Entre Nows.

Free Lance, Volume VIII, Issue 402, 14 March 1908, Page 12

Entre Nows.

A COUPLE of WeHdngtoniams who visited the Wairarapa on a fishing excursion a week or two ago, had all 1 the fun they anticipated out of the top, and a liittle more. They are now chuckling over am amusing incident which brightened one of their afternoons at a wellknown, fishing creek Two local' residents were out catching trout in the vicinity, and had basketed two beamties, when the visitors bethought them of a practical joke. Putting ottu am official manner, and floum'shing a fishing license, one demanded m stemitorian tones, "What are you fellows doing?" remarking that 'he was looking for fellows poaching for trout, and would trouble the two to show t'heiir basket. • # • In fear and trembling ait being caught red-handed mi illegal trafficing, the culprits handedl their spoil (two beauties) over without a murmuir, the jokers asuring them in dignified terms that as this was their first offence as far as they knew, there would be no action taken beyond the confiscation) of the scaly spoil. The self-styled rangers had word conveyed to the "poachers" later on that the trout were unusually toothsome. * * * It happened at a factory not a hundred InlJ.es from Lambton Quay. The proprietor was showing a party of lady visitors through his newly-built warehouse "Yes, this is a high buildung," he said, "but to prove to you how quickly we can coimmuinoicate from one floor to another, I will whistle up this tube for the manager on the top floor!" He blew fiercely through the pipe. "Now, Miss Smithsoin, just come amd lus/ten here!" The top-floor manager had recently been bothered with false calls from the office-boy. "Ye confounded little slip of a gutter snipe," he roared, "if you do that again I'll come dowm and kick your trousers!" Miss Smithsou fainted. • * * The Government may now cease worrying over defence questions. The safety of the British Empire is being attended to by the Methodist Conference, which has been Tecenitfliy sitting in .Auckland. Observe this reassuring resolution and rejoice with exceeding great joy — "That & Coanmitmittee, consisting of Messrs. T. W. Jones, J. F. Arnold, M.P., J. G. Harkness, and the Beve. H. R. Dewsbury, D. J. Murray, F. W. Boys, and J. A. Luxford, be seit up to report upon naval and military affairs " Crowns and thrones may perish, and kingdoms rise and wane, but so long as we haye 1 a board of experts like this to look after the defence of the Empire in general, and New Zealand in particular, we need fear mo foe in>, or out of, shining armour.

A Socialist is a man, who willl' share anyttung anybody else ha® with halmselt. In. theory he will afeo share anything he has himselDf witth tlhe ■oi.hui fellow. As he never has anything, he is o,n a good ticket. He desires the distiibutiom of wealth, but lie is not going to. get veay tured over Ins part of the distribution. He won't actually die of muscular exhaustioin handling out the results of his labour to the othei fellow The products of a ja-w won't support many sta-iving families A West Coast yarn is a propos. Two Socialists — that is people who call themselves SO' — weie picked up on tlhe road bv a passing driver. These me.n preached the gospel of Socialism to the diiver. He wasn't a convert • • T The cart overtook two miners, weary, and on foot. The dirive>r suggested to the Socialists that they should dismount, and allow tlhe miners to take their places. The driver poikiifc<sd out MhaA thils wouM prove their bona fides, or words Ix> that effect But the Socia.las.te were not givimg away anfyfehnnig that had beem, given, to them. Some Socialists are people who deory all existing institutions while getting everything out of them possible. They hate wealth because it isn't their wealth ; they detest employers because they haven't the application, o.r the persistence to employ anything but a vemomous tongue and' as for tlhe distribution of land, if a rich uncle diied and left a hundred acres itn> the 'heart of London to a Socialist — we.ll, the Socialist wouldn't take it. Would he, now? « c * Something that comes between comedy and pantomime happened in. the street at New Plymouth one day last week. While a milkman had his back turned, an urchin seized the opportunity to refresh himself from the tap of the milk-can. Seeing the owner on his way back, the youngster took to liis heels. Naturally, the milkman gave chase. With 'his handicap of youth and activity, the youngster made no race of it, and) hiis pursuer soon gave up the unequal contest in disgust. But his disgust at being out-distanced was not a circumstance to the tantrums he indulged in on getting back to his cart The graceless gamin had not waited to tuirn off the tap from which he had been drawing refreshment, and during the race the contents of the can had beeni poured on to the road. What that meant to a milkman in tnese droughty days need not be enlarged upon. No wondr he stamped and raged. • * * The pathetic utterances of the president of the Methodist Conference at Auckland, deprecating the nonrchuirchgoing predictions or modern people, would seem to the non-church-goer to be an admission of clerical weakness. It cannot, however, be denied that the clerics have done effectual work. Only last week a man who had been suffering from religious mania, and had escaped from Porirua Mental Diseases Hospital, was recaptured at Foxton. He had "taken no thought, etc., wherewithal he should be cloithed," for he was not clothed at all. Probably the accusation that he was not a church-goer had never been levelled at him.

An important church appointment was recently offered to a clergyman in the country, bxit everybody was in doubt whether he would accept or decline it. In the midst of the general uncertainty, cne mam anmioumoed positively that the reverend gentleman would take the office. The gnostic was not wi the chuirch council either; he was simply a newspaper writer. The source of his knowledge was unusual ; he knew only that the clergyman had been asked to send his photograph to the weekly illustrated newspaper — amd had done so. * • ♦ Hints of this kmd do not come to newspaper writers only. Once before, m the same denomination, a pulpit in a certain city had been offered to< a preacher in the other lslamd. "He won't come," said the knowing ones. "He will come," aaiother maintained stoutly. "We don't think so." "But I know positively," said the dissenter. How did foe know ? "Because" (and the reply was convincing) "he has bought the' mainse carpets as they lie oni the floor." It was a sharp-eyed journalist, by the way, who telegraphed to London the news of ParnelT's marriage to Mrs. O'Shea on the strength of having noticed the Irish leader enter a jeweller's shop at a seaside place. The reporter casually strolled in afterwards, and leaireed that the last customer had purchased a wedding ring. * • * What a fine lot of fellows the men of the Wellington College Old Boys' Association are, and how unlike the ordinal y idea of what an ex-collegian should be. What deficiency there is in .the climate of Wellington 1 to* make a well-educated youth maltreat the English language, we know not, but this we know : the following is a fair sample of oratory at the annual meeting "Mr. Chairman, o'ini not gowiin' to miike a speech. I done that la-ret toime Oi was here. I never come for that purpose." This in a nasal tone. Now the probability is that the young man who talks like that is extremely well educated. He is, perhaps, a solicitO'i or a barrister, and there is just a chance that he is a B.A. • • • At that meeting one of these highlyeduoated men spoke of the "upholstering" of sport. He obvilously desired to say "the bolstering up" of sport, or something similar. It says something for the excellent manners of the men present that they either didn't notice^ the fearful misuse of terms, or didn't know that there had been a misuse. Still, the idea is humorous. For instance- "The suite of footballs was upholstered in maroon leather with tapestry fringes," or_ "The wickets were caparisoned in crimson repp," or "The goal posts were a bright spot on the field, which was laid with beautiful Brussels carpet." • • • And "The goal posts had saddlebags and silver-plated castors. The cross-bar (which was upholstered by Messrs. Stuffing ~- 1 Co.) was nicely quilted in pink silk, a.nd buttoned with green buttons, the colours of the home team." Or again, "It was decided at the annual meeting that Mr. Binks should be made life-upihoilsterer to* the club. One speaker said 1 he was not gowing to support none of these 'ere clubs wot hadn't got no upholsterers, and he begged to move tlhat the annual subscription towards that end be not pide this year!"

Extraordinary how these public men find things out. Mr. Ashcroft, for instance, recently said it was rudicuiols how land yalues in Wellhfligton were mounting up. It had never occurred to anybody before tbat values were high. Everybody thought they were getting on all right if they managed to rent a property foir double the price it was worth. Then, of course, the absurd private accusation that Wellington land agents are responsible for all the high-price troubles Wellington is suffering from camjnot bear the light of truth for one instant. • « . Land agents are mere philanthropists in disguise. The members of the profession who deal in exchanges, and frequently get seme hundreds of pounds in one commission) for one exchange (the purchaser paying), do> not take the money. They hand it over to charity, and themselves live' on bread and water. Their position is quite legitimate and safe — for a few moie months. During the coming winter, oir next spring, or the following summer, lots of Wellington gentlemen will vacate offices in the city in order that the said offices may be used for the storing of tracts or as meeting rooms for Parliamentary caadidatesi" ooonmit-teee, etc. In ttbe words of the sage ■ ''A time will come, ha! ha!" • • • To borrow a term from "Lady Madcap" for the occasion, Edwa<rd Goodall "buttles." At any rate, he travels New Zealand for John Edward Butler, Ltd., of this city. But he spends a good deal of has time about the Wellington head-quarters. If you see a large, handsome-looking; chap, with a military moustache and a twilnkle in both eyes, and a suit that fits him tightly across a big chest (upper and lower), you can begin, to guess that it's Edward Goodall I—just1 — just as often, called Ted. Of oo^lrse. he can, talk leather and saddlery with you till sundown and far on imto the might. He was born into that elemenit. • • * Edward first opened his eyes in that corner of Staffordshire, England, where they tanned the skins of the animals that were left over from Noah's flood in the year 60,583 B.C. The township is called WalshailL Staffordshire goes in foir pottery mostly, but m traveler Goodall's township they don't "pot," they just "tan. ' Edward is a keen sport. You can always see him at the Basin Reserve on Saturday afternoons 1 and, though the average Wellington, cricketer doesn't know it, this liooker-om can. tell the big hits and good'baHs that have been perpetrated thereabouts for the past twelve years. Sporting is in the G-Oiodail blood. His fathetrs sported, and his forefather? sported before them. It was a different kind of spoirt ; played ohiefly on a Sunday morning. • * • You know those English Sabbath mornings ; you .must have read about them. When the odour of samcitity filled the air, and only the bees, butterflies, .and birds broke the holty day bv working. Funin,v thing these beasts never take one day off mi seven. Well, on- these English Sabbath morns, whew the beTLs rang the worshippers to churclh, where the sipire, like an angel's forefinger, poiimted firom the grass to heaven, the forefathers of Ted GoodalTFs village used to usher forth with the fear of God ini -their hearts, and a gamecock under oiae arm and a bull-dog under the otiher. They would

meet on the village gieem, aaid set 'em going. Ah, those were the days ! Ted carnes one of the steel spurs m his po'rtisammy toKlay that his anoien.it iatheis ot "lon gotten memory" used to fasten, to the business end of the warrior rooster. Dow n on the Oteigo goidfields a couple of years back Ted dropped across an old villager. They sat together beside a fiie and l a whisky, and talked of the village green,, and when the olid chap (sonnet here near 90, not out) learned that cock-nghtung an Sunday mornings was knocked on, the head, lie broke into a gnef that was pitiable He reckoned that England was lapsing l'nibo heath enfen, or soiraeithmg woase A year or so ago Edward Goodall took a hol'idlay. He packed Ins own trunk — being a bachefor — a.ml went Home again, via America But he's got a motion, that God's Own Country will suit him yet <a while, so he goes on "buttling" for Butler. # * * Mournfully reported by a traveller oirn the upper reaches of the Wanganui river that some of its tributaries have lately become dry. But has not Parliament decreed, that the whole of the upper Wanganui district shall be "dry?" — iru the licensing sense, at any* rate. The streams, them, are only conforming to the Taw, and it isni't evenrv settler or tourist who* does as much. • • ♦ Auckland is -pathetically cranky, and supplies the whole of New_ Zealand with specimens of the Jong-haired person who mourns over hite lost berrotber. The Auckland police are, perhaps, as cramky as the rest and lately they have ' been indulging in statistics about women who drink in hotels. The Auckland police found 55 women drinking iin seven hotels. This is, of course, hair raisine;, and all that sort of thing and the Lance is sorry. But why should the police and little sad-eyed societies tie themselves into knots about these few women who do what thousands of men do werv day im Auckland without any brad-awl-eved police sergeants worrying in the least. * • • The opinion of the Lance is that lit is a special form of meanness on, the part of the police. It has always been a disgrace to the wearers of trousers that they have the vast majority of sinners. ' If a Mimasber of the Crown goes boldly into a bar, and drinks mimeteeni sham dies, nobody gets worried, but of the much-harder worked washerwoman takes her tot of gim> in a public bar instead of sixteen tots in her private kitchen, silly old _ police sergeamits (who have a bottle in the cupboard, bedad ') get perfectly frantic. The silly old sergeamrts should be given some work to do by a silly old inspector. c * * * FeatheTston, like many other places in New Zealand, lately suffered from drought, but evidently Featherston was not exactly starving for something damp. Anyhow, the local paper rises to complain of the tremendous showers of "dead .marines," and_ the consequent punctuirosation) of bicycle tyres. The attention of the public is called to Section twoty-two of the Police Offences Act, which seems to set out -that no constable shall 1 break bottles on a public highway to the danger of the bicycles tyres of His Majesty's lieges. On. the whole, the presence in the Featiherston atmosphere, of milkons of empty bottles seems to point to the probability that there are few empty Featherstomians. The finding of several billions of broken bottles in the streets of Featherstoin seems to be proof positive that the* people of tflhat city are in a thriving condition, both financially and physically. Featherston is standing at the door with its gum, waiting foir the first bicycle merchant who shall be found spi inikkng broken bottles. Evidently "dead marines" are cheaper tihan tacks — and they get there just the same Some unusual genius at Home has a scheme on hand for a "floating hotel." This newly projected hotel is to be an obsolete lmei that will simply go where it likes and apparently do what it likes. It us presumed the used-up liner will get a license. What is the matter with converting the old hulks in the harbour into hotels too ? They could "trade" between Miahanga Bay and Kaiwarra. Kaawarra is chosen, because the convives could walk the effects of the "floating" hotel off before getting to town. Audi what a boim a floating hotel would be to the well-bred young men- who sometimes fill the Saturday night Day's Bay boat, and try to throw the cabfe overboard, and fight, amd are otherwise humorous. We commend the floating hotel also to land syndioators. An old hulk would be an easier thing to float at the present time tihams a chunk of country for which a sytndticate only desiTed 1798 per cent, profit.

Wellington worries itself feaa fully over localities foa- public conveniences. It decides on a dock site, and then an agitation ensues during which every other site but the one chosen is the correct one. Mount Cook has been variously a gaol and a barracks. It is either going to be a museum or technical school now, according to the size of the protests made by the rival sides. The city worries itself paJe over the tempoi aiy hoirne of Parliament and eveiry place but the Skating Rink in Vivian-street seems to be suitable. • • • The Coiparation is a marvellous person m the matter of sites, and a careful, canny man, desiring to get the

uttermost farthing for its teund. That is why it has permitted the section in Adelaide-road, wherom once stood the famous horse-tramway shed, to remain a howbng waste for several years. It apparently never occurs to the Council to act like tthe ordinary avaricious private landlord of "Wellington, and to stick up four-romed cottages, built of sixth-class timber, at double rents. But in regard to this site the Council has at last scored. It has gathered in several pounds in rent from the* circus that has been the first occupant since the electric car service began. The Council is so rapid that if it is not caietul it will run off the edge of the earth and dislocate itself.