Entre Nous.

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 298, 17 March 1906, Page 12

Entre Nous.

WHAT with ghosts, noxioub we ids, inspectors, and wild bulk, tlie life of a resident in the boggy backblocks is a constant tragedy. Th.it> wail is from Cromwell. Note well the last sentence : — "Several people have been chased by a wild bull that is running between Cromwell and the Kawarau Gorge within the last few weeks, and one le&ident has had several encounters with the brute, and hao put a couple of charge* of shot in his legs. If me is not lemoved at once, the police should take some action , otherwise, someone will be kJled. The owner should certainly to it at once. as anyone would be quite justified in shootmg him." It is a little severe that a man should be shot because he owns a bull They pretended to set the D.I.C. on fire on Tuesday, just to show what sort of a chance «m incipient conflagration had with a modern sprinkler. The crowd gathered round and held its breath, while people, piled shavings and things in the goods entry. Captain Hugo, two firemen, one inspector of police, one sub-inspector, one policeman, a tram driver, two artists, two dogs (that f ought, as usual), and the British public saw the mass fired. "S'posin. 3 the sprinkler won't, sprink!" said a man. The flames rolled up to the roof, the plus melted, and the delude beean, the fire-alarm rang, the police stuck out its chest, and the people faintly cheered "Tt's. out '" said someone. "You're right !" said a fireman. "Cornea n a vadxink !" exclaimed the cowd •=inrultaneously to each other, "Give you best'" remarked the blue dog to the black, and it was all over. An M H.R. for one of the Canterbury districts can use his fists briskly. He did it to some purpose a week or two ago upon in 'nd'screet politician who had abused him and the rest of the Seddon party in language of purple hue, at th*© door of a hotel, and refused apologise for his abuse. The M.H.R. waited for a day to let his blood cx>l. and then reipeated hm request ftp- an apology. On it beine aerain refused he invited' the man of unruly tonorue to give him satisfaction on th" swswdl around the corner. * * * The abuser accepted 1 the invitation gaily, unaware that his opponent had •had the name of a bruiser at school. When next seen , he bad 1 a pair of eyes in mourning, and sundry inches of cour f -plaste"- doing duty upon hv» cheeks. There is talk of cros=-prosie-cutions, and lively court proceedings. That nimble-fisted member should be a valuable asset to his party when next the Opposition begin to cry out abuse about "dumb-dogs." and' the like

Confidence men tried a peculiarly mvemle dodge at Wangamu the other day. A well-dTessed man went into a local second-hand dealei's shop, and expressed a debire to purchase a gold watch On being mf aimed that gold watches did not at that moment form pait of the dealer's stock-in-trade, the nun left, remaikng, "I'll call an ao-ain, as you may get one. About a coupe of hours later another welldies ed man di opped 1 into the same shop. "Do you l°nd money on jewellery?" he a,'ed. On receiving a reply in the negative, the mam became apparently annoyed. He explained that h° had been to the races, and, like many more, had invested not wisely bnt too mucl;, n.s a result of which he had run ehoit of money. • • • Of course he eouldi get plenty by wiring to Wellington, but he did not wus.li his people to know he was ''broke." However, if the deader wouJd lend him something on his watch it would tide him over hits difficulties. The dealer again pointed out that tins was "agin the law," whereupon he of the good clothes exclaimed, "Well, I don't want to part with the watch, but if you'll crive me a tenner for it you can have it. The dealer tested the watch, but discovered it to be of so brassy a nature that he could not persuade himself to deprive its owner of it for such a paltry sum as a "tenner." Stra.nsre to relate the first well-dressed caller has not put in his promised appearance yet. * * * Tale of a smart tradesman). A poor, but honest-looking, womain entered the shop of a New Zealand storekeeper a week or two ago, and bought groceries to the value of one and eightpemce half-penny. Entering into conversation with the man of sand, she> mentioned that -she was a childless widow, alone in the world. She could-n't read or write, and had that day received by the English mail some uapeTS. Were they of any value? She passed over to the grocer a "bearer" cheque for £1000 on a great English bank. ♦ * ♦ The grocer, appearing in the rode of a vsympathetic friend, told her that it certainly was worth something — in fact, he'd give her £50 for it. The poor, ignorant soul appeared to be highly delighted, and took the £50, in notes, thanked her kind friend, and left. She has not been seen since, and the grooer is d<uly punished. The cheque had been skilfully altered from, one pound to one thousand. "When Greek meets Greek then is the tug-of-war" — to seriously alter a common quotation. • • • They manage these things differently in Britain. This is a post-election notice from a Home paper • — "Notice, — On the occasion of the ire-election of Major Ratcliff for Burton by a majority of 1041, the firm wish to present all the workmen with a quart of strong ale on leaving work to-night, to drink his headth, and commemorate his success. Those who voted against Major Ratcliff, of course, will not think of applying for it. — Pn Charrington and Co. Ltd., Fred! Buxton." My vote and influence for a quart of strong ale.

Things observed at the reception to the All Blacks at the Town Hall last Friday : —Jimmy Duncan balder than ever — voice as thin as his hair. . Glasgow posed Liie a Sandow expert, or a footballer in a photograph. . . MacGregor hid behind Glasgow, and giggled most of the time. The tour has not made him a public sneaker — tooi busy scoring tries. . . Stead 1 looked thin and pale — possibility of having to make a speech to 2000 or 3000 people might have accounted for latter. His remarks were disjointed, but manly and sensible. On the whole, he speaks 50 per cent, better than the average public man. • * * The Mayor did not say what he had done athletically as a young man — serious ommission. . . Dressed otherwise, with a less vague thatch, the Bishop of Wellington would have looked every inch an "All Back"— his cloth put him under suspicion as one. . . Dr. Newman's remark that it seemed that the team had taken his advice, and only poured soda water down their neoks, appeared to be somewhere near the mark. . . The Mayor's neglect, in not getting Maughan Barnett to play "See the Conquering Heroes Come" — Is he a surreptitious Welshman? . Neil Galbraith had an attack of suppressed excitement, and! rather seemed to enjoy it. . . The aching void created by the absence of Wallace, Roberts. and 1 Manager Dixon. • • • Quaint Australian constable. A bookmaker at some races gathered up his cash, and 1 "welshed." The oomstable followed fast, caught him, handcuffed him, brought him. back, paid out the money to the people with tickets, and ran him in. He had no tickets himself. • • • It seems that if you hang up your hat in a hotel, and the hat mysteriously dteappeais, and in its place reposes a battered "tile" of the "tramp" brand. you can sue the publican, and get a new hat. A ca&e of such a kind was heard m Stratford, and went to the hat-loser. The obvious conclusion is that the hotel-keeper or some of his servants should camp in the passage and shoo hat-lifters away. On the other hand, the best way not to lose a hat is to go without one. • • • The question of the liability for a hung-up hat is an interesting one. Every hat we have lost has been either lost overboard from a boat, out of a train, or at a church conference. How on earth a parson gets misled into taking a journalist's hat is the biggest surprise, for such a hat is usually not new. Another point is, that while a man and his goods are on railway trauis, the Government or company to which the train belongs- is liable. Obviously, the Government owes us several hats. Several steamship companies owe us other hats. An armed party will be on hand to receive hats for one month from date.

, Did you hear about the great punching match between the tram-conductor and the Corporation Pet? First round the Pet, looking a trifle white, but in fairly good nick, took his opponent toocheaply. The conductor, with a deft movement of the right, punched carelessly, but left a mark on the face of bhe Pet. A passenger supported the Pet. Nobody supported l the conductor. Thereafter, the conductor administered a perfect hail of punches, in which the Pet stood absolutely no chance. The passenger called time — hours, days, minutes, years. • • • It was of no avail. The comduictor, scorning Marquis of Queensbury rules, punched below tihe belt, countered, cross-coiuaitered', upper cut, gouged, and finally demoralised has pale-faced' op-~ ponent. An immense crowd — the conflict took place on an Island Bay ear — numbering a hundred souls, watched the unequal conflict with' great interest. Mamy heartless people laughed at the fearful punishment inflicted. The conductor, with the one remark, *|I think he's had enough!" passed his opponent over to the care of a passenger, and the passenger heartl easily threw tihe beaten Pet overboard, where he fluttered to the ground; — a mangled sixpenny refum ticket. » • • Mr. James Doyle (Oh, the muscle of him!) chatted interestingly of thingsat th 3 Fire Brigade spree. Said chat when the Lance hadn't got an emperor or a bishop or anybody of extensive importance to draw, it drew him. Said also that we made him too "tubby" — a sort of barrel that knew not physical culture. Referred to our Friday effort — chaste, salmon-pink cover, price threepence at all booksellers — as that "br.ight, smart paper whose wit is - always keen but never stings," and made us'fep] good. Although Mr. Doyle is an early riser — usually runs half-a-mile before breakfast to keep himself from eietting fat, and l sayiag "Beiworry!" — he ?ets up an hour and a-half earlier on Friday morning;, in order to snatch the first available Lance. Our eye is brimming o'er with gratitude for that ad., Jim! • • • A man, obviously new to colonial life and ambitions, last week walked into a local restasrant which has had no new menu cards printed' for several months, and sat down at » table. When the waitress approached, he gave the ordter "Bring me a plat© of flyspeck?." The girl hesitated! a moment, and then walked! straight to the proprietor and reported. The proprietor went straight to the stranger, and, in his most dignified manner, said: "What was it you desired?" "I asked fo>- a plate of fly-specks," said the guest. "We dont serve them," saidi the proprietor, with hauteur. "Well, then," grumbled the guest, "why don't you take them off the bill of fare." Wit& that he handed) the proprietor a piece of ink-e.raser, rose, and drifted 1 out for ever.

"Phosphorus Jack" is either in the Manawatu, or he isn't. Some people say he is, which is enough for all purposes. A lady, crossing the street the other day, fainted dead away when "Phosphorus Jack" appeared — the ghost being an elusive piece of waste paper blown by the sportive wind. Many people were in a street. A loud report, and a brilliant flash happened. The ciowd stampeded. It wa. an acetylene lamp bursting. A 'ady, who was not frightened attacked a scarecrow with a broom-handle, and made it deader man over Paper* up that way say that they hope the white-sheeted persons up theie may be struck dead pretty quickly, or be killed by grho=tnunters. • • • Abo. cases rre "iven wh^re wompn in indifferent bea'th havp b^en yiured by frieht* caused either bv irlnots with <=he*ts on or th Q *hon<rht of tV-em An old pl->a« was. it i« <=a,id c~"fronted with "Phopr,h-r"= Tn<* " The ol<* aentleT"- 1*!1 *! had a, weapon — a bottle ot be^r He le+ dr^e. "- T^-" <-u~M th«> hm-tlinor mi«= ye "^ hi 4 " "n 4 " to' some r."ie<- "'ac° wTi°' 1Q co"M n-T-Vr over +he kind"^"= of tW> fhr^-er • ♦ * Potatoes are potatoes now-a-days. spuds are bog orange*. and lush apples are murphies. The who Vale Wellington fVms dealing with the tuber are out with a crcular to retailers The circular says that the p^gue has so badly affected 1 the potato supply that the firms will not be responsible for bad tubers, will not make them good, and will, i' 1 fact, take no risks of any kind. That is to say. all the firms 'tell all the retailers: "You have to take what we eive you, or none at all. You have to p-vy our price, because you cannot sret any anywhere else." ' The wholesalers are thu«=i able to buy any old plaguey lot of potatoes, and) dump them 01 to the retailers, who are asVed' to bear the. loss when the ho^ewiv~« r a4 oi*e to take wi f h 61b 0"+ of 1 2 1 b "ufit for consumption. The wholesaTers, of course, should refuse bad 1 potatoes from the ? row»'s. fr"t the fact "^ems to be thit tn°<v have. bought u^ all the aya^b'e crop 15 ehe oT °" without examination and are abt>n+ to n^Ve a W ri*e bv selling vep-^tables that are fitter food for the des+ructor than for the cifzen • • * He was an auctioneer on bis first sale. He was selling an arm-chair among other articles offered under a distress warrant. He had got the /bids up to "nine bob," and was repeating, in staccato* accents, "Have you all done? Going; at nine bob! It's yours at nine! Now, then, there! Who knows but what there might be millions of pounds sewed up in the cushions! Goini? at nine bob'" "Ten' came a throaty voice. "Ten!" he replied. "Ten has it! Going; at ten! All done? Goinig— going ! Gone! It's yours, sir!" he said, looking towards the voice. But, the parrot merely hung by its beak to the perch in its cage and said never a word more. Somebody laughed. Then, with a savage frown, t^e auctioneer sold the bird for two and ninepence! • • • You want to be careful how you step in the country districts of New Zealand. Look out for gey=ere and mudholes. There are no SxKun.es, but, if the story told of a Dannevirke party is true, snakes a"c a small circumstance. A thunderstorm arrived as they were proceeding through the bush. They took shelter under a tree. Suddenly the pir was full of a > c mell stron^ei than the effort of a motor car. Th? party fell down, and remained dWn for some minutes. When they recovered, a little geyser wrs blowing off at their feet and t.ie inside of mother earth rumbled like a pebble in an oil-drum. The r>arty was too frightened to inspect the hole and, as they had 1 no more whisky, they went home. • • ♦ Some of those ghost jokers 111 the country are getting their deserts. The joke was against the ghost in this instance. The practical joke-r's name was Dan, and he readied himself up for the occasion, and laid in wait out 011 the hills for two friends whom he knew were out that way. It was the intention of the clever one to scare the approaching two, but he did not count on the latter being armedl with loaded gums. When the wraith presented himself, both men aimed their weapons v at "Dan," and were in the act of downing him, when Dan realised his perilous position, and, with handfs. up and shrieks of "I'm Dan! I'm Dan!" fell down in a faint. • • • It took some time to bring him back to a state of convalescence. Thus Dan discovered that pjayimg ghost is not the game it is cracked! up to be, and he counts himself lucky not shuffling off this mortal ooil. The others smile, and aver it is nothing short of a miracle there was no funeral. AU the ghosts in that part of the country have since lain quiet in their shrouds.

A touglmh blackberry yam is going round. A settler aveis, appaiently without qualms of conscience, that he cleared away all the brambles from hus propeity, grubbed them, and burnt the heap. Ju&t on© piece was left, clinging to the barbed-\\ ire fence, but, as it wa& severed three, "feet from the ground', he looked upon it as done for. This was six months ago, but that longlived bramble, without loot or other connection with the ground, has this season put forth leaves and blossoms. and has yielded h.s children _ a _ tidy crop of fruit. As a fructifying influence, barbed-wire takes a lot of befeting. • • • A propos of ''c.aste" m Wellington, a man with an observant eye says that the girl who does shorthand and plays on a typewriter won't be seen talking to a mere clerk. She reaches for her

•smeihn' bottle when she passes a sales-lady. And the sales-lady throws a fit it a milliner speaks to her. And the milliner, if she gets into a factory department by mistake, ourls up on the fiom, and hollers for tne police. And the factory girl, when she sees a domestic servant sweep in' off a front step, why sho goes home in an ambulance, overcome with cerebro-spanal-menmgitis! ♦ • • The Marlb<y;ough "Express" on King Dick. — "What other Premier in the world could have wrapped up into one day, without losing a particle of his impre-siveaxea?-, a church-opening, a sermon on sectarianism, reminiscences of his vivit to the Pope, a full-drest. political speech, a lollie-scramble, and a horn !y about washuig-day ?" -^nd, having nothing more to say, we repeat, with vigour • What otlier" Premier ?