Enter Nous.

Free Lance, Volume IX, Issue 455, 20 March 1909, Page 12

Enter Nous.

AN enterprising Empire City draper the other morning hired half-a-dozen tiied old men, to distribute some sale dodgers about town for him. In the afternoon, on his way to the bank, he met one of his ancient distributors mooching along, and, in a reckless, regardless-of -expense sorb ol way, throwing a handful of bills down on the pavement here and there as he slowly held on his way. "Here, what do you mean by this?" asked the man of rags angrily. "Is this the way yiu distribute my handbills, eni "Suttingly, Guy'noi '' answered the circulating medium, with a beery hiccup "that's wot the people does as I gives 'em to ! Yer see, I'm only saving time!" It was early morning, and one of the palace cars was spinning citywards with a full load of male and femate clerks. It was a Jervois Quay car, came in from Constable-street, and stopped at the Basin Reserve corner of Kent lerrace to pick up passengers. Amongst the passengers who boarded the car was a lady of immense proportions. She moved laboriously, and to the average man the betting would have been, say, twenty to one that she couldn't get into a palace car. Tt was an ordeal, but the lady won. • • • She was the cynosure of all eyes in the car. A row of young clerks <xni one of the seats had been watching. That they had sized up the situation very accurately was evident, for as the lady worked her way along the row three of the young fellows rose like one man, gravely raised their hats, and, motioning the lady to the ample accommodation afforded by their concerted vacation of seats, reached up for straps. The passengers saw the ;joke, and even the female passengers tittered audibly. • • • In a certain. Manawatu township there are two rival butcheis. They are very rival. That is to say, it is a neck and neck go for the business of the town between them. A week or two ago one of the butchers marked his sausages at 6d a pound. The other immediately set his label up at 4d a pound. No. 1 m response to this placed a label to the effect that sausages sold under 6d per pound could not be guaranteed. No. 2 immediately wrote a label and put it on his sausages, bearing these words . "My sausages haye been supplied to His Worship the Mayor." Things went quiet for a few days, and then an extra large card appeared in No. l's window, bearin°' the words, "God Save the Mayor!"

There is a clerk in a certaiu city wholesale merchant's office who is at present in some trepidation of spirit over a flagrant faux pas that he recently perpetrated. The clerk in question is a junior ciicketer of some rejiown, and a week 01 two ag-o he leceived from an old friend an invitation to ioin a team that intended to play a country match on the following Saturday *By the same mail he received from his employer a note to the effect that the said employer intended to give a o-a.rden party to his employees at his^residenoe on the following Saturday afternoon, and beaored the pleasure ot the clerk's company on that occasion. Now, it happened that the clerk bad a tender feeling for the eldest daughter of his employer— a feeling which be had good reason to believe was reciprocated. Therefore he despatched a lettei to his cricketing friend declining the invitation, and sent off a teryid epistle to his employer accepting with pleasure the invitation of that individual. Consequently, he was considerably astonished when, early on the following Saturday morning, his cricketing friend arrived, and asked it he was ready to start. "Start!' exclaimed the clerk • "didn't you receive my letter stating that I wouidn t come?" . . • Tlvm to the horror of the clerk, the cricketing friend produced the identical letter that the clerk thought he had sent to his employer. brreat Scot!" gasped the unfortunate > quilldiriver, as he explained the circumstances to his cricketing friend, 1 must have put those replies in the wiong envelopes. And the one that 1 meant to send to you, but must have gone to the boss, ran: Kats! Got something better on.' " And now he's waiting in fear and trembling to see what the boss is going to do. * * * A little widow now and then Plays havoc with the single men. She smites our hearts with glances bright. Beware, 0 men. the widow s smite. • • • This week about £200,000 of Manawatu Railway Company money should reach the hands of lucky shareholders in the Empire Uty It ought to be as giateful as a tropical showei in a sun-baked land. There are some 97,250 shares on the colonial register, most of them held in. Wellington, and, as the piesent dividend is £2 15s per share, at represents a windfall of some £267,000. Wellington's two hundred thousand will be very welcome, and the shopkeepers, the building and investment societies, and, in fact, the whole trading community, will feel the benefit resulting from the local circulation of so much money. Some people date the beginning 'of the monetary stringency, in fact, to the calling up of £100,000 odd from local investment to pay off the debentures on the Manawatu Railway shares. At the time that meant depleting the deposits with local lending coiporation and Building compamies.

A flood of gorgeous invitations, printed on stiff parchment paper, poured in upon the Empire City last week end inviting all and sundry to attend the opening on Monday last of Messrs. Selfndge and Co.'s new building in Oxforcl-stieet, London, between, the Mai bit Aich and Bond-street. Seitridge and Co. aie universal providers, and their new premises are am- up-to-date creation m five stories of steel and stone, with a maximum proportion, of plate-glass windows and a minimum of dead wall. Twelve months ago it was not begun; to-day it covers a solid acre of land, and rests upon foundation walls 70ft. below the surface and 27rt. thick. Its floors of ferro-concrete are eight m number, five above and three below the level of the street. • * * It embraces a hundred different departments. What a wonderful shopping place for the average woman! There are reception rooms for visitors, a library and "Silence Boom," a firstaid ward, fully equipped with a trained nurse in attendance, money-changing rooms colonial rooms with registers for visitors, railway, steamship, and theatre booking offices, a bureau of information, a luncheon hall with a tea garden open to the sky, and a smoking lounge for gentlemen, and, to crown all, the G.P.O. has established inside a post, telegraph, savings bank, and money-order office. In fact, Selfridge's is Tight up to the knocker, and, so far as its hands are concerned, "gratuities are neither expected nor allowed." What a marvellous transformation from the general store of Dickens's day, with its tallow lights and strings of onions. The world has been moving along pretty fast, and, although Uncle Sam has set the pace in mammoth hotels and huge stores of the "needle to anchor" variety, London is fast catching up Selfridge's will go a few better than Wanamaker's, m New York, the "Bon Mao-che" in Gay Paree, or Anthony Horde-ims, in Sydney. • • • A certain Australian magnate, who when in his own circle wears a uniform, and is the object of considerable attention and respect, has just been knocked out on our Main Trunk line. Said gen.tle.maji is very punctilious and particular, and he arrived the other evening with his party at a stoppingplace on the Main Trunk. Most ot the travellers on the tram lushed for the dining-room. It was late, and they were tired and hungry. But the great Australian peusonage made a toilette, after he had discovered! his baggage to be all Tight. Consequently he arrived late at the table.^ When he got that far, however, he was full of apologies and excuses, and, in the midst of his explanations, a weaiy, irritable feminine voice cut short his eloquence with an "0, shut your mouth, and push on with your meal!" It was the waitress, who saw her bedtime moving further away as the traveller talked. After one moment of transfixed horror and dismay, the incog. Australian gulped down his soup and indignation. He appeared to be meditating in silence on the beauty of democracy. But we are surprised that the waitress did not tell him to "get work." or "fee dhis face. Her rebuke was a mild one after all.

Adelaide is the latest Australian; city to appreciate the advantages of motor fire apparatus, thereby following tW exmple of other leading colonial cities A "Hatfield" petrol motor fire engine, to pump 350 to 400 gallons per minute, has been ordered from Messrs. Merryweather and Sons, of London. Sydney and Melbourne each possess two machines of this kind, but of larger size. They can turn out instantly, and travel at a speed of thirty miles an hour on. the level, whilst gradients of 1 in 6 can be readily negotiated with a full load. A special feature of the pump is itscapability for working from a deep lift,, arid water can be drawn up from a depth of 27 feet in a few seconds without priming devices. Fire has a bigger fight to wage now-a-days. The appliances for keeping it under grow apace. * * # The new departure in breach-of-pro-mise cases, that of the disappointed mere man suing the jilting damsel, is all right. But it is not nearly as interesting in court as the case wherein the disappointed dam&el sues the fickle swam. According to the Melbourne papers, the recent case in the Victorian capital was without the spice of letters, promising eternal fidelity, details of good-byes at the gate, bouquets, boxes of chocolates, and the like — all were missing. The proceedings were as doleful as a funeral. • ♦ * There is one phase of hreach-of-pcro-mises, however, which is always most interesting. It is the number of breach-of-promise cases which do not come off. How often it must happen* that the man is angled for, hooked:, and all but landed, when he struggles and strives to go free. If he got away in a great number of cases he would be sought out again with a wtrit — the gaff of matumony. But the tackle is too good, and the skill of the angleress too great. He is dragged through the shallow water and deposited on the altar steps beyond all/ power of escape. Theie must be many a narrow margin, where writ or marriage is merely a niattei of minutes. • * w A straw on the stream of conversation now and then shows how the current of our language is trending. But it is difficult to~~know just where we are going to pull up in the matter. There was an interesting case in point in the Bathiurst Quarter Sessions the other day. It caused some amusement. A young man from Carcoar was giving evidence, and his education had' been sadly neglected. He admitted that Ins only teacher was a "private man," but he was not able to "learn" him much. • • • The young man was asked! by a, juror during the progress of the case if, when, he signed certain certificates, he suspected the prisoner of fraudulent intent. This was a flattener for the "unlearned" witness. He shook this head in a mystified way, and said that he did not understand. The question was important, so the juror, coming down to witness's educational level, asked : "When you signed those papers did you jerry there was anything crook?" The young fellow immediately understood and, to the «ooompaaiiment of much laughter, catm3y replied : "No, I didn't tumble!"

It is always claimed by the cold water party that Prohibition towns are the most prosperous. This, however, doesn't seem to apply to Ashburton, judging from the following item of news: — "Ashbuxton Borough Council called for tenders in New Zealand and Australia for a loan of £15,000 for water supply at 4£ per cent. Only two tenders, totalling £2000, were leceived—one for £500 at £95 2s 6d, and the other for £1500 at £91 10s." Yet, if Ashburton were the prosperous township that the No-License paity would make it out to be, it should have been able to raise that loan without the slightest difficuitv. It will be a bad look-out for cold-water Ashburtnn it it camnot get a decent cold-water supply. • ■• * To the independent and dictatonal modern cook : — O come with me, and be my cook, And you may have my pocket-bonk! For you the parlour doo,r's ajar, And you may use my moix>r-eai . My wife has gems that you may wear, And you may use her Sunday hair. And if these'things enticing look, Then, come with me, and be my cook. • • • We congratulate the literary staff of the "Northern Lummaay" on "theix arithmetical accuracy. Their latest exchange contains the following item ot news. — "Eleven candidates in the held (so we are informed) for a seat on, the Bay of Islands Licensing B cinch. It one weie to die, there would be but ten.'' Not only must this have been an engrossing news item to the community amongst whom this paper circulates, but such accuracy in addition and substi action is astonishing in a country paper. • * * A propos of our last big blaze neai the Ferry Wharf one night last week, a Lancer entered into a gossip w ith a well-known insurance manager. Do you think the incendiary rat is active iust now?" "Well, he usually is id dull times," said the manager guardedly. "At any rate, I'm sure of one thing. I won't get a bonus this yeaas I did last one. Do- you know I haven't earned a copper of pront tor my people this year, and six months ot it is already gone." "How does New Zealand stand in fire loss statistics.'' asked the Lancer. "Very badly, w the dry reply. "The average fire loss per head for Europe (including Great Britain., and leaving out Russia and a few other countries that are not bombproof) is from Is 6d to 2s. For Uncle Sam's Land it mounts as high as /s. But for God's Own Country it is up to 10s " Whew, how is that for high- ♦ * • Touching on the subject of oui big flare-up last week, and the goodworlc done by our brigade, isn't the evomtion of the fire brigade a study now-a-days You Ve seer 'em turn out? les .lie horses don't get anything like the amount of work they used to. Wonder if ever they get jealous ot the speedy motor fire engine. Gradually the quadruped is being pushed outeven out of the fire station. • *• *" Let mothers-in-law take heed Their day of powei is waning fast ln ,™ c New Jersey Supreme v,ourt the other day Judge Stevenson delivered a knock-out blow to able-bodied mothers-in-law when he decided that John Keery must either pay his wife alimony or oust his mother. A New York "Post" correspondent states tftat mothers-in-law are the same venerable institution with them as with us on the Pacific coasts, and the decision is one of far-reaching importance. In elaborating his decision, Mr. Justice Stevenson, said . — • • • "Home is not home where there is a mother-in-law. If a man installs his mother in his home when she is able to provide for herself elsewhere, it is not such a home as a wife must accept, and in the eyes of the law such conduct on the part of a husband is abandonment of hie wife. The defendant's wife objected to the presence of her mother-in-law, and left when her husband refused to put his mother out. That Tefusa.l was construed as an act of abandonment by the wife, and she was right." The only saver is when the tnbther-in-law is indigent and unable to do anything for her own support. Then ifc is the duty of the son's wife to make the best of an awkward situation. The whole case is one to give mothers-in-law pause for thought. But, an interesting question from the male point of view is: "How does this decision affect the "id's mother?" • • • This ia enough to make Nelson, "the city of sunshine " turn green with envy. A gentleman who some time ago left Napier to try his fortunes in Rhodesia, has written to a Napier resident. There seems to be something akin to regret at having left the marine-paraded town. The envelope bears the following eloquent superscription.: "Bright, breezy, beautiful Napier, Hawte's Bay, New Zealand."

New Zealand appeal s to be carolling all soits of fish m its adveitising diagnet. Some individual who lecentlv came to the Dominion to stalk deer, 01 play tiout, has done us this signal honour on his return to his native haunts. The extract is from the "Honolulu Advertiser" of 10th January, 1909 — "The people in New Zealand have more religion without having Christianity, can dimk moie whisky without getting drunk, and can bet more on horse-races w ithout gambling tha.n any people I ever saw in my life." The gentleman may have tiavelled elsewhere, but he seems to have sought out some very peculiar quarters when he came to New Zealand. If he will persist in frequenting racecourses and drinking places he must expect to see things. • • . A motoring tourist fiom Rotoiua, but quaite English, you know, motored out to Newtown Park the othei day in search of Wellington's Zoo. He was told it was the biggest lion in the Dominion. Dismounting at the gate, he hailed a small boy. "Say, my little man," he began, patronismgly, "am I right for the Zoo?" The youngster gazed at the enormous dust coat, the patent goggles the distended pa-nts. and shiny hat of the apparition, and then observed, as he edged furthei away: "Yer might be all right if they've got a spare cage insLde, but you'd ha' stood a sure chance if you'd only kept on yer tail." • « • There was trouble in New Plymouth the other day over the desire of a European to kiss a Maori lady on the street. Of course there is no accounting for taste, and many a European lady, for aught we know, might have rejoiced in the amorous demonstrations of this gentleman. Nor is any proof forthcoming to show that the dark lady resented his attentions. It was the Maori husband who cut up

lough, and that Has where the European's bad taste came m. He should have waited until the Maori was out of the way. A charge of assault will piobably be pieferied against the native, whose name is Monga. The European is alleged to have attempted to kiss Monga's wife, being unaware of Monga s presence. This was soon painfully brought home to him by the native, who is said to be well up m the "noble art." It's odds on Monga coming out on top, though it looks as if lie made suie of that position straight away. • • • The chorus girl from the pantomime has ah\ ays been a fatal attraction to the university student, if all the stories written upon, the subject are to be believed. Recently this effect was marked in an Australian city. The students of a certain college had grown so recklessly daring in their behaviour that one of the professors undertook to admimstei a gentle reproof by a lecture on decorum. The students listened ■nith due submission and humility. In the course of his lecture he said: "My young friends, the floors of hell are paved with champagne, motor-cars, and chorus giils." He was horrified to hear one of the students say, in a sepulchral voice: "0 death, where is thy sting!" • • • There's a Caledonian Society upcountry which is probably unique amongst the national undertakings of the Scot. The president recently stated — whether apologetically or proudly one cannot be quite sure-^-that they have a Chinaman in. their clan.. It is not entirely a precedent. History records that Mir. Quong Tart, the tea magnate of Sydney, was never quite happy until he wore a kilt and sang "Scots Wha Hae." Also, the Auckland Highlanders used to nave a fine, upstanding buck-nigger and several Italian fishermen on their muster-

Now that the sound of civil service retirements is in the air, the daily press leporters are keen on. picking up the "next please" in the way of retiimg pionouncements. They desire, ofcourse, to tell the world where Mr. Smith saw the light of day for the first time, whether Mr. Brown fought in the Maori wars, and what coloui socks Mr. Jones generally wears. Sometimes the reporter, or pax-catcher, looks down the official list in his keenness for business, and, coming across some prominent name, he will say "By Jove, now there's Mr. Snooks. He must be near the limit. ' He'U make good copy, too! ♦ • • That's just what a certain, reporter did say the other day. And he went further. He acted upon it. And thereby hangeth this foEowing tale. The reporter couldn't find the official list of ages, so he telephoned to the Government office in question, thinking to speak to the clerk, with whom he was on familiar terms. "Say, how old a bird is old Snooks?" he queried, without any preamble.. It was the "boss" himself who had picked up the transmitter. "Too old to be easily caught," he replied, a,nd raJig off.

vSmithson was hopelessly intoxicated one evening last week, and three or four young men who were holding him up in a corner were inclined to have a joke with him. They offered to pay for another drink for him. Said the supporter ot the movement: "Well, though we are teetotallers ourselves, we hate to see a fellow suffering agonies for the sake of a drink, so here's sixpence. Go in there and get a drink 1" They led him to an undertaker's door, and pointed him to the counter. Smithscn staggered forwaid, and, reclining helplessly upon the counter, thumped on the "bar." c • • The undertaker came out. "Here, gimme long 'un, pleash!" said Smithson, plankmg down his sixpence. The undertaker sized up the situation. "You won't need a long 'u,n>," he said. "I'll give you a medium bier." He dragged forward a coffin. "How is tins?" he said. Smithson took one glance, and tore out of +he shop and down the road. "He doesn't care for my biers," said the undertaker to the young jokers outside. "He thinks they're too flat, and there's no body in them."

roll. They looked fierce and killing in their kilts. Our up-country Chinaman is possibly another good sort, whom the Caledonians had not' the heart to exclude upon such a technical objection as parentage. But the white New Zealand — Hooray!