Enter Nous

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 113, 30 August 1902, Page 14

Enter Nous

TOUCHING that lecent appointment ot Sn Henrj Noiman, who now waves one ot the \eiv few British field majshals' batons, a "\\ elbngton man tells us that Sir Henry was a tair type ot the nascible old-turn-mStinet Sn Henry at one time was a churchwaiden of a chinch in Cheltenham, and, in handing lound tne plate one Sunday, he accidently stepped and fell against another faeiy old Anglo-Indian, yclept Colonel Holmes The Colonel at once lose, and smote his superior hip and thigh. The se - ect autocratic crowd in that chuieh were pained to observe two white-w hisi,eied extiemely red-faced, mihtaiv gentlemen engaged in a ding-dong bout of fisticuffs, while the "collection ioiled down the aisle. Nothing w as evei said about the incident as the officeis were not common clav, but the fact lemains and is stated for the first time * * * A solemn County Council sat a w eek or so back in a certain near-by village, and decided that the engineer should l report as to the capacity of a ceitain Ggeto carry traffic It matteied not that a traction engine was at that moment sticking out of the mud of the creek belou the bridge, to-rethei with the greater portion of the said budge The Engineer, having made a snecia iourney to the bridge, came back, and reported that, in his opinion the bridge 3d not stand traffic and the council passed a resolution to that effect, and aS was 1O y, and peace, and -erfect amity Now, that they have been Sd that a twenty-five foot hole in a bridge impairs its usefulness, that Council shoukltry walking over it in the dark just to see if the engmeei was telling the truth. * -*• "^ Among other things, one of the lady prohibitionists, now touring New Zealand, is an ardent anti-tobacconist. In a Northern town, she related to ei audience how, with much patience and womanly tact, she had, after twenty yea?,, wooed and won her husband from the wiles of Lady Nicotine. She told her audience that so overjoyed wa s she when her efforts were ci owned with success that she threw her arms round her husband's neck and kissed him And a smoker at the back who had breathlessly listened foi the finale eiaculated ferventlv, "Seive him right too'"

Some little inaccuracies crept into a L\nce pai about Mr Glen, the Corporation head gardener. He was formerly head gardener for Earl Fitzwilliam not Clanwilham, as stated ,and the start was composed of forty trained men. The Earl's seat at Wentworth, and is the largest dwelling - house in England. Visitors are warned to bring thiee hats, so that they mav not be at a loss should they mistake the entrance bv which they came The burly Glen is a powerful-looking Scotsman, who has been a gardener all his life. * * * He graduated with the Marquis of Tweeddale and the Earl of Wemvss. He "gardened" for two Lord Lieutenants of Ireland ,and he was head gaidener for eight years with Mr. Donald Larnach brother of the head of the Bank of New South Wales, and at Brambletvre he had a staff of twentyone men He finds it very difficult to get men m the colonies who are skilled gardeners, and he pathetically asks how he is going to show us a sample of "caipet bedding" with no plants, and with wharf labourers as assistants Of course, the> average coloniaJ would disdain to believe that there w as anything in poking holes in the ground and sticking plants in. but at Home a bov is expected to take seven veais' training before, he is deemed to be fit for working on his own account * * * A local scribbler tells a stoiv dealing with the great and gorgeous patent medicine advertisement. He was accosted by a working man of healthy aspect and horny hand. Did he want to earn £2 10s ? Did he what ? A newspaper man earn £2 10s at one fell swoop 9 You bet' Well, Messrs. Pillbox and Pestle, the eminent medicine man, had offered him £5 for a long-drawn-out testimonial, with special legard to symptoms, and the number of bottles, and if the scribe liked to draft him a testimonial he would share the proceeds with him. The world is waiting for that £5 of agony, and the medicine firm is w aiting for its profit on the outlay Can such things be 9 * ■* * There is no doubt that young colonial officers, who have hobnobbed with Imperial officers', have become imbued with the calm insouciance, or, to put it plainly, "cheek," of the Army aristocrat A lecentlv-returned officer, who, not so long ago, was a private, and who is now a very great swell indeed, picked up a friend in Willis-street, and, with superb nonchalance, issued the command to the cabby, "Royal Oak." Arrived there he waited in the cab without amsign of opening the door. Incensed he thrust his head out of the window, "I say, mv man, what the cloven hoof dy'e mean Why don't you get down and open the door?" And that cabbv, in sheer surprise, fell off his box, smartly opened the door, and stood, with hat in hand, until nature's nobleman was lost to sight.

Children are so ingenious' Tner e ]*> a baby of fairly recent date in a Wellington household, and the aunts ot the family have been taking their olive branches to view the hairless wonder One little chap, who viewed the atom with concern, and noticed nothing much but yell about it, asked auntie whv it screeched all ths time "Oh, the little love is cutting it® teeth, dear' ' "And did the little love cry like that when they was cutting its hair, auntie 9 * * * One of the quaintest things heard for some time is the tale about the swagmae who sauntered into a Southern homeistead, and asked for bread. Don't know what kind of a man the squatter was, but he laid an information that a madman had called on him, and demanded that an examination of his mental machinery should be made. The idea of a sane man asking for anything to eat from a New Zealand farmer. The man was found to be sane, of course, and was, immediately on his release "run m" again, for stealing turnips to to keep himself from starving. It is a great country, entirely. • • * Perhaps you have noticed the absurd fuss some ladies make of their dog pets. One of Wellington's "naicest" girls recently went to New Plymouth for a holiday. She took her darling, fluffy, little, watery-eyed, snapping poodle with her The o-uard came along, and politely explained that she could not take the dog into the carriage, but he would tie the sweet beast up in his van. The "naice" one indignantly replied that she would do it herself. She carefully tethered the poodle in the guard's van, and went back to bear the fearful suspense of doing without her best beloved as best she might. Arrived at her destination she questioned the guard. Was her dogsy-wogsy all right? The puard did not know. The car had been shunted at Marton. Of course the matter is in the hands of the police, but the dog is not — yet Muritai is fast becoming the Devonport 01 Manly of Wellington. Manv people are flitting across the Bay glad to get away from the dust of the city. There are at present twenty-three houses, either in course of erection or to be erected as soon as possible. The bloom upon the hitherto jaded countenances that have erone in for Muritai and ozone speaks for the health-giving properties of this beautiful trans-harbour resort At its uresent rate of progress, Muritai in a few years' time, will be one of the finest seaside pleasure resorts in the colony * * * The weekly tram yarn. Same old five o'clock car, same old crush of passengers same old misery , seats full, passage full, footboards full. A little woman and a large man got in at the Basin Reserve, and a young fellow immediately rose to accommodate die tired-looking female. Into the vacancy popped the large and beefy male. The youne fellow protested that he had risen for the lady. "Now, don't you come a hmterferin' between husband and wife," &aid the monster. And the meek little woman said never a word but hune on to a strap with one frail hand and supported a dozen pounds of groceries in the other. There are some really nice men in Wellington.

In the matter of an action for slander brought by one Florence Banks, against Thomas Kelly, and heard in the Supreme Court, at Wellington, on Tuesday. The twelve "good and true men" filed into the court to put in their work for their suffering country, and the business-like tones of the Registrar out the air with clear mcisiveness • "Gentlemen choosei your foreman." Then, unrose one of those twelve citizens, and spake "Your Honor, I moves that Mr. Shortt take the chair 1 " Sir Robert Stout really could not leave his seat for laughing, but if he had been physically capable, surely he would have vacated it at the modest request of the mover of the quaint motion. The court officers did their best to' quell the turbulent joy of an amused audience. * • • A recent Wellington episode Ting-a-ling — ling ! "Are you there?" "Yes!" "Will you send up three pounds of nice tenderloin steak to No. 20, Poneke Crescent?" "No Madam, I will not '" "Good gracious, you are very independent. Why ?" "This is the Free Lance office, Madam I" Ting-a-lmg-ling — ling. * * * He was a beautifully upholstered young man, just out from 'Ome, and the "son of a major-general in the British Army." That Poneke landlady took him into the bosom of her family, and descanted on the manifold charms of her youngest daughter, who really does look sweet when her curling pins are out for the evening. Of course, the landlady would wait for her little bit of rent "until the majorgeneral" sent out his next remittance. Then, mamma helped him all she could to win her sweet bud-like daughter, and the path of true love was strewn with horticultural prize-takers of preat magnitude. Ma gave him a couple of shillings' to take the bud to see the football match last Saturday. * * * Such a rough, horrid person loomed up on this occasion, and rudely hurled epithets of ruddy hue at him, demanded £2 12s 6d monies "welched" from him at a Botany Bay trotting meeting, when he used to "call the odds," and threatened him with a raging crowd. The bud went home alone, and now the general's son wants to find out a good way of getting a portmanteau out of a boarding-house which has proclaimed a siege. * • • A tale of Miramar. One of Wellington's most enthusiastic golfers has a friend. He was anxious that this friend should learn the game. Said friend was quite new to it. In fact, he had never seen it before. "You come out to Miramar with me, and I will explain it," he said. They went. Placing the ball on a little hillock, the enthusiastic golfer dramatically asked his friend to just watch him, and he would learn golf before he was much older. He poised his club in the air, made a terrific swipe, and missed. "Just watoh me." he said. The friend watched. No. 2 swipe. No. 1 effect. "You keep your eye glued on me, and learn golf," said the instructor. Rieht! No. 3 stroke same old effect. "I say," said the novice, "what is the little whit© ball for?"

Tun t.'le wafted upuaids bv the latest Southern zephyi A gentleman attending the theatie the othei ni^nc missed Ins hat Instituting inhumes, he traced his headgeai , and made tracks at once to lescue it He knorl - ed at the dooi ni the house that co"taaned Ins treasuied chapeau He behev - ed the gentleman lesident tbeie bad been to the theatre ' J Yes. the gentlem m who was a vomis; cmate ceitamh had turned p.ile and looked neivous Hats were duK exchanged, howovei and the bat-losei srenth questioned the parson as to his obvious r.en ousness 'Oil he said I had been to the theatie and I—l—I — I— thought von had been sent un bv^ tlie Billion to know the leason win In tlusedus of 10I121011S piobiem "hm VenK tiuth is stiangei than fiction The other dav a fan Welhnetonnn evidently m Treat distress of mind sought the adv ice of a local sohcitoi With main t("i% she declared that she had iea.«on to believe that her husband had been untiue to her and besought the lawvei's advice whether she should sue fora sepaiation or a divorce. The proof of his fickleness lav in seveial letters which she had found amongst his private na.pors and which she submitted foi the consideration of the lavvvei Certainly, the letters were veiy amorous. Thev bieathed scorching love in evei^ line Also they were signed by the husband without doubt Here was a, prettv kettle of fish. The distressed wife was volubly declaring that John had never given her any cause to doubt him until now, and was mvaiiablv a loving husband and father, when the solicitor suddenly spread the letters 111 front of him, and asked Did \ou obseive the date of these letteis 0 " The distressed wife replied that she had not. "Then," said the lawyer they are dated fifteen veai^ ago." The woman gasped, scanned them anxiously and then exclaimed "Well I declare What could I have been thinking about 9 It's some of his old love letters to me I have found " And so it was But she has not told John vet of the visit to the lawyer or his nariow escape from the receipt of a w nt for divorce In these days of wage fights between niastei and man, when men think enough of the master to make him presents, the fact is worth chronicling Mr. G. E. Humphries, his employees, and. some friends of both, foiegathered the other night, at Godber's to sav how fond thev were of one another, and the emploj^ees sprang a surprise on G Vj. by giving him a silver watch and a eold chain. It is unnecessary to sav that thev had &< good time, and that Mr. Waldron was chairman, or to mention anything else that is usually said, whether it was so or not. The baie fact of the unusualness of that kind of present is the reason of this mkshed. Awful to read of so many cases of theft bv recently-returned New Zealand soldieis We are mainly creatuies of habit however, and it is really hard, when for months, one has been used to looking on anything that one can annex as one's own, to be confronted with ndiculous laws that preclude the leo-al-itv of takms anything that is not -ours

A Mataura smribe, w ho feels hurt at the constantly-made allegation that soldiering unfits the youth of New Zealand for what he calls "graft," mentions the fact that a certain young warrior thereaway has conquered three hundred acres of ploughing with his own share this season. That is nothing to the acreage of Boer crop the same young man could destroy w ith a single match Wanganui has a mystery. It is a wild woman, who upstarts at unpleasant periods, gives elfin shrieks, and disanpears into the sandhills. Most of the Wanganui "sports" are out after the lady, but they arrive just in time to see her back hair floating m the wind over the top of the distant sierras. At least that is what Wanganui savs There is no evidence that anv resident of Wanganui has left her home, or that Wanoranui has decided for prohibition, or anything of the kind. • • * Temuka has its silly moments, apparently Somebody rushed into that buddine metropolis the other day, and said a whale of terrific pioportaons was stianded away down at Opihi Everybody left his shop in chaige of the general public and rushed all the \ehicles available Drivers of the said ehieles charged big fares, did a roaring trade put a,nv old box on wheels into commission and kept a boy running to the: bank with bullion Such a passenger trade had not been done in ears There wasn't any whale, but a hverystable proprietor, who has not been doing too well lately, and who invented the leviathan has tided over those bad times. Be careful how you use a handkerchief A man in Victoria burst one of his eves while violently blowing his nose You lemember of course the case of the singer who broke his collarbone while taking a high note? * * * Quong Tart, the Sydney Chinese merchant, who was knocked down and robbed of £20 the other day, is the only Chinaman in Australia who is a "Mandarin of the Peacock Feather of the First Class " Quong moves in the upper circles in Sydney, his name figures in all public subscription-lists, and he does not touch the vegetable industry. Once Quong stood for the New South Wales Parliament, but, w'lien some humourists "put up" King Bill, the aboriginal monarch, to contest the seat, Quong retired from the contest.

The old salt can tell a story, and. in the interval at the Opera House the other night, he sprung this on to an unsuspecting crowd who were hanging on his utterances "Sharks? Why what d'you know about sharks?" he queried of a callow youth who had once caught a dog fish off Somes Island. "I was out fishing one day off a rock in the Pacific, and I caught a shark twentyfive feet long. I cut it open, arid threw the 'internals' overboard. Then I pitched the body over, and that shark swam round and found its 'internals,' and swallowed them." * • • "I said to myself, 'That's a pretty good shark, but I remember a better one. I caught him off Kapiti. He was nine feet long, and I hoisted him aboard with a block and tackle. Then. I out off his head, and threw the whole concern over. Well, do you know, that head swam round till it oame to the body, and then swallowed it holus-bolus." Talking of sharks, there is a settler in the Wairarapa who had a tame shark which used to trim his corns for him. * * * The big guns in the Melbourne forts commenced practice the other day, and, before half-a-dozen shots had been fired, people put white flags out of broken windows, and surrendered. Then, the Town Council of Williamstow n went to the authorities, and nleaded for less big gun and new glass and building material. The Melbourne people sav they will stand their chance of Russian guns if only their friends with the cannons will let them live in unshaken peace. * • • There is the making of an old-time courtier in the Wellington youth who is getting on good terms with his fiancee's mamma He said to Mary (under his breath, of course) that mamma was "real pretty." Ma overheard, and smilingly said she was white-haired and also had a wrinkle. When he told her that that wrinkle was merely "a smile that had lost its moorings," mamma privately told the dear girl that he was "such a nice boy." * * * There is a gentleman, who used light the lamps somewhere up Hunteryille way, who is disgusted with his job, and has thrown it up. He wants to know what right an escape of gas has to explode when a fellow merely goes to look for it with a lighted match. It did not hurt him, but he prefers electric switches to eccentric gas-burners now-a-days.

Thcie aie evidences tliat the piohibitionist.s will fight tlie lecoid fight of their existence during the coming elections Tlieie aie also evidences tha.t the "trade" does not care a pin In e\eiv centre in New Zealand the said 'trade 1 " is spending more monev than nci There aie some sinew d men in the trade" m New Zealand, and, if thev behe\ed what the piohibitionists aie savins;, that the liquor evil is to be rooted out, do vou imagine thev would be showing a disposition to invest inonev in concerns that have so short. .1 time to hvo p Na\ not so

Adelaide pressmen recently noi&ed their mighty weapons when they heard that a divorce case of exquisite interest was to be heard. Then, Judge Boucaut, who was to hear the case, up and said he was going to hear this and all futuie divorce cases in camera, and would prevent the publication of evidence in the dailv pi ess Whereat, the people whose little family affans were not dragged into the fierce light of nublicity were thankful, and the local press are a bit puzzled what to do with the space reserved for that extra special spice