Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 247, 25 March 1905, Page 12

Entre Nous

IT isn't customaiv for Wellington people who dine in restautants to ' oav grace" before meat. Most people only have an hour for lunch anyhow. On the day pieceding tht> breaking-up of the Wesleyan Conference a clergyman fiom the Wairarapa took meat" at a Quay restaurant, and poultry was on the menu. A leasonable portion was placed before him by the landlady in person, who hovered momentarily around to brush the former luncher's crumbs from the spotless diaper, and all that sort of thing. As she hovered, the parson bowed his head reverently over the "good things." The landlady was incensed. "Oh, you needn't go sniffin' at it like that," she said. "That there fowl was only killed this mornin'i" And the parson said "Amen I" • • • A Northern widow wants to marry a motor-oai . That is to say, it is perfectly evident, from a published advertisement, that the possession of a motor-car is the "open sesame" to her second-hand affections. E/ead the widow's ad. — "Matrimonial. — -Widow, wiith pi operty, wishes to correspond with well-educated, middle-aged) Gentleman, wi good position, widower (with motor car). — Sincere," etc. In our mind's eye we see countless Auckland widowers with motor-cars breaking; them up with axes so that they shall not be elienble to play numbei two to a petrol- c mell'ng machine. * * » "You're charged that you did on the oneth of th's month entrap, ensnare, and decoy from the lawful custody of the poundkeeper, one quadruped, to wit am a«=s' bv subtle means, namely a piece of bread. Have you anything to say why sentence of death should not be parsed on you?" It happened this way. Lady's donkey strolline down the main street of a near-by town feasting oti the luxurious oasttire. Poundkeeper, with three, full-grown, muscular navvies, takes him in charge. f>nd leads him away. Aoritated female ow9v speeds forth with a chunk of b"-e«»rl wail>ne "Neddy'" Neddy down w i th hi,= head un with hiis heels. Three me-n anfl a poundkeeper ?ipread around. Lady a>ir? a,ss disappearing; over the hor^zo" T*n] r>e summons, -""-obable execution. Hornble '

One at the ancient pioneers of the wild West Coast, who signs his cheques wath aX, ha* pro^peiecl. oonbidexably, merely because he couldn't help it. His idea of a perfect holiday is to leave home, and for a month on two to live at the best hotel in the neighboring town. There is a hotel opposite, which is not the best. Last week he opened hit. heart and, instead of going to the town solus, he took his wife along. He ai ranged tor accommodation for himself at the swell hotel, and for his wife at the hotel which wat. not the best. The good lady, who wasn't exactly deooiative, but who had fought the battle of pioneer days equally w,ith the old man, meekly asked why he had goaie to the good hotel himself, and sent hei to the one that was- not so good. "Well, ye see, mi<-sus" he said, with great solemnity and so loudly that the nearby loafers could hear, "they're mighty particular folks at the Bull's Head and they don't give a hang who stays <it the Whig and Thistle." ♦ * * Those zealous police. Man in blue up North had been feasting his eagle eye on the suspicious movements of a peison who he concluded possessed a thnst highly immoial. Suddenly the person made a dive foi the bar of a hotel, and, called for a "big bottlerbeer!" The cork was drawn, and he had placed the business end to his lips when the policeman dashed up and confiscated it. In his opinion he had saved a mohibited person from sin. But the infuriated stranger at once Laid an information a-gainst the policeman for "assault and robbery," and proved that he wa-n't a prohibited; person at all. His unfortunate resemblance to a genuine prohibited one had led to the mistake. He has recovered the price of his "bottler beer" from his bleeding country, and the policeman feels small potatoes. Brewers keep a weather-eye lifted for the bawbees a"d e,ven the humble purveyor of cord'als comes back and reaps his bottle^ or charges twopence for them T^'s is about a five-gallon keg »f beer ordered bv a local citizen, who bngered over-long over its consumption. Biewer. overcome at so lone a er^ance from his little ban el. sent alone a note asking for the return of the keg and enclosing a bill for its value (10s). Citizen, angered, replied that lie wa n't a hog and might be given some time m which to consume the Liquor The brewer replied that the implied threat of the loss of the gentleman's viknble custom ' ia( 3 r>lunged him into the deepest denthis of dark despair, and, <-f> far from believing him to be a hog there wn^but a faint suggestion that he wa«i "a pig in a potato patch." The despair could only be removed 1 bv thp 'etur" of his long-lent barrel and he bAorged to remain etc. Smce which fho. Htize-i has obtained hiis beer in a iug

Ternble tiagedy m the country. Larrikins s,ti etched a wiie across a road. (jdme along a pardon, wliowai "yparkmg" with his. beat girl. Pardon hit the Wire, and sprawled, tearing his garments. He retired into the bush with the young lady, who supplied l pins in order to hook his burst garments together. Came along a f aim-hand,, aLo with a girl. He hit the wire, and sprawled. Parson's girl thought it was funny, and tittered. Farm-hand heard the titter, charged in the diiection of the laugh, and 'welted seven bells" out of the parson. When he found out that it was the very parson who was to tie him up to the girl of his heart the day after to-morrow, he wanted 1 to make it up, but the paison said a naughty word, and will see him — bothered first. • * * Whangarei asked King Dick the other day for a new gaol, seeing that the present one was not fit to "put a pig in." Note the guile of Richard 1 as he replied that, as Whangarei was about the most spotless place on earth, it didn't want a gaol. A person who was< not at once struck by hghtninp- iziterposed that all the bad egejs came from the South, and Dick countered by saying that if the Southerners knew that the gaol wasn't fit for a pie; they'd stay away, which is an eminently pleasant way to avoid givine Whangarei people what their souls desireth. The deputation was Derfectly satisfied to keep the old gaol. • * * They have been fighting the question of pay to South African troops in New South Wales. Ex-soldier claimed a good round sum, setting out that he was entitled as quarteirmaster-sergean/t to 4s 6d a day Imperial pay, as well as 10s a day colonial pay, during his service. The State Government thought otherwise. Mr. Justice Prang and a jui~y of four gave judgment for the exsoldier foi the full amount claimed. The Staite Government appeaJed to the Full Court, the case occupied a g;reat time in hearing, and the appeal of the Government was dismissed. The Government then took it to the Privy Council, and as might be expected', the law Lords gave a verdiot in favour of the Government. So, of course, the hundreds of ex^soldiers who were "going for" the Government won't vo now. The case has special interest in New Zealand, as a similar idea as to the double pay existed here. • » Australian doctors have been agaai callaug attention to the danger of using one cup for all mouths at oommunaon. Some delegates' at a recent Australian Methodist conference spoke creepily of dripping moustaches, and cancer, and all that sort of thing. Remands, us of the cup ot oommunasm, though not necessanlv of communion, in some savage lands. For instance, the Kaffirs in Africa don't usually have any disease in their natural state, but they drink beer from the same cup. What is more interesting is that the maize from w r hich the beer is made is crushed bv the ladies of the commune. They sat solemnly round a common bowl and chew the "mealies," expectorating: the result into the said bowl. When enoueh has been thus crashed", it is- set to ferment, and the whole of the people — men women, and children. — partake thereof. They all sret villainously drunk, and it is then that the worst crimes are committed.

A lemarkable coincidence. A wellaretesecl w omaa was sitting in a restaurant toying with, a cake in a Southern, town uiot weeK, and woie one of those big gold bangles. In the act of brushing crumbs oft her lap the bangle slid ott, and rolled across the floor to the feet of another woman. She politely picked it up, and tripped acio-s to lestore it. On the w aj , however, she had a good look at it, and did not restore it. There was something of a scene, and the person of the bangle threatened to call m the, police. "Very well, then," said the other woman, "we'll wait for the police." The police were rung up. The lady who had picked up the bangle then, gave the lady who had dropped it in charge! She ultimately proved that the bangle, together with over a hundred pounds' worth of jewellery, had been stolen by one of her servants, twenty years ago. The identity of the well-dressed woman with that servant was established, and she is now undergoing sentence m Lyttelton gaol. Truth is a heap strane-er than fiction. ■* t- \ 'Ob, do pick me borne of those darling yellow nowers." Thus a touring English lady to an InveroangiH man. Next station he picked some, and also brought a root. Lady arrested, and is to be cx — oused. The nowers were the famous ragwort, which nourishes so luxuriantly on countless miles of Government land down South. There are Government weeds enough there to sow all the farm lands in New Zealand and to get an aggregate fine of ten million pounds imposed on the settlers of the colony. Latest project is for the connection' of Australia and Britain by railway 1 London "Daily Express" prints details otf scheme. Sea gap* English Channel, Straits of Malacca and Sunda, and a short sea passage from Dutch East Indies to Australian coast. Proposed route. London, Vienna, Moscow, Merv, Peshaww, Caloutta, Chittagong, Mandalay, Rangoon, Singapore, Java, Port Darwin, Melbourne , distance, 12,150 males, estimated time on the way, twenity-eight days — about the same as usual. It promises to be the largest sample of white elephant in history, but, of course, the scheme is very much m the clouds now, and will probably be there in, fifty years' time, or about the year Mr. Seddon is thinking of appointing a vice-regent. • •* * As has already been remarked, the dog that is run over by a dray i>> a pedigree aa.mal ; the horse that bolts, and breaks his neck is always a "valuable" one , and moot kind^i of stock dying a violent death aie worth twelve tames the amount the owner ever gave for them. A propos, a, "bloodt-horse" disappeared from the stable of a man, nlofo far distant about a year ago. The cwneir gave it up as hopelessly lost. He reckoned the animal was a Ringbolt — Spanker colt, but the reward he offered for its recover^ was £1 only. Very well, then. The horse wandered! into the old stable last week, and was found, munohine at the manger of the owner. But another fellow turned ud. and! claimed the "valuable animal." He had boueht a set, of harness in the Wairar rapa for 12s 6d. "and they chucked the Iwsein." Sti" there's going tobe« lawsuit over five shall ingsworth. of bones wrapped up in a hide.

A propos of the remark of School Inspector Stiachan, of Marlborough, that "the pesMiru&ni of Australian poetry is unwholesome and pagan," it won't do any haim to give a few extracts from wholesome, elevating, and optimistic poems scattered through a New Zealand school-book used for the enlaghtenr ment of small boys and git Is. Enlivening for the kiddies to read for a start "He knew that all was over He knew the child was dead." Also, the blind gii 1 lamenting : ' That thu*> I weep and sigh." How optimistic the infant of eight must feel when he reads "For all the people of the earth weie drowned because of disobedience." Then follows "Little Willie," who went to "a. workhouse grave '' And "The Orphans," who cry thiough twenty-four verses "pour encouiager le- autres." Immediately sucoeedang this delightful readuig. we learn that a little boy was drowned "Oh. will the warm blood' ever tinge those lind lips again?" This takes foity-eight verses to explain, and is enough to make a whole school weep for a month. Also, it isn't poetry. * * * After this, a father and his child cry through four thick vers.es> because the motlher is dead. Over the leaf we are made gay by learning that the mother's child had just daed, and the mothei immediately followed suit 'But she was dead — her heart had broken, with her song." Then come* "The Dying Boy," "The Graves of a Household I ,"' "The Wieok," "The Little Shroud," "The Dying Child" — another kiddy who went to heaven to find dewdrops. Not content with filling the mind of the child with these moibid horrors, the authorities lasist that he shall now lecite "The Blind Mother." * * » Over-leaf, a soldier man gets buned, pei bayonet. Another mother perishes in a snow-storm soon after. Having now got the pupil in a state of mental horror, the next thing he learns is "The Little Boy That Died." Again, in the next page, is "The Blind Deal-Mute." Hoiror on horror! As an appiopiriate conclusion to a book which should 1 be at otroe buint at the stake, "The Hour of Death" is given. A public servant who piefers this "optimistic" verse to any other kind should camp in a charnel house and play five-stones with knucklebones. * * * He is a nice young man, with bright golden hau and) lovely blue eyes, and some of his very best chums are the sons of a widow who is still charming. Somehow or other mamma is always on the spot when golden-hair pops up to talk cricket or football. Whether she concluded that the lingering hand-shake he awarded her on two occasions was heart-dictated, or that the Liquidity of the blue eyes mirrored the sooil's adoring, he knows not, but it seems certain that the lady treasured! a silk handkerchief he left behind, and saw a lady seer about it. The seer told her that the possessor of the silk-handkerohief was in love with a loving young widow with auburn hair and grey eyes, and her heart thrilled out the message, "It is I." * * * The young man called again to have a yarn with his chums about the late cricket match, and the three boys stuck him up. and asked him what he meant by trifling with the young affections of their mamma. Golden-Jhair remarked that "she was a nice, kind' old lady." whereupon the widow bounced into the room, and a warm quarter-of-an-hour ensued. He hasn't visited the house since, but he is of opinion that a legacy left him by a leoenrtly-deoeased Australian uncle may be wanted to reT>air the shattered fortunes of fehe family to which his ex-chums belong » * * It i& difficult to believe, when one sees our intensely respectable City Council en route to a bun fight, attired in bell-toppers, that the wearing of the polished nail-keg a hundred years ago was an offence. An old record tells us that a man was charged with "committing a breach of the peace and inciting to not, in that he had on the morning ot January 15th, 1797, walked down the public highway wearing upon his head what he called a silk hat — a tall stiucture, having a shiny lustre, calculated to frighten timid 1 people." They only excite ridicule now-a-days. * * * The fact that an American ha:r aitist has put up his pole at Rotorua remindw a scr.be that in the late mne^es the only tonsonal artist in Rotorua was a bu^bman whose shaving dish was the palm of his hand, and whose lazorwas a huge weapon, something; like a mccc of hoop iron. The mirror was of microscopic proportions, and was scaned, snowing the re«ult of many years' wear and te^r. The easy chair was a candlebox, the suppo-t to the back being the shape of the bushman's strong arm wlrcfli grabbed the patient as if he were n sack of flour ecoine up a rough track. Many a verdanfc tourist with a soft face remembers to his sorrow the bush barber of Rotorua, who=e "saloon" was opposite the Grand Hotel.

Dowie's disciples are having an improving time up the ime. Some ot them struck Ashhurst, and Ashhurst reciprocated. The Dowieites egged the people on to Zion, and the people responded by "egging" them off liberally. Large, luxurious' basket® of ripe henware were obtained from, various parts, and it is a remarkable fact that New Zealanders are amongst the world's best shotb with these missiles. Dowie's d'Lsciples were delighted at the pi oof of their popularity, but didn't stop to shake hands with each of the audience. Evidences of the people's 'hr^h" affection splashed around them all down the street. • * • Old notion^ die hard. In old biblical times the people were smitten with piaqrues because of their sins, or something of that kind. A New South Wales parson a week or two ago preached a stiirmg sermon, m which he proved that the bubonic plague, of which there are one or two cases in Australia, was sent because the people were wicked. The people dadn't seem to mind much, but when the cleaners-up were looking for bubonic rats, and the only one they could find was in the pan-son's house, they began to think that the plague was a discriminating circumstance after all. * * * The Australian cricketers seemed to possess cuoketinw bags of extraordinary dimensions and terrific capacity. To the onlooker they appeared to be eight feet long and four feet deep. As they filed off the field subsequent to having been very nearly beaten by New Zealand (What are you grinning at? 1 * they stiuggled manfully with their huge sarcophagi. (< Wot ; s them " ungrammatically roared a small boy addressing his mate. "Them's the bags they're going to take to England !" explained the other boy. "Wot for?" "W'y, v' ijit, to- bnng the ashes back in, of course !" ♦ * # To the Editor, — Thanks, dear brother Free Lance, for drawing attention to the mysterious spelling of my name in your is«.ue of the 4th inst. You have removed a burden from my shoulders sufficient to sink a navy. I can see now that it had nothing to do with d^riepsia nor with the educational standards of Wellington even, but was simply a "slip of the hand" whilst putting on the paint. — Yours, etc., Fergus Ferguson-. ♦ * * Have you noticed that the people love to be led and governed l bv bis man — men of brawn and muscle, with, broad backs and ample waists? A writer on the other side on this topic <=ays — "Who are the real bis: men of Australasian politics? Reid. Forrest. Seddoni, Kingston. Bent, Barton — all four-teen-stoners, or over. And there is* no accident about it either. These are the men of erreat vitality, andi more 01 less coarse fib-re, who put on beef because they don't fret, and whose nerve<= are well eniouieh padded to stand thp la.rs of political life." We hope the<=p remarks will not tend to maike Willie Tustin nndulv nervous in contesting thp mayoralty of Karon. There are exceptions to every rule, you know.

Delightful example of the efficacy of a mere comma from a "well-informed" countty daily. — "While Mr. Ogle waa inside two young pigs in, the conveyance began to squeal."