrethry. "'H'm!' says the Colonel, looking at it suspiciously. 'It hasn't got Billings an' McGowan on it, has it?' he says. "'No, sir, av coorse not!' says the "'Well', what is th' first name?' says th' Colonel. "" 'Jawn Smith, porther,' says the secrethry. " 'What is th' matther with him ?' asks th' Colonel. " 'He has lost two toes on one foot an' has asthma, , replies Willie. "'Good,' says th' Colonel. 'Now, gintleman, watch me,' he says. 'Ye see these three thimbles?' he says, takin' them in his hands. 'Well, I roll up this piece of paper, on which is written th' name av Jawn Smith, whom I know well—lie is a son of old Smith, he says. 'I roll th' paper into a pea, an' you will observe that I place

wan av tli , thimbles over it,' he says; 'an',' he says, 'I invite you, Major,'to guess which thimble it is under. If ye arre right,' he says, 'I hand this cripp——- I mean this recruit, over to tli' Difince Department. If ye arre not right he is deferred to a later ballot,' he says. 'Do ye follow me, Major ?' " 'Yes,' says the Major; 'he is under th' middle wan,' says he. " 'Right ye arre, Major,' says th' Colonel. 'Ye beat me that time,' he says. 'I congratulate you!' says he. " 'Do you agree with tli' method av th' Ballot ' lie asks, turning to Messrs. Hamstrung and Old. " 'It is a good scheme,' says Mr. Hamstrung. " 'I wanst was Young, but now am Old, but nivver have I seen anything more mastherly,' says tli' representative av the. 1t.0.1. 'I congratulate ye, Colonel, upon another monnymental example av y'r invintive janyus,' he says. " 'But, 5 objects Major Simple, it seems to me that tli , procedure is greatly in favour av th' Railway Department., " 'Major,' says th 5 Colonel solemnly, 'let me tell ye at wanst that it is not only me jooty but me delight to see that four aces an' a king is held by the Department in anny game it sits down to,' he says. 'Thin/ he says impressively, 'I do not mind the royal flush av rage which so frequintly karraekterises tli' countenances av me adversaries,' says he. 'Let me tell you, Major,' he adds, 'that, speakin' wid due humility, I am a man wid a punch in each hand, an' also wan up me sleeve. I shine most in th' clinches,' he says, 'an' I can deliver a stronger upper-cut,' he says, 'than anny spoortsman now in th' game. Is it not so?' he asks, turning to Mr. Ha-m----strung and Mr. Old. " 'It is but.too true, sir, says Mr. Old promptly. " 'Ye greatly understate th' facks, , says Mr. Hamstrung,. "'D'ye hear that, Major?' asks th . Colonel j, an' he proceeds with th' ballot, which closes at 11 a.m. with wan hundhred recruits f'r th' Medical Board to deliver clinical lectures to young practitioners upon. Whin they assimbled f'r medical examination 'twas thought as they limped along the street coughing that they was an indignation dippytatioii fr'm th' Cambridge Sanatorium to th' Health Department. Binnivolent an' sympathetic citizens along th' route rang up f'r th' St. John Ambylance Brigade,

an' maimy kind-hearted ladies was moved to tears. As they passed th' Oxj'dental their appearance so moved th' kind heart av Sir James Castle that he halted thim f'r refreshments; an' he sighed wid compassion as they gave a tuberculous cough an' got on their spavined limbs on th' long, long trail a gen. "As I mintioned befure, Kelly an' th' other man was passed f'r active service, an' wan other is saving his precarious life in th' C 4 camp, classified Class E. (minimum five hundhred. weight). I may close my imprissionistic sketch," said the Oracle magnificently, "av th' inchoate proceedings av" th' Departmintal Ballot be quotin' th' historic wurruds av th' Colonel on the subjick: " 'Let me tell ye, Major,' he says, 'that me watchwurrud on this matther is taken fr'm the Good Book,' he says. 'Manny is called.' he says, but few is chosen*.' says he; 'an,' he says, '.'tis thrue!' says he." '~.. ■ "Well," says Mr.. Hennessey, with deep conviction, "I do not believe we are doing all we might." "Gowan wid ye!" says Mr. Dooley; "gowan, Jawn! Lave it to th' Colonel. He is an old player, an' I bet he is but keeping, something up his sleeve f'r th' last thrick!" .