Entre Noys.

Free Lance, Volume X, Issue 500, 29 January 1910, Page 12

Entre Noys.

WHO is the Wellington surveyor who recently told an Auckland audience that "he was perfectly satisfied that within the next ten years the seat of Government will be shifted to Auckland" ? Wellington is prepared to put a reward om his head. The statement was made at the> recent annual meeting of the Ivew Zealand Institute of Surveyors. But we; have not heard of amy serious- decline in Wellington land values or property stocks generally as a consequence of the surveyor's opinion. * *• * •Wellington respectfully lifts its hat to Timaru, and hands over the palm, the bun, the biscuit, cake, or vhatever trophies may be due to the windiest city in the Dominion. We did pride ourselves here in. Wellington on being able to work up a good blow, too! But Timaru appears to have "outed" us in one hit. The focal "Herald" states that the wind was so strong down there last Thursday afternoon that it became responsible for a very painful accident. The fourteen-year-old daughter of a railway crossing keeper was riding her bicycle along one of the streets when an extra boisterous "puff" hoisted her. and her machine completely over the ting fentoe protecting the trees in the centre ; of • the road way. • The girl fainted, aid a doctor, who was sumfound that, in addition to sustaining a severe shock, her arm was broken in/ two places. We shall have Timaru shifting bodily up to Wellington on the wings of a gale one of these days. » # « A very pronounced inebriate was brought before the magistrates the . '~ J "her morning at a court not a hundred miles ,from our Post Office. He had orossied the bar very early, arid escorted to the. beak ini doublequick time. Being well-known to the police, onie of the officers proceeded to charge him with neglecting his fcur children. In; his tangled condition, the jovial one interjected: "Two' of 'em's orl ri'," he said. ''Which two?" asked the clerk. "Steak and Kidney!' replied the defendant. "What!" exclaimed the astonished magistrate. At this point the defendant's, wife, who had been communicated' with and had' arrived on the scene; provided the explanation that h*r husband had beeru trying to say "Kate and Sidney"! « , * » All .good Scotchmen will be weighed down with sorrow when they read tl at oyer 103,000 persons were charged

with drunkenness and disorder in bonnie Scotland last year. We really '"thought that the English governed Scotland, but evidently it is the Scotch. * * * An amusing story is goinig the rounds of a certain athletic club not far from Lambton Quay concerning two of its members who, whilst not in any way related, are both called—well, say, Juggins. Juggins No. 1 saw in the club letter-rack one day last week a missive bearing his name. He opened it, only to discover that it was an urgent request for money from the tailor of Juggins No. 2. On the advice of hi® fellow-members the letter was speedily re-sealed and returned to its former position inr the rack,' and this was only just accomplished before Juggins No. 2 arrived. The latter, casually _ opening the letter, scanned it hurriedly. Then, conscious of the several pairs of eyes upon him, he raised it to his lips with an indulgent smile. and ~ murmured softly : • Silly little girl 1" * « . » Now and then it happens that a party of Wellington entertainers is organised, to gO' out and give an entertainment at the Porirua M-ental Hospital. Such _ an entertainment was arranged quite recently, and they had what might be termed a fairly entertainmerit. There was one Wellington tenor singer, however (an amateur), who caused no end of merriment by his efforts to> reach top notes. His antics and facial expressions were something to be remembered. When he had finished one of his songs_ an. old lady inmate was heard to exclaim: ''And to> think that I'm in arid he's out!" And that Wellington tenor is now .getting the time, of his life. • « : # A word or two about Stop Island, which the Waikare was beached. It was hitherto practically unknown. At one time,, however, it had quite an important significance to the early settlers. Stop Island was the only island in Dusky Sound free from rats, and therefore it was exclusively used as a provision depot. Stop Island really cam© by its name from its exemption from rats. The principle of the naime was the "Stop Thief!" idea, as applicable to these rodent marauders. •» » « Artemus Ward tells in one_ of his books of a musician who was hired to play suitable music while scenes from the "Life of Christ" were being si:-own through the States. The musician allowed himself to be guided solely by the appearance of the pictures, hence the trouble that when Christ's triumphant entry into Jerusalem was thrown on the screen the musician played "When Johnnie Comes Marching Home Again," and got deeper into the mire the farther he went. « •» a A pianist at Masterton appears _ to have put up an equally inappropriate performance the other day. He was hired to provide suitable music at a picture show, and,, from the quarrels

that haye followed between him and the management, there , seems to> be a diversity of opinion- on the subject of "suitable music." At this particular cinematograph show a picture entitled "Military Manoeuvres" was displayed. and at the section, "Arrival of the Governor." the pianist dashed into thei well-known air from "The Belle of New York"-—"Of course you can, never be like us!" At another theatre the weepy "East Lynne" was the attraction, and during little Willie's death-scene the genius at the piano glided into the soft strains of "Swing Me Higher, Gbadiah!" '* * « _ And once more the motorist. This time Greytown wakes up, and the excitement is "all about a dog." The local jjaper complains in last Thursday's issue that _ "Yesterday a valuable cow. belonging to : Mr; C. W. Henry, was run, over and killed by a car going at anything up to forty miles an hour." Then, the paper remarks that: "If this sort of thing. is to be allowed to continue we will be suddenly wakened up. with a ghastly ti agedy!" The possibility of some farmer's pig, or even of two dogs, i o\ag done to death in Greytoiwni is a tragedy too awfully ghastly to_ conte labiate. But the local Council are going to provide the inhabitants of peaceful Greytown with lassoos_ to . .rope in tlie harum-scarum motorists. *■ « . * * ' . A Wellington motorist, who took his holidays up in the Hawke's Bay district, appears to have quit© earned distinction up there, by reason of his regard for the lives of _ people travelling the roads 'of the district on foot or in other vehicles. It was the habit of the Wellingtonian always to carefully regulate the speed of his motorcar wherever there was much traffic, and to a.void causing the drivers of excitable horses any more trouble than could be helped. * * * This seems to have quite_ upset, the Hawke's Bay idea of motoring. t 7-he fixed idea of many in that district is evidently that the public roads are just strips cleared in order that motorists may crack up existing time records. The Wellingtonian's carefulness in this connection became the subject of general satire. On one occasion he was forced to smil© when he overheard the inquiry : "Who is this No. •? He can't be one of us!" ■» » ® It is just possible _ that one of the hardest-worked men in the' community, whew Kitchener comes on the scene, will be the luckless pressman who is sent out to do the camp _ work. _ At any rate, the Australian journalist has had a rough time of it over the Kitchener visit. One of the, brotherhood, in describing his trials and tribulations while on the job. tells a story of ai>tacks from millions of mosquitoes. Also, his search at night for a brigadier for information regarding a particular manoeuvre, during which he encountered guy-ropes l and tent pegs, apparently designed to trip him up.-

One pressman's horse disappeared' for twenty-four hours, and was returned knocked-up and lam© in! ©very leg. Another scribe lost his binoculars. A third, after _ hanging about headquarters until one in the morning, hoping to get news of Kitchener's, movementsfound his hotel closed and barred against him. Being resourceful, he seized a ladder, and climbed to the window of hie room, which heshared with a comrade. After trying in yain to wake his. mate, he crawled' stealthily through the window. But a police trooper, camping, underneath, espied the ladder, and what he supposed was a . burglar. Arousing another constable, they lay in wait for the miscreant. "When the pressman went downstairs to the telenhone, he found himself looking into the gleaming barrel of a revolver. Explanations were forthcoming, and the reporter retired. It's a cheering prospect to the pressman, this coming: of Kitchener. The sly-grog habit seans to hatve advanced wonderfully in God's Own Country as a result of prohibition. Even in places where a man could sit. and drink under his own vine and figtree, it were, the tippler now prefers to imbibe by stealth, and get his' liquor at odd times and in divers manners. As an instance, the Pelorus "Guardian" jumps summarily on the head of a correspondent who- ventured in a veiled fashion to hint that slygrogging was flourishing in that district. « ». • • • Thus said the "Guardian" :—"A correspondent forwards particulars of an alleged sly-grog centre in the Sounds, and threatens to give information to the police if the letter is not published. The letter rests gently m the waste-paper basket, and our friend' will 'follow the copy' if he personally makes such threats. If he has knowledge of a sly-groisscery, and objects toit, his proper course is to inform the police. 1 ' Evidently, the editor down that way is well up in the methods of Squires, Lang, Burns, Johnson, and Co. * e The. shedding of human blood appears to have been very narrowly averted up at Ohakune, oa the Mailt Trunk line. Ohakune is, of : course, the place where some considerable numbers of travellers stop over-night, and break the through journey to Auckland or Wellington. _ bound either way rose: with the milkman. as the saying is. And the milkman rises early in Ohakune. • ' " » • • One morning last week the local milkman rose at sparrow-crow, and made away on his round. On turning the corner of * forty-acre paddock—or a -cowshed-—he was dumbfounded with a stonishment to see the body of a wellknown, townsman _ hanging from a tree. Dropping his can, he lit out for the main street, to rouse - the neighbourhood. The news spread like w3d-

fu-e. or bush-fire, and mien came tearing out froim every bouse armed with keen carving-knives, to out the body down. And the most curious thing was that, as the milkman lagged behind from fright and exhaustion froim his running, he was overtaken by the man whom he had seen hanging on the tree. Said gentleman had got hiimgenuinely disliked, and the townsmen, or some of them, had hanged him :n effigy. But that milkman's heart will never again pass a life insurance doctor's examination. * * * The story comes from a Lance reader in the Hawke's Bay district, and be declares he got it .straight from the f parsotn. A young widow of about thirty-five recently came to the parson and asked bim to put up the banns and in due course marry her to her sweet love, who' was just upon seventy yeans of age. A week before the wedding the parson interviewed the lady as to what hymns they should have at the marriage .service, and during the course of conversation suggested ' 'The s Voice that Bi-eath-ed O'er Eden." She said that that was played out. in any case, was not appropriate, •* * *• . The parson asked her to- choose one, so, .after turning over the pages of the hymn-book for a few ' minutes, she handed the book to the parson, and said: "Please have this hymn . sung. The hymn was : — ' 'Through the night of doubt and sorrow, Onward goes the pilgrim band." * * * Anyone having no further use for his false teeth is requested respectfully to send them right on to the o>ld Men's Home, at Ashburton. The inmates of this charitable institution 'have developed a craze for teeth and are troubling the chairman of the Board, Mr. C. J. Harper, of Christchuxich, about it. Mr. Harper declares that "same of the old. fellows will never be happy until they've tried 'em." Though, he declares they may not use the teeth afterwards. "Yet, what' axe we to do?" asks Mr. Harper, despairingly. It seems to be a case of let us try teeth., and hanig the consequences! ' & Thisr suggests that it isn't even necessary to give your store teeth to these elderly .gentlemen. Any Wellington person who has temporarily put his teeth out of com/mission coruld loan; them out to the. Ashburton old men, and they .might cure some old soul from the longing to actually own a- set. You- see, what Mr. Harper has to face. When! he visits Ashbur-+.->ri, he is waylaid by a company of veterans, .who, leaning upon their staffs, point to their toothless gums, _ and — •well, it ca-n!'t be . a .pleasant situation even for a charitable chairman. Meanwhile, another member _ of the Board hais figured out that it would cost £3000 to fit' out all the inmates with teeth. And there's no sign of & Government £ for £ subsidy on. this business. , ■ _ « ■ . «• ■ The "Observer" wants to _ knoiw "Who is pulling the strings in the Wellington daily paper, offices regarding the Knyvett case?" * 9 *■ The begging, profession appears to have been reduced to a fine art at Home. The following advertisement appeared the other day in a Home paper;— ,f FormeT church beggar willing to give advice, and addresses or charitable persons for a. small consider-, ation." At any rate, the beggars church connection had evidently given him a very brotherly feeling. « * * Consternation was not the name for the excitement which prevailed in atn i up-country theatre a week or _so ag-° when a local joker got .on the job. The young fellow w.as sitting in the_ second front row of the orchestral stalls, and. towards the end of the first act _ he deliberately drew a pistol from his coat poicket .and aimed it at a younig lady actress on the stage. _ Twoj gentlemen made an attempt to seize him, but the young chap, who is very athletic, m an- ■ aged 'to free himself, and pointed the pistol at their heads without sayinig a. word. Some of the women who were near enough to see- what was .going on shrieked, and took to flight, the men lowered their heads in order to' escape the impending danger, while others more courageous hastened to throw themselves on him. Suddenly he turned the pistol towards himself, and held it before his mouth. Great anxiety. Then, placing it between his teeth, he bit a piec.e off. Tt was made of chocolate. o w » A fine, stalwart specimen of the Maori race, and one well-known to a number of people in Wellington, lit up the local horizon one evening last week by stepping off the Manawatu train clad in a brand new flaming Salvation Army jersey. The spectacle was all the' more dazzling and wonderful to his Wellington friends because he had been previously known as a great consumer of waipirau; a wife-hitter, loafer, and general ne'er-do-weel. On

his arrival this time, however. he looked becomingly spruce, and wellpleased with himself. © o « "Hello, Hone!" called one of his friends to him as he made his way up Moleswoirth-street. "Have you taken to the Army now, you old hard-case ? What's the new tack you're, oax now, eh?" But, Hon© looked reproachful. "Oh, no. more hard case me." he said. "You know me before; bad fellow. Always drink te plenty waipirau. beat wahine, earn nothing for my children. Do no good all te; week! Now, all that changed. I drink te ginger-beer .now, good to te missus, work for te kids, and .got this brurry fine football jersey!" * » » This tale reminds us of the ease of another distinguished hard-case up in the back-blocks. He had been a noted swearer, beer absorber. and several other evil thing's. But in due course •he became a- brand plucked from the burning. Some one of the unclassified sects in the bush having turned him. from' the error of his ways, they commissioned him to go about preaching the word. More as an example of what their particular sect could do with a piece of very crude material proba'blv. At any rate, one day am old ■battler friend of his met him on the road and the two of them proceeded to dialogue, thusly:—"What ho, Jim! Taken/ to pneaching now. have you?" "ire's. Bill, I've_ given up the old way, asnd I'm preaching the word." "Well, 'how does it stand you in? What do you i§je<t out of it?" "Oh, I'm doing all right Jim. I ,get ten shillings a week and found!" "What! Ten shillings a week and found! Blasted poor pay. is>n ? t it?" "Well, it's blasted poor preaching they get for it-, Bill!" * » » The pious-minded people in the Tai•hape district could hardly be blamed for losing faith in the power arad potency of prayer. That is. if they, read their local "Daily Times." One day last week the said paper came to light with these two paragraaphs following each other : — "There will be. Church of England seirvioe at the Clifton's boarding-house, Moawharuga. at 2 p.m. on Sunday next." "De&oite vigorous praying, the potato, blight is reported to be making headway at Huntly, there being scarcely a single crop in the district unaffected." e os Where are our health authorities ? Under 'Business Notices" one of _ the dailies announced the other morning: "Fish and chips for sale; in, same hands for years." The statement is frank enough. But it seems time that some change was made.

"Clay Clod" writes : —"Dear Lance, —Just a word or two about one aspect of our railway arrangements here in. the Wellington district. I'm quite satisfied that the. present Minister of Railways is doing his level best to- not only make the railways pay, but also to make them meet the convenience of the travelling public. But I should like to know to what extent he is aware of the practice of guards and ticket collectors on the trains. On the last three occasions on. which I have" travelled down the Manawatu line—all within two months—l ha.ve seen this remarkable thin,g don e <by ticket collectors : The trains coming to town from up country have been well-filled before they reached the suburban,. or even the seaside, area. When, the passengers crowded in at Plhmnerton, . and from Titahi Bay. and again, later from Ehaaidallah, the ticket collectors ordered male passengers and youths out to. stand on the platforms of the carriages in order to accommodate the ladies. * *. ♦ In one. case a native passenger protested, on the grounds that when running through the tunnels he would be suffocated, but he was peremptorily ordered outside. Now. I maintain, that this railway official, and others who haye ordered. passengers outside, are entirely and unpardoinably wrong. On each carriage platform is a notice warning passengers that 'Passengers must not ride on the platform of this cairriage. Those riding on the plat- , form do so at their own 'risk. The [Railway Department accepts no responsibility for any accident which. might occur as a result of passengers so doing.' Now, supposing that Maori had got asphyxiated and rolled off in the tunnel, how would the Railway Department honestly and decently get out of it? Don't you think it's right up to< the Minister to .ask some of the bumptious under-strappers a few wholesome questions about thii3 business ?