Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 99, 24 May 1902, Page 12

Entre Nous

IT happened at a small social Ratheinig up Kclbuine way, one night tins week The\ had just hmshed a ping-pong, tournament, and wcu discus-ano supper when a >oung fellow in the Public Woiks Department staitedthe egg-ioke rolling Did you e\ 01 heai the stoi\ ot the haid-boiled egg-"" he solemnU mquiiod ot someone across the table No," was the innocent answei It's hard to beat " 'did the qiull-dnwug joker with much gravrU . Olr collide, tlieie were some tnvolous people who laughed at the sally, but the m«i]oiit\ ot us gazed more in sorrow than in angoi at that misguided youth * * * But his evil example was infectious It was a bald-headed mei chant, that ought to have- known better, who asked the next question Did anybody heai about the egg m the coffee '•'" Of couise somebody obliged him by saying 'No " and with a bland smile the baJdheaded punstei remarked "That settles it " Theie was anothei lamgh, and moie silence Finally, a sharp-featur-ed little woman, who had tried to smg earhei in the evening, asked if anvboch piesent had e\ er heard the ston of the three eggs To a man and a woman the company made answer with an emphatic No." The little woman smiled broadh in triumph, as she simpered Two bad" It broke us up, and we left. • * * The plague seems to be molihc of lattrap linentions About the thousand-and-hi-t one has just been pat<'iited jn Sydne\ It is described a.s a soit of wire-work churn hung on pivots and the lmentor only wants a small mattei of €1000 tor the patent rights Its method ot catching rats is distincth ornnnal The idea is that the entian.ee ot the lat staits the trap re\ ohmg Then the lats ha*e to mil and the-v keen on running What happens then- Why the little pests simph run themsehes to death The linentor has not. managed to get that €1000 foi the patent ngh> People seem to think this pioceM, of killing uts is too mucli like tihe nea-e\tenmnatoi ion had hist to catch flea then open his mouth with a eiowbai and ooui some ot the mixture down his tin oat » ♦ RecentK cabled that an AustiaJian expert was ad\ ising Lord Mil no 1 a.s to the settlement of land in British South Africa. It turns out that the 'Australian" is a New Zealandei, fiom C'hristchuich Of oouise, he will retire gracefull \ enou&h when Mr Seddon s,eU Antlun haihnqr distance of Lord Milnei If the\ cave Dick afiee hand he would probabK <-ott!o Afi ica m moie «a\s than one.

A touu.st, who has been doing the beaut\ spots down South, and who is at piesent killing time and di owning mi(lobes in Wellington, went into a local tailoi's einpoiiuni to ha\ c a gieatcoat made the other day. While theic, he told (us stoi\ Ot collide, diumg lu- \ r-it to Dunedni lie had a guide Saul guide w ais an liishman, who earned what e'ei he could, which Wasn't much OutMde the Scotch fit\ the lush guide chlcited on the beauties ot the mountain stieaiiT- the gorgeous bush, and bo on. Acioist the cieek " he said .see .•-omethmg iroith seem' but I don't blee\e \ez can juinpo\ei " Just hold 1m coat and I'll show \on " said the touiist He jumped, and then the astonishment came 111 Pat left foi homo with a biand m« coat mach in Kugland and his tounst fu-nd t dined up in Dunechn loui teen liouis lateu tatteied and torn and looking toi a genial Pat It is Miiofficidlh" annoui'ced that a ue\, dictmnan will be shoitlx published loi the guidance ot judges who don't uiKloj-ta'id tiie New Zealand language A witness m a. locail court the otliei da\ who occupies a high position m the mercantile world, suggested that the ]udgo should gi-ie ''fair docs" to both sides. The severe expression that twisted the mobile features of the piesiding Yei 'Anner," as he commanded the clerk to refer to Lindlev and Murray produced cold shivers in the court The dictionary did not know what phrase it meant and the merchant had to explain that common people sometimes called it fan play " And then the car of Justice rolled on its terrific way. ♦ * ♦ Levin, not long ago, got the village cornet and his brothei the big drum to -welcome the advent of its new aeetvlone gas lamp T'other clay, after ha\ing experienced frequent darkness In reason of the concern's chioaic disposition to "go bung," some men stole along unhoi aided bv any biass band and tore it fiom its fastenings On the baie patch afoietime covered bv the finished, product of modeirn science they erected a keiosone lamp, and the populace smiles as the "old reliable" whiff peifumes the atmosphere * » « The. Fiench people too ha\ c one ohotogiaph for all the Boer geneials in South Africa. This is an. eaih po /trait of Cron]e Since Paardeburg, this wornout old woodcut has dore scinice for Joubert, Botha, Scheepers, Oppenheim and the De Wet brotheis. Now. they aie iinging in the dreary old whiskered print as De la Rev. the chivalric hb<Matoi of the mistaken Methven ' In chantx the Peace Society of WelhnoHron should send France along an index album of Boer generals' photographs. They aae easily obtainable and would probably materially strengthen the proBoor position A youth w enfc forth to serenade The lady he lo\ ed best And bv her house at evening. When the sun had pone to rest He warbled until daylight And would have maibled moie. But morning light disclosed the sign To Let" upon the door

Some people are never satisfied An unconscionable growler called on us the other day, and said the people who are making hash of the alleged footpath m Adelaide-road should be made to walk on it. He says also that the wettest weathei of the \ear was picked in which to la,v ground pipes, and adds that the woikraen who are hacking the footpaths to pieces fill them up again w ith a total disiegard to decent smoothness "Will that unconscionable growlei take oui woid fo<i it, that the deepest depths of wmtei is the conect tune foi these excavations It is the only time the populace can be plastered with mud As for the absolute destruction of the -sidewalk as a footpath, have not the Newtowmtes got a hbiaiv? What do the* want w it li footpaths? The shopkeeper who ruefulh lemarked that the liolev nature of the strip of alleged asohaJt in front of his business place is driving all his customers over the road should think of the benefits the doctors will derive m broken less and sprained ankles. Works earned out undci the segis of the City Council are like its tiaiu seivice, peifect. * * * A too anxious intending bridegroom in an up-the-lme town last week fearful that hi*, soul's iov might escape him befoie the engaged parson had tied the nuptial knot, caused many craned necks to peer out of open casements He waited at the church, with bated breath, and hope fading, and still the parson came not. He was a stiangei to the town. Staiting at the northern end of the budding eit\ , he w orked the knockers and bell-pulls of every hou«> ♦ • * Does a parson live here?" The sight of a sunburnt young man. with a quarter of an acre of flowers in his buttonhole, and aporessivelv new bell-bottom-ed pants, ringing and banging his wav through an entire town, in quest of a parson, tickled the community so much that by the time he had got to a suburban parson's domicile he had most of the boys, dogs, and loafers in the place chasing him. The most curious thins; about the incident is that when his reverence was secured, the prospective bride in reply to the query. "Will you etc.," replied in a voice raucous with determination, 'I won't," and <-he didn't. » » * Wanarapa's member, Mr. Homsbr was a bit late the other night, when he was billed for a pre-sessional address. The countless thousands of listeners who were waiting for the delayed peals of wisdom, rattled a forest of impatient feet on the boards of the hall. Thereupon a Scotch collie with an amused evpiession, ambled on to the platform and agitated his tail in acknowledgment There's an old Latin warning: ' Ca\ c canem " but that is of course another stoiv • • « Files for the last eighteen months of the Fienoh illustrated papers piove that for purposes of Anglophobe the Fipnchmen have only one military photograph. This is Lord Roberts and he is invariable pourtrayed with a sci übbimg-brush moustache, pavingstone teeth, and a sword ten feet long During the Buller trouble the French papers published Buller's photograph It was the same old picture of Lord Roberts' When Methven was collared Bobs did duty again for De la Ew's captive.

The headmaster of a Wellington school lecently found it necessary to flagellate a boA . The average man's sympathy goes out to that boy. It was alt over one of Wellington's prettiest teachers. She was giving her class a short lesson in hygiene, and while on the subject, remarked that "kissing the book" and other farms of the foolish old fashion, were opposed to the laws of health as laid down in Standard VI. handbook. She picked out the largest boy in the class at whom to fire the question. ' What is a kiss ?" The boy could not put it in words, he said, but if she really _ wanted to know he would show her, and just on that, account the boy is suffering rrom a slight rash at the base of the , spine, which the handbook of health sa^ s nothin rT about. He was also isolated by the headmaster, and latest reports pronounce him to be out of danger * * * Mere men rejoice and miciobes w-ail O'er lessened power to hurt, Since Fashion hath at last decreed To slay the deadly skirt Henceforth our tender lungs will be Much less by germs assailed. Skirt's doom is curt The sentence runs — 'The trailing skirt 's-kirtailed." * ♦ * A Tapaami scribe remarks that the bible m the local court has done duty for pui poses of "blaspheming" for upwards of twenty years, and that its leaves which witnesses are asked to kiss, are thick with the microbes of thousands of dead and gone perjurers and others. And still the Health Department worry about the plague. If every ship and every rat, dog, horse, and parrot were allowed to come to New Zealand unfumigated, the possibility of disease emanating from these sources w ould be very small in comparison with the possibility of the dissemination of disease from the old and unwholesome Court practice of kissing the book. * ♦ • v The decision of the Wellington Steam Ferry Company, to make their daily service w ith Day's T3av an all the year round affair, has already given a spurt tio things on the other side. Nearly even man you meet who has got a vacant section over there is now talking of building on it. A contract has just been let for outting up four or five villas at Muritaa, and Mr. W. Cable is rearing for himself a comfortable residence on the slopes of Rona. Other people have been across the water to mark out sites for their mansions. Quite evidently, there is a bit of a boom ahead of the transmarine suburb. They sa\ it is the warmest and snuggest corner of the harbour By the way, up in Auckland the ferry service is a dol-lai-making concern. The company theie have sent Home for a couple of 22-knot steamers electric lighted, and able to do the trip to Devonport in four minutes. * • • There- was a disturbance the other day in a newspaper office not far away from Wellington. A settler dropped in to find fault with the report of his daughter's wedding. It seems her front name was Gratia, and the jocular compositor had turned it into "Gratis " Th© editor thought it was rather appropriate, and asked the indignant parent if it was not quite true that his daughter was given away? But, that settler was not taking any gratuitous mirth, and his first blow was the signal for a general melee in the office

The usidonts at Kunkuii one ddv Ust week lined thein.sehes along the wilage tend and laughed until the tears ian down then c hecks The rangei w ,us called our to impound a stia\ animal Ho mounted his steed buckled on Ins .stockwhip <u\d hied lain to the scene ot op.iations r lhe .uuni.il was seated on the lowei hunch ot <i tiee in the main Ktu.t with .1 bask<ttul ot edibles and «,„ uibbenug malo\olentlv down at the <i»\ul He wav a hill-siml baboon biought liome b\ a tioopoi ot the Ki\th, , m ,| 1111 11 had b«<n ha\mg a good h'ix lh.-ianger was a boltl man and ho li.ul to «»ct that animal Ke climbed the tue and the baboon thiew a potato at bun He still nroeeeded to e'laigo tin- simian lun\e\er, and the last seen ol rh.it langei wa>s that he- n.ii lunning tow aids the pound with a mne-stone baboon lmn« lound his neck It is not known whethei the pound-keeper mt.MuK ictuiiuiie home but it is thought that it is not hkoh Kun.ials alO feitile happenings to Miir.e pcopl«' Tins remark applies to a xouii" couph' m Wellington, whose paiont. aie »on much aveiso toanv piopowd union between them The young couple met at Newtown and stiollmo- along a (|iiiet side stieet found a hearse and a row of carnages waiting in fiont ot a house One cf the cabmen pohtoh opened his cab-door fchev crladh entoied and the mournful procession inoxed slowK for one long delicious hour tow aids the cemetery lhe cabby asked wlioie he should drive them aftei the solfinn obsequies were over, and landed them neai then homes in the nU Whose funeial was it <t sk«d one ot the girls fi lends atteivaicl«. "We didn't know and we don't know now but it was perfectly lo\ oh '' . » Palnatuans who ha%e been leading up the MaitiuKtuc disastei thought then time had come the other evening when a gentle eaith tiemoi shook tho town In one hote-l, which was crowded to excels six ladies leposed in a small loom On the opposite siae ot the ooindoi weie mere males 1 lie ladies as is customaiy with the gentlei vpv weie wideawake discussing bonnets when the earth w Hggled The men did not waken at the eaith tremor, but uhen half a do/en agitated ladies ourst m on them and asked them in tiagic tone*, to save them most of the gentlemen f ollai ed the wash-hand jugs and wont to look foi the fiic The Mght of main ladies en. dishabille parading Paluatua fiom dew v night to chilly mom amused nobody except the night policeman No neiehbouinig mountain blew up andPahiania dortois aie going nicrht and d.n tieatincr mfl\M-n-/a pationTs and wilting liiescnptions foi na,i eoinir and gruel « * * Lo\e me little lo\ c me long — Pong-Pmg Pmg-Pong 1 This the bin den of m\ song Pong-ping' Ping-Pong Should \ou ask me wh\ lMiig Pmg-Pong. Pong-Ping Still abioad these notes T fling- - Pmg-Pong Pong-Pmg'

Mi. R(i How til, tin sot ie+ <u% ot tho Ua.s torn pain hasten tlu< C it\ Council much tood tot thought He has furnished them and the public at laige with dn«t and ( ogent e\ idenoe that in installing eloctiie tramn.n s the doublo tiolls sxstem must be adopted it 1 unions expense is to be «u oidod ' lie bittei expenence oi othei places pinclaims the tact that the single tiolly s\-4eni w it'll its undeigiound eunent.sot (>lectncit\ lesiilts in the deduction ot gas and watei pipes thiough eloctioUtu (onosion For that reason S\dno\ is mom taking steps to change hum tin winde tiolh to the double tioll\ s\stem Wellington had bettei make the hi -,t cost the 011K cost, and thus moht h\ the mistake "t its neighbouis U tlie bieak ot d<>\ , on a leceut Sun- (\,\\ t.ln cm* gilded uti/.cnsot l)anne\nke Mt out toi the depths ot the to'c-t on a shooting expedition The paiU coinpnsed a blacksmith a pnntei ,\nc\ <in oimine-diuoi Attei uaiidoiuiu; thiough the buhh, \Mthout nottme am of the teatheied tnbi- it suddenh d«u\ ned on the pait\ v\ho were fotgetf'd ot the fact that grim twilight was throwing its mantle aiound them, and that then should make a stait for homo But alas tho\ liad left it too late, and could not pick up the track So theie was nothing foi them to do but spend the night under the frowning canop\ of heaven in the steadily dripping ram The next da\ tluoo abieot specimens of humarut' in a famished condition wei c seen tiudging weanlv m the dnection ot Da.nnevirke sadder but wi^er men SuiuLu trips aie iung-off now » * * Guests at a wedding that came oft not long ago loained aiound the lo\eh prewuts in cc^tdes and wished their tuin would come o\ ci again The bnde's paient^ aie fearfully and wondeifulh rich and a little tlinll ran through unnamed ladies when the\ saw pa's checiue foi foui fat figures plavma a prominent pait in tlie collection When the guests had gone and daikness prevailed that loMiia paient was seen advancing on that cheque He rent it into twain Another" peuiiv gone'" he gioaned * * * Let us all be up and eating With a heait foi ,m\ slice Beef giows cold and time is fleeting Pass the champagne and the ice _ -t -* Returned Sixth Contingent tioopeis at the Drill Hall on Fnda\ last neail\ l.used the ioof Sn Joseph Waul i<>maikedthat he had hoped that he would b( able to announce that peace had been pi Most ot the non caught th(> last tout woids and then cheeis the suiioundlng (ouivtis toi ten minute^ oi so Then Sn Joseph le peated Ins woids in a ciesceudo tone of \<>K( and the Oh— h-h'" that went up was heai trending Bv the \, a\ , Men 01 Aitken issued aiathei lash unite to soldieis Said if tlu\\ would call on him he would e,no them an\ thing the\ liked 01 woids to that eftect Lots of citi/.ens tlieie to think that this was one ot the leaist canin things His Worship has e\ ci said If these tioopeis take him at his \\ end — what then-

l'.voiyboch thought when Sir Henry Berkeley, late Chief Justice of Fiji, and iccentlv appointed Attorney-General to Hongkong, said that he \\a,s a West Indian colonial, that he was going to say lie had been in Martinique, the home oi the earthquake. Bat he only wnidiLccl that he had a son who has a corpora) m Kitchenei's Hoi so and that Fiji uould not hurt itself if it got annexed to New Zealand Othei people said exactly the same things that the\ lia\e said on similai occasions dmmg the ])si>-t two years, and most people ate and drank whate\ei came handiest. The (mest item on the programme was the aw tul war-cry of the Sixth. Of (ouise tlie C ape-cart dnveis cooks, and <iuaitei mantel s were the strongest in lung, now ci . On an a\eia£o a Sixth Contingent tioopor uses about a vaid moi e uniform now than he di>l eighteen months ago