Bowls on the Sreen.

Free Lance, Volume X, Issue 499, 22 January 1910, Page 20

Bowls on the Sreen.

' HP% y° u bear that Pat bad jined lip tbe bowiin' club ?'' said Mrs. McSweeney to Mrs. Moloney, over a cup of afternoon tea. "I did not!" answed Mrs. Moloney. "Oh yes. Thei saints, be praised! Me labour on him is bearin' fruit, and I'm gettin' him to* look for higher things than two-up and whiskey poker. But I had [to persuade him. wid me usual diplomatic- tioiacs.. I know be 'can't argue wid me whin his head is bad, so I ink me opportuniiy on© Sunday morain' when ii was wurrus than '■' usual, and I says to Jaiin— " 'Why don't you jine a bowiin 3 club? 5 I says, 'Where you can shpind your Saturday aftheinnoonß on a beau- ". tiful grane in the open air, where you -can mix wid all sorts.' " 'I don't want to, mix wid all sorts,' he says. 'I get enough of thai at boimie!' " 'I don't know pbwat you mane>' I says, 'but. you (majghi let me finish phwat I have to say before you shnap me up before I coimanince,' says.l. 'I was goin' to remark that you mate wid all sorts of inflooinchul mini.' I says; 'lawyers, shop-wadkexs, retired publicans and brewers, mimbers of . Parlyimint. dochters, and money-lind'-hens. 'Tis all the go,' says I. And i>hey tell me that a man is thought nothin 5 of now if he doesn't belong to a bowiin' club. They're that thick that you couldn't throw a shtone from her© to. Kaiwarra widhout hittin 5 one of 'em. 'Tis a game as ould as the hills,' I say®. 'There's a picture in the Art Galiery showin' how William the Conqueror played bowls just before the Battle of Thrafalgar. 5 "CA lot you know about it!' he says. ■"It is Sir Walther Rally that's playin 5 .' he says. 'Whale he's waitm 5 for <3uan© Elizabeth to .ooime wid the Aigyptian Armadher,' say® he. 'We . learnt all that at schule. Why, William the phwat's this wasn't bom tbin!' , /''Anyhow;, 'tis an ould game, 5 I says. * and sometimes tbey invite: the ladies to the grane.' " " 'That 5 s pbwat you're dhrivin' at, is it? 5 he says, laughiu'. "I tuk no notice of his_ insinuendo, but I continued me argumint. " 'You'll get your name in the papers,' I says 'and perhaps your porthraitel'" " 'Yes, and they'H make me look as big. a bally froight as they did you whin tbey shnapped you on the links,' says be. " 'And you can wear shlippers, and a blazer,' says I. 5 ' ' < " Can I?' says be. ©oftenin' a bit. ■■ " 'You cam,' says I. 'And tbey have a. baa* where you can get a dhrink whin ye're dhry which is purity often. 5 says i. 55 "'A dhriink of pbwat?' says be, gettin 5 intherested. " 'Whisky,' says I.' 5 " I'll jine!' says be, and be did. ' 'It did me heart good whin I sane him goin' off in- bis blazer and a bag wid a cigar in bis mouth, and an ould gintleman that calls for him,, that Pat says has made a mini of money at manin' wid a oast in bis eye. "The first Sathurday be wint. be was brought home be the man nixt door, who said that the dash of soda he tuk in bis whisky must, have got on his sbiomick. and give him. cramps. Pat said it -was ail owin' to _ him. being new at the game. He said be <got igiddy tbryin' to get Kitty out of tbe ditcb. I didn't know who Kitty was, but be said it wouldn't happen sgin, and so I looked over it fox the sake of the socialistic distinction he •was gainin'. "So. now, on < Sathurday_ aftbernoons be gets home in good ioime to his lunch, and tbe fufrust thing he wants to know is whether his gear is all roight. That's phwat he calls his sblippers and his bowls, and bis blazer, and things that he caraues in a. little leather bag. "And thm,. afther lunch, inshtead of goin' down to Flaherty's pub, or playin' two-up in the back yard wid . Mulligan, he puis on a starcber shirt and a clane collar, Binds one of tbe iwins for sixpeninortb ox cigars and off he goes to tbe bowiin 5 green as shmart as a prize pig at a show. "More than onicet they're made him 'Captain,' and the soide he. ..ivfcs en thin, does m© proud. I'll 3ay to him some times, whin; I'm settin 5 the tay things— "'Well, I'll say, 'did they make you captain, McSweeney, to-day ?' " Tbey did,' heCll say, wid; all the proide in loife. puffin' at his cigar, and coekin' bis fate on the table as gintale as a judge. " 'And who did you have m your tame?' I'll ask him'.

MRS McSWEENEY PERSUADES HER HUSBAND ...TO BECOME A BOWLER...

'"Oil! nobody wura-uth mintio'iin 5 . be'll say, wid an air of irL'ddffarabio.ti. 'Jist a mimber of Parly mint, a tailor, and a J.P.-' "Jist think of it, Mrs. Moloney. Pat! that I've sb/pint years am, tbryin' in vain to get bam to hould up tbe honour of tbe family, and here be is, only three months in the bowiin' club, and borne be comes, talkin. ; about mimbers of arlymint and J.P.'s as nobody •wurrutb mintionin' ; just as if they was 'Ordinary man loike tbe rist of us! It makes me fale that I'm rapin' the reward of one. labours on him. ''Well, on Sathurday last, it .>. as a ladies' day, and Bat bought me a new dbress for the occasion.. " 'There's thirty'' bob fer you,' he says, "that I got fer wuairukin 5 overtime. Take it, and do me credit.'" "So I looked at the papers, and I found- there was a . bargain --ale at Bolster Bros., where they was seilin' off a bankrupt shtock at half cost price. I wint in, and the shopwalker was one of the civdlest gintlemin 'I iveir mit. He was dhiressed im a frock coat wid curly hair and, a waxed moustache. As soon as I inthered the shop be come to me, and be says:— :

" 'Phwat cap-1 do for you. to-day, . madam? Ribbons, . laces, rimnants,. or undherclose?' says he. "'l'll look .at some rimmant©.' I says.' "So he tuk me to the riminant countber'i and I got "a beautiful animnant of poplin of the new shade of purple, which the young lady tould me was all the rage. "She said there was six yards of double width, just enough to. make me an illigani costhume. But she did not allow for me rotundity, and there was not quitei enough. ' I was a gore short, but, as luck would have it. I had some pink silk left afther throon'min' me hat. and so I put a pink panel down the front wid a thransparent yoke. _ I made it wid a bask, wid two medallions in front and one behind. I made it wid short sleeves and wide lace, wid eau-de-neel gloves up to me elbow. I put on me burnt shtraw pillbox bat wad the rid poin-poms, and tbe bunch of cornflowers at She back, and a grane gossatmer, wid vo-rose shpots. I wore tan shoes and open'wurruk shtookins. and whin I whs v'ddy. bouldin 5 me pink sunshade wid the ould-gold shtripes. Pat said he'd niver sane anytbin'. loike me. " 'Twas a beautiful afther noon whin we anroived at tbe grane. I was intbrodooced to the Mare ; and the -voife of the Mare, and the Mimber of Parlymint and his lady, and I was there no toime before I was the cinthre of atthr action. "There was chairs for tbe ladies, and I got one where I could show off me costhume to advantage. Soon afther our arrqival the game comtmdnrce'd. _ Pat was playin' near where we was siitin 5 . and it was a proud woman

I was whin I saw ham. shtep .out and win the toss wid his. blazer and a cigar in Ms, mouth. "Somebody bowled a big white mairble along the .grass, and thin they all tuk it in turns andL bowled bigiger marbles at it. But, bedad! I could' lia-yi© don© it bether anesilf, for divil a one of 'em bowled sthraight. The Lady Mare said it was becase they were on the'bias, but I couldn't see the sins©, of thimr bean' on the ibias .if they wanted to bowl shtraight. "However., they earned to git moiglity intheristed in it. _ One ishtood at the far and in a rid jumper wad grane shta-apes, and whin the Mimber of Parlyimint was goiin' to kneel down on a little mat, he says. . ' " 'Now,' says he, 4>ake plinty of p-rane. and you'll dhraw the shot. That's roight!' -he says, 'That was a dead dhraw!' " 'Now,' he says again, 'take Jack away. Do a wick off this one and yoiu'll get furruim on to Kitty. Oh!' says he. 'Phwat a.. pity! You're in the ditch, aaid you're dadl' '_' 'Haw about a s'hnifte<r?' says Pat, whin they'd bowled all the balls up. "And thin they wint into the house they called a pavilion. " 'Now,' says Pat_ whin they come out agin, 'we'll shay© a long head this toim©,' And than they shtarted 'bowlin' thie 'big marbles agin. "_How man;; do we lay?' says Pat, whin it was his turn. " 'Two.: and two sicoinds.' says the Mimiber of Parlymdnt. " 'Thin watch we now,' says Pat. and he bowled agin. ' " 'That wias a magpie'' says the r imiber of Parlymint. 'Why don't you kape up. man? Where, was you thryin' to go? To Karori?'

" 'Faith!' says Pat, 'I bad the wrong bias on at!' "Thin he . shtooped agin, and I couldn't help adnaoirini' his profile whin he shtooped, although it's mesiilf that says it. " 'Look at that now I'.' says he. 'Did I kiss Bitty that; todme?' ' " You did.' said the Mdimber, 'and you're layin' up closei alongside of her.' "Thin the Masre had to go, and he says: .. " 'Phwat do I want to. do? Shall I make a dbrivi©?' ' " 'Yes.' says man. at the other ind. Just com© in here, and kape well up and you'll take Jock away.' "So the Mare wint to' kmeel on the mat. but it was not adsy for th© Mare to kneel. He was a short fat (man, and was. handicapped owin' to bain' curved both ways and his ©arminifcs bein' toight. He had hi® back to us, and" iv-ery toime he tbried to. shtoop he -t me heart in me mouth, fori made sure that somethin' would happen. "He had one advantage, however. Be was bow-legged, and in place of shtoqpin' as you or I would, he used to bind his legs outward, and git down batwane thim. "After the Maxe had gone, the Mimher of Parlymirut says: — " 'Well, bhoys.' says he. 'phwat about a shneezerp' "So "they all wint iiito the pavilion agin, and come out <woipin' their mouths. ' "Be this toimei they was gettin' quoite excited, beoase* it saonies there was phwat they called a thropy to >be played for. and Pat and th© Mim'ber of Pasrlymint was a tie. "They played agin, and -they said the Mimber was leadin'. and thin they

said lie wasn't because Pat had knocked Jack into the ditch. I didn't see him hit anybody, but it moaght have bin that me attention was diverted be a hetliothrope blouse that was ,sittin' on a chair in front of me wid a V-shaped yoke down the bark. . "Anyho.w, I couldn't see phwat difference it 'ud make excipt to the man he hit, if any. But they was that excited aver it that Pat thought it waa toime for another ishnifthex. "As they wint.intq. the pavilion, the Mare called Pat on one side, and he said to him:—'McSweeney,' says he, 'lind me the loan of your eax for a mimite. Take in© advoice,' he says, 'and don't have any imore ' shheezers until the play is over. You'll be seer in' two Kitty's,' he says, 'and .you'll lose the throfy.' " 'No bally fear I' says Pat, cockin' up the ind of his cigar. 'He has one Ivery toime I have one. and I N can take tin to. his one!' he says. "Whini they come out agin, Pat was not walkin' very shtidy, and he s'htuimibled up agin the Lady Mare, and almost knocked heir out of the chair. But she tuk it quoite good humoured, especially afther the gintale way Pat apologised. " 'I big your pardon,' he says, 'liftin' his hat wid bis cigar and blazer, and blowin' the shmoke from it in rings. 'I beg your pardon. 'Twasme baflly shlippeir that thripped me. I hope there's no offinc©?' "Oh! none at all,' says the Lady Mare, shmioilin' at him shwately. "Jist thin the Mare calls out: — " 'Come, along McSweeney,' he says. ' 'Tis the last round, and we're waitin' for you. Afther this round, we'll give the ladies some tay.' "And so they played agin, and the Mimber of Parlymint won the throfy. "Afther the game was over, the ladies and gintlemin formed thimsilves into groups, arid shtrottled' about. ' 'The Mar© and me formed ■.' ■' one group. He was a rale plosanit gintle•man, in shpoitei of his corpulation, . wdd a carbuncle 0111 hisi nose, that was a bit short-winded but polite and obligih!.' "He toaild me all about the club; and how they was goin' to thry to win the pinnsnt. and he showed >me the medal he'd won two years before- on the bottom of his waistcoat. "I'm the president of the club, 5 he says: 'and I'm prorud of the; mimbers. I'm proud of McSweeney.' he says. 'McSweeney. is a good man.. He is clever at knockdn' Jack oiut. It's' not often that McSweeney is dead." he says. 'If he roolls in the ditch, it is ginerally afther he's kissed Kitty.' " 'Is it?' says I, • as cool as I could. "Tt is.' he says. 'If I'm captain, and till him to get furrum on to Kitty, there's not a man in the club can get_ closer, although they -all do their bist.' " 'And who's Kitty?' says I, thtppPin' in on© prominade, arid f acin' him. 'Who's Kitty? Tell me this minute!' I says, for I could hould mesilf no longor. "'Oh! says the. Mare, laughin'. 'Pat will tell yon all about Kitty whin you get home. He knows!' " 'And who's Jack?' says I. '?'oh!' he says 'Jack >and Kitty are, one.' " 'Thin she's married!' I says: 'and Pat knocks Jack out. and kisses Kitty, -and sets closer to her than any man in the club.,' says I. Wait till I get him home!' I says. 'To think I .should have persuaded him to jine a bowlin' dub, and that I should have weaned him from two-up for this!' And a tear ran down me ohake and /made a sbfcreak in me powdher. which I didn't notice till I got home." \ —From "The Surprising Adventures, j of Mrs. Bridget McSweeney." by j Thos. E. Spencer. j