Entre Nows.

Free Lance, Volume VIII, Issue 398, 15 February 1908, Page 12

Entre Nows.

COME with us to a room on the top flat of the YMC A. Seventeen men there — gloomy, sad. young, hard, determined, decided, grim. Anarchists 9 No The Wellington Centre of the New Zealand Amateur Athletic Association. Athletes joyful? Not a_ bit. These men, all except three, quite young, never smile. They are sixteen times more serious than politicians, and twice agaraulous. Everybody wants to talk. and everybody does. But for a good dhairman (Dr. Newman) everybody would talk all right If the meeting were a conference of ambassadors or Prime Ministers trying to stave off universal war the seriousness and gloom and heat coiilldn't be better expressed. • • » Wrangle? Ye gods, how they wrangle' Anybody would think the performance of a walk was a new earthquake, or a tidal 1 wave, or something cosmic. Spo.rt p Heavens' give us war. One chap laughed once at the meeting, and said funny things. Isn't he ashamed of himself? He should remember that he was not im church, but at an athletic centre meeting! ... That the Commandant of the British Rifle Team, who was abound here the other day looking for glasses of ale which he couldn't get, seems likely to have a medicine-chest sent to him as a present from the Dominion, seems probable. He has afforded no end of entertainment to all sorts and condiitions of men up and down New Zealand, and even up-country editors are trying to diagnose his complaint. At Wangannii the opinion is firmly held that a forty-five days' fasting course would make a. man of him At _ Christchuroh they say that his liver is in an abominable state At Gore it is^ suggested that a little old-fashioned "bleeding" would ease him a trifle. t • • The Christohurch "Press" says that "the peppery outburst of Captain Hopton, who came and sow and censured, stimulates considerable national resentment. The gallant captain's chief grievance was against the restraint placed upon, the saJe of liquor here. It was quite difficult to get a glass of ale ot wine. Nature is solely to blame for these shortcomings. It is not our fault that merely watei Hashes over the Sutherland Falls, that the Sounds and the Lakes contain nothing better, and that the geysers .n the Rotoruia district project the same monotonous element, only warmed up and with stones in it. We do our best with the limited materials at command, and can, only regret that our mountains have been able solely to yield numerous glaciers, but no breweries, up to the present time. What the captain really needed was a liver tuTI; what he wanted goodness only knows."

The "Sons of the Sea" wlio lecently visited Wellington with the fleet are c i edited with two lecoTds established in the Empire City. One was the ■exemplary conduct of the men, and the other is best set out in the notice which was pasted up om> the dr>r>rwav and window of a restaurant m tlie city on the last Sunday evening •ran which the fleet was in po<rt The notice stated that "Owing to the concentrated attendance and abnormal appetites of the Australian Squadron now in port our cuisine is temporarily denleted While heartily thanking them, we reeiiet our friability to do other than shut down to-night, and wait natientlv fo.r to-morrow's supplies " The admiration of the public foi tli-e blue-jackets is entirely vindicate-d i.n viow of such performances as these It is oratifving to know that the Government purpose settimig up an advertising denartment to control their <r owing bn^ne^s in. that lime. It is doubly girat'fvin 1 "- to know that the "man for the job" is on the spot They need not go to England or Ame-rioa for their manager What's wrong with that Mr A Frederick Francis-Ellis the ■nr< T anii'=er, advertiser, dn^zleiV^r. etc of the Rot* 1 ma Carnival Read his posters — they're immenicr. The advertiser is born mot made nnrl the *•.£>■'<; gienins in this gentleman's work • • • Hie po&ten sets out tlie pix)graram<; for the "Holiday of a Lifetime." But the tit-bit of the whole bill as the follow ing "Fun and Frolic, Trout, Geysers, Mud Volcanoes, Faoiy Sprungs, and othei Thermal Wonders." There's genius for you! The paity of ut us that the space in the poster was confined, oir A. Fredenck-EUis might have, ©laboiaited "Ducks and diakes, swans and seagulls, war canoes and boiled eels tobacco, cigars and cigarettes, peamuts and candy, music, ninth, and meirmient, etc., and other thermal wonders " Whaft we sihould like to know us, why Mr. T. E. Donne, who 'has made a name and .reputation as an expert manager up at Rotorua, has never discovered half tht thermal wonders of the place. It looks like criminal negligence, on Ihis part. But w ill Mr A. Frederick Francis-Ellis tell us when, those "trout" are to be soaped and how long the "Fun and Frolic" continue to erupt when they commence playing? Wanganui watches Webb with wistful eyes. It adores Webb, and the tact that Webb condescends to live in Wanganui creates new poets every day Acooiding to> a local newspaper correspondent, Webb is "as fast as a swallow on the wing" (a swallow can travel seventy -two miles an. hour) , "He made a hack of his companion." (ooanpamion must have been suffering from hoTseness(, and "His boat travelled like the Union Company's Maori " It may be further remarked that Mr. Webbs boat showed a clean pair of heels to the blue blue sky, that she' breasted the tape with a buoyant stride^ and finished a stirring gallop without turning a hair You remember the old Grecian way of buirning boats p Tressider will l naturally irn>cineTate his sculls, or conflagrate his skiff, or devastate his rowlocks, or something. Anyhow, he .hasn't got a chance of pulling a feather _ -pillow seventy-two mile's an hour, which appears to be Webbs worst.

The Christchurch "Press" says that some notable Americans are at present "doing" this Dominion. It doesn't exactly put it in thait way. In fact, you have got to sink a shaft, dig out the information, and haul it up in a bucket. Anyhow, heie's the "Press" mine of information on the subject, and it's well put — " America is unlearning the ancient lesson in physics w Inch taught her that the sum rose fiom behind the left shoulder of Sandy Hook, and set in the suburbs of 'Frisco.. She is also sending her trusty sons and dauglvters abroad to see if the world wags, and, if so, how maoiy. Even the corner lot of real estate upon which we are whittling the small ends of a destiny has been deemed of stifficient worth io happen along to. • • • "Thus within the period of a few short weeks we have had the GalJJlee, with her scientists, guessing and calculating the angle of our magnetic dip ; Professor Voder, of Utah, viewed our flocks and herds our ox, and our ass, and' everything that was ours, in ten, days ; Dr Kennedy is enquiring into out social conditions ; while Mrs. Devin is unravelling out labour laws — all to the intent that, in the fulness of time, Uncle Sam may perceive (when his banks have recovered from blind staggeirs and windgall; when the trusts are fit to be trusted and when his navy can .plough the blue Pacific and come home tiirod, but safe, when the evening shadows lengthen), that there are some wags which the nonAmerican world wags, likely to advantage United States progression if incorporated with his present outfit." • • •

Royal Tears. "Because of the assassination of Portuguese royal personages, King Edward did not dine with the officers of the Lifeguards. He fed privately. ' — CabJ« news Ah! His grief was something awful — for a.n Anarchist unlawful Had slit the royal weasand of a king. He was lying cold and stark — the assasin foi a lark Had massacied him in the early spring Edward's grief was most profound, and the royal word went round That he'd have a black-legged chicken for his meal , He tt ould grieve until to-morrow, and express his royal sorrow By substituting sausages for veal l In state the corpse was lying, and its royal owner dying (Some quaint humorist had shied a bomb at him) ; The wires were set a-going— at the time the King not knowing, Was indulging in his dinner with great vim. When the news had come he halted. signing to the cook exalted, Said he "My poor royal brother's gone and died ' Remove that loaf of bread, and give me scones instead, And take away these boiled eggsbring me fried!" Metaphor is a dangerous indulgence with the average country eomresipoindent. One of them, writing to a local daily paper, remarked: "The silent reaper whose name is Death has left his footprints manifested with no uncertain sound in this district. _ Mrs. Blank, an old and respected resident, having been called, to join the great majority." The silence which gives no unceirtain sound is something rather moire noisy than the fall of petals from blown roses on the grass.

Tel'luig tale of a cow, from a country paper. A fat caw, which was being driven from Ashford to Bakewell tor slaughter recently, escaped into the bush, through which it ran at full speed, pursued by its drivers. On reaching the further side of the bush, the cow jumped over a cliff, nearly fifty feet high, on to the road below. In its descent the animal, which was a very heavy one, came into contact with a projecting tree, which was torn fiom its roots, and fell to theground with the cow. Before reaching the road, the animal crashed against the telegraph wire, which snapped like a piece of string. • • • Two gentlemen, who witnessed thecow's terrible fall, were astonished to see the animal rise from the groaad, pick up a mouthful of grass, and walk quietly off as if nothing had happened. After walking about a hund'red 1 yards the beast again took to flight, and 1 was lost. Owing to the breaking of the wire, telegraphic communication between Bakewell and Ashford was interrupted for several hours. On hearing of this, the Lance's special stockman mounted his horse, and tried to head the cow. He was too Tate. The animaT had already handed herself over to an Ashford restaurant-keeper as braised steak, already skewered. All d'av people carved 1 from that cow, and when the stockman left only the hoofs remained. A Wellington firm of glue manufacturers have wired to the hoofs to come this way. • • • "Two Miles a Minute" is the title of a copy of automobiliac verses appearing in an American paper. Here aretwo stanzas: — Ahonkandarush, Abasbandasrnell — Whatdidwehit ° Didsomebodyyell ? Ajarandascream — Itlookedhkea-hoTse . Notellingnow, Keep to the course. • • • Announced that the present recent annual examination of candidates for the police force, 28 offered and 14 passed. The small number that passed is easily accounted for. The subjects of which the wretched victims had to have a knowledge included' the Gaming and Lottery Act, Justices Summary Jurisdiction Act, Licensing Act, and a few other triffles of that kind. If they only added' the Factories Act to that little lot, the police syllabus would be both comprehensive and excruciating. But what's the good of a policeman being taught the terms of any Act in this progressive country? By the time he has succeeded in mastering any particular Act, Parliament is bound 1 to have passed half-a-dozen amendments to it, if it hasn't wiped it out or re-mode'Hed it altogether. Why not draw our policemen from the ranks of the lawyers ? • • • Dr. Talmage used to tell a story of a man from the West, who, on entering a New York cafe for the first time, was handed the menu,, which was handsomely bound iru morocco. "See here, mister," said the guest, "I don't want no litera-tooT ; I want victuals''" The story was recalled the other day when Anna, the maid at a city _ residence, asked her mistress's permission to give the soup bones to' Jack, the collie dog. "Is there any nourishment in soup bones p " the mistress asked. Anna smiled at her simpjlicity and ignorance of dogs. "Why, mum, Jack doesn't want nourishment, " she said, "he only wants food."

events, but it is an open question whether the Wellingtoai Centre will foot the bill. If they do, it will not bo put through without some causfcic comment thereon.

A unique, though regrettable, incident, which occurred on the Biougham Hill Tennis Courts last Saturday, shows how highly-strung and curious some alleged sportsmen are. The incident occurred during the Pennant fixture, "A" v. "B." Young Edwards, with an unbeaten record, was getting a bad run in his single with Lawrence, and immediately he leahsed the possibility of defeat commenced 1 to behave, in an unsportsmanlike manner. A cup of tea had been brought to the club's hard- working secretary, who took occasion to have a few sips when changing sides, but, after all other means had failed, Edwards strongly objected to the tea racket, and began to construct the proveibial mountain from the mole-hill • » ■» By that time he was visibly annoyed, ajid when the crisis was reached at 5—2,5 — 2, Lawrence was playing so well that he must have taken the set without the slightest difficulty. Edwards then adjourned, and announced his intention of defaulting "unless Lawrence knooked off drinking," and agreed to recommence the set ' Rather a tall order. Needless to say such a proposition was unheard of, and the lad received no encouragement in his feather-brained action. However, he refused to continue, and the set had to be awarded to his opponent. The club snould now adopt a line of action which will in future delegate him to a *>edestal on the bank, or a glass-case. This course is absolutely necessary, inasmuch as there is no guarante-e that the circumstances will not be repeated on a foreign court. • • • The "Eltham Argus" has taken hold of Mrs. Pember Reeves by the- ear, so to speak, and is serving out _ big measures of its opinion, of her opinions. It appears that Mrs. Pember Reeves, wife of the New Zealand High Commissioner in Londoni, recently gave an address at Home on "Women's Suffrage in New Zealand." The "Argus" says that Mrs. Reeves did not stay long enough in New Zealand after the passage of the Act to speak with any particular authority regarding its results. So that presumably, she owes the aforesaid "Argus" am apology for having the neck to express an opinaon sA all. • • • But poor Mrs. Pember Reeves didn't pull up et that stopping-place. She went on, to say that "Idle women of fiashiioni are hardly to be found in New

Zealand." And that is just where she made a hash of things, and got the "Argus" up on its hind legs. Said Extham paper thus paws the. air oil the subject — "If that were really the case it would be a good thing for New Zealand. But it is not the case. New Zealand has a very full supply of 'wile women of fashion,' whose whole time is occupied with the fripperies, and follies of fashionable life, who. shirk the responsibilities of maternity and spend their whole lives in a heated pursuit of pleasure. • • • "Doctors, lawyers, and nurses in some of the larger cities in this Dominion could tell some spicy stones concerning New Zealand fashionable life — and so could the abortionists, who nourish like the green bay tree." There has been some talk about recalling the Hon. the High Commissioner from London, in order that he might make himself acquainted with conditions of life in the new Dominion). Will the authorities please send a wireless message to the High Commissioner's wife to "come at once; she's wanted." • • • Napier is becoming absolutely metropolitan in. its journalism. Take this, m a Napier paper .— ' 'A large marine animal got into difficulties et the wharf at the Nortih British and Hawke's Bay Freezing Company's works, Westshore Napier, tides good ; sea heavy swell, indications rain." No doubt the marine animal, which appeared to be an imported "heavy swell" — presumably from Horne — felt the hot w eather so much that he desired to be frozen. Whether the "heavy swell" marine animal will ever turn up in the guise of potted (Mother Careys) chicken, cannot be ascertained, and what this gentleman had to do with the state of the tides is still in doubt. Still, it's a good par. • • » Then, take this one from the same source — "Captain Edwin wired iut noon yesterday • Easterly, stroinig winds to gale; glass fall slowly after sixteen hours . dealt witlh in tlhe S.M Court." This is evidently a Wellington wire, and the presumption is that Dr. McArthur dealt with the. prisoner. It is not stated what hie Worship did with Mr. Gale, but the fact that Mr. Gale appears to have let the glass fall after sixteen hours is a slight indication that he was a very rorty oH gale indeed.

The proprietor of a cheap restaurant in, Melbourne, says the "Australasian," is a man with fads. He troubles much more about the morals and maniiers of his employees than about their efficiency. When a new cook was requured for the establishment one of the waiters suggested that ia friend of his who had once cooked foir shearers should apply far the job. "It doesn't matter whether you can cook oir not," he explained, "so long as you are down, on horse-racing, gambling, drinking, and all that sort o' thing." • • • The applicant bare the advice in mind, aoid his impeachment of the turf and the hotel when questioned on. those points were so virtuous and 1 virulent that he was given a chance. On the day he commenced duty it chanced that the proprietor was the first to give an order. He pulled aside the trap-door and shouted, "Mulligatawny, one'" "Did he!" exclaimed the new cook with sudden interest. "Do you know what finished second?" Within, forty-eight hours he was told that his ignorance of racing was not sufficiently • dense to excuse his ignorance of cookery. • • • A new and profitable use has been discovered for skimmed milk in Germany. The milk is freed from water, and, after undergoing a process of vulcanisation, is subjected to a heavy pressure The product is a substitute for rubber, and sells at from Is lOd to 3s 9d per Ib. But fancy waterproof milk being sold at a pro,fit' Wellington milkmen will never believe it. • • • Many enthusiastic supporters of amateur athletics in Wellington/ do not think kmdly of Captain Batchelor, who declared Harry Kerr tx> be incapable of winning the three-mile walking championship of New Zealand, at the recent meeting at the Basin Reserve. But insult has been added to injury as far as the Wellington Centre of the New Zealand Amateur Athletic Association is concerned. According to the conditions governing the meeting the profits are to be equally divided between the head body and the local one, and the Wellington people have been asked to foot a bill for Captain Batchelor's expenses, included in which is an llem of £2 5s for steamer fare. The usual return fare between Lyttelton and Wellington is £1 15s, deck cabin 10s extra. Seemingly an ordinary saloon cabin was not good enough for the appointed judge* of the walking