Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 98, 17 May 1902, Page 12

Entre Nous

ATHORNDON ser\ ant-lady aimed at a fashionable doctor's dooi on "\Vedi\esda\ night, m a &tate ot tiemendous excitement. Hei mist 1 ess had gone mad 1 Would the Joctor come quicklj, please 1- Mi. Swelldom had iecentl> gone bung," and, perhaps, it had sent the lady ciaz> Would he come lound. and have a look at her? Doctoi asked the maid what pecuhai toim the alleged lunacy took Well Mrs. Swelldom (who weighs ntteen'stone two and a-lialf pounds) was turmiw somersaults on the floor ot the drawing-room taking noisy breaths, and trotting round amongst the furniture. * *• * The doctoi collated his. bell-toppei and bag, and betook himself Tinakon-road-wards As he arrived, Mis. Swelldom had just executed a brilliant somersault, and was sitting, a good deal tired, in an easy ohair. She wanted to know why the doctor had come. She did not feel ill. She had heard that a Swedish lady doctor had recommended the "somersault cuie" for obesity, and she was a convert to the cure It seems that the epidemic is spreading, and it is quite a fashionable pastime for ladies of obese habit to slow ly trundle head-over-heels for an hour each day If you notice that the fat women of your acquaintance are becoming thinner be sure that they have been trying the "somersault cure." • • • The sound of falling gla.%& during the Pollards' performance at Dannevirke, the other night, created a mild panic amongst the audience. It appears that a dare-devil youth, of the Deadwood Dick build, had armed himself with a lump of wood, and broken the window of the ladies' dressing-room The young rascal was given in charge, and spent the night in durance vile. Next mornin^ he appeared before two hoary-head-ed Js P , who convicted him, and ordered him to come up for sentence when called upon He is not so curious about Rases of Persia now . Jfc Jfr -«. Ainei icans are pufchinq; then outposts furthesr afield. They do not v ant the earth, of course, aaid their programme is quite modest. Unlike the Yank who required the earth for a hcise ranch amd the moon for a saddling paddock a gentleman, now in Wellington says that Amenca win 1 be content if the States are bounded on the north by the aurora boreahs on the south bv the procession of the equinoxes on the east by primeval chaos, and on the west b\ the day of judgment

Sunday dt> a da,\ ot absolute iebt nun sound ver\ well in theoij to the sixteen ladies and gentlemen w ho decided ni t.lie Wesley schoohoom iaianakistroet. the other da \ , that its obsenance should be general. Somehow, it does not appeal probable it will woik out in practice The cleigvmeii theimches do most ot tlio woil. tot which the\ are paid on Sundays It is not lest to them to 'do" thiee seimons a clay and, in many ca»ses, to ndo a woni-out horse o\er rough country to do it If the cleig-\ behe\ed pleaching to be lest," of eouise the\ would not want to be paid foi it would they s Then of course Mondd\ moimng pap-(>i-5 would cea.se publication, and the people who wart Sabbatic ie~t would feel ■> '•listed there was no papei to lead at Monda\ 's bieakfast ♦ ♦ * Maiv Jane would natuialK iefu<-e to get up to cook the ante-c hutch chop and, as. for making bedfc and fires and thing, 1 -, winch is hei work and which should not be done on Sundays, even in tins cold weather — absurd' 'No mannei of work" is a large order Really, these sixteen people who aie conscientiously com inced of the excellence of their cause do not seem to realise how far they must go in order to be consistent At any rate to disjoint domestic economy, take away the best paving day from harbour steamei ow ners, and deprive the large body of the work-a-day population of the opportunities for innocent enjo% merit on Sunday is not going to make this sad old w oriel one w hit beitei * * * People are admitting latteily that the Boers are brave' Gracious, the idea' Imagine admitting thait a race which has fought man and animals for a couple of hundred years quite fearlessly, are brave. A trooper named Crawford, who writes thinks the bravery must be through desperation. He says thait to see them advance on the British, dropping everywhere, with then bridles on their arms, firing as they came, and the w omen behind leading hoi ses and singing some "'darned chat" about the piesident, was a si^ht worth seeing. We think it's sheer cheek that these wretched burghers should have the effionterv to get on their hind legs and hit back when we want to civilise them They don't seem to realise what a blessing in disguise the war is to them ■* » * In AuckLuid they go m pietU extensively for ship - building A great maxiv of the boats plying up and dow n the rivers, are colonial built, and the launching," of course is oar1 led out on the same lines as the launching of a 10,000 tons Atlantic floating palace A prohibitionist popped up at a, christening" festivity last week. The buddei's wife stood up with a bottle of 'Chateau Lafitte," to break over a new boat The prohibitionist protested tlra.t it waft a horrid custom to chusten ships w ifch champagne, and averse to teetotal principles. The builder's wife could not see- it, and said that there was a temperance lesson m it. How ? Well, after its first bottle of wine the <-hip took to water, and stuck to it e% ci after '

Mi Inclement Wragge is to the fore again with a miscellaneous assortment of Ins \oiy wmst weather for New Zealcuid It was kindly cabled over ais a new «ypaper sensation for Wednesday moimng last. The toreoast is '"Furious weathei with snow." Al&o, that Inclement Clement "urgently warns shipping " We met Registrar-General yon Dadelszsen on that sombre Wednesday morning. Although he bade defiance to any sort of weather, under the shelter of an ample ulster, he smiled significantly as lie drew our attention to the- Queensland prophet's latest screamer. And then he pioceeded to allay our fears with a. tale. • * * It relates to the tune, several months back when Mr yon Dadelszen was attending the Statistical Conference at Hobart. The business was all over, and the New Zealand representative went down to the Union Company's office to book a berth for his return trip. He had noticed that in the pa.pers that day Mr Wragge had announced the approach of a copper-fastened and ironstudded storm named "'Onias," who was going to have a regular football matdh with any shipping he might find in the Tasman Sea or about the New Zealand coast Not on.lv did Wragge give Omas" a fearful character but lie implored intending passengers for New Zealand to put off their departure for a while. * ♦ • Now , Mr. Yon Dadelszen w a,s not at all anxious to cultivate the acquaintance of "Omas," nor did he fancy the idea of cooling his 1 heels in Hobart till ' Onias" had passed by. That is why he lost no time m selecting his berth. But, while he waited his turn at the Union Company's office, a lady came in to cancel her order for a berth bv the same steam e<r, and to get her ticket altered She explained she could not possibly think of going across to New Zealand just then because of Mr. Wragge's awful weather prophecy. ♦ » • New Zealand's Registrar-General depal ted w ith forebodings on the part of his Tasmaman friends, and had a lovely trip to the Bluff — one of the most delightful he ever experienced He supposes "Onias" must have got a little behindhand with his programme, or slipped Mr. Wragge up in sheer cussedness Perhaps, the lady who waited managed to strike him after all. At any rate, it doesn't always do to take these weather prophets too lyFaith i&. not much used for mountainmoving now-a-days. Sometimes, however, it is supposed to be a good line in backing horses. The other day a Dannevirke "sport" paid up his money to a. clairvoyant to pick him the winnei for the Thomnson Handicap She did. All Dannevirke got on to the same thing l Don't know if spiritist "sports'" are colour-blind, but the horse the lady picked was an "also started" only. The faith snorts" went back to the old biand of spirits right away, and. up to now they haven't spent any moie guineas on second-sight tips.

Practical jokers aie painfully frequent during the silly season, and the hide of one of the clan, who has recently returned to Wellington xs frequently painful, as a result of a too* pronounced exuberance' of spirits It seems that on a recent visit to the Wairarapa, he advertised in one of the local prints inviting the correspondence of an "amiable brunette lady with view to above. ' He received letters from various spinsters, of mixed ages, and among them was on© from a guileless giddy gmy of nineteen, who asked him to send a photo along. The joker sent the picture along, but it was the photo of another felloe . Would she meet him at the corner of Cupid-street at 8 P * • • The girl who had pined m a backblocks settlement, with few chances and fewer men was there at the appointed time. Along came the subject of the photograph, whom the joker knew would pass that way, going home from work, and was greeted by the unknown giH. He flushed a salmon pink when she called him "George." as per advertisement, and was so glad to see him He inconsequently bolted, and the ioker, who lay in wait in the doorway of a neighbouring shop guffawed loudly * * * The badly-had individual felt a deenrooted suspicion rankling in his bosom, and looked up his irrepressible friend and asked him point blank if he was the author of the 10 ke. The joker admitted it, after much pumping, and retired after much thumping. Then the victim of the hoax searched around for the maiden fair intending to tender an apology Curious thing about it is tha,t he found her, and she accepted the apoloey. Later, she accepted him. The ]oke.r is relieved in body a.nd mind to know he us the author of their happiness f * * * The recent elections have brought to light some very worthy but often unpolished specimens of the genus mayor. You have heard of the "His \\ orslup w ho expressed the hope that next time Lord Ranfurly was in his borough he would bring the "Governess" with him' Well, during His Excellency 9 visit his same Worshj- mixed w ith the elite at the swell local hotel and when the "shout" got round to him he gracefully inquired of Lord Ranfurly a » W will yo P take ' Y(yar Ma ~ lestv 9 ' The error is more quaint, seeing that the Premier was not there. * • • Then, again, the hotelkeener, who is w ha,t His Worship calls a "schojard " frequently puts the old, old question in lus ow n scholarly w ay "Will you lubricate your tonsils?" His Worship thought it was areaUmart way of projecting the great British invitation, and when the drinks came round to him again he queried, sweetly of the crowd, "Well, gents, will you liquidate your tonsils 3'" A councillor, who had ' stood" for mayoral honours, but who was reieoted because he could spell, choked so -badly that a couple of aides-de-camp had to run him up and down the hotel passage for ten minutes before he recovered . * » * Pakeha doctors are going out of fashion among our Maori brethren. A Maori medicine man has turned ur> w ith a hot. bath and a barrow-load of baik and he washes disease away m a solution of tree. Everybody gets well after having been immersed in the ba/rkbath, and the Maori doctor, who is located at present at Taiporohenui, has leceived enough shark, pig and kumara in fees to tangi evermore. A Maori gentleman, who was cured of a bad leg b> amputation , faith . and hot baths is going to have the same doctor when any other of his limbs are sick. Recently he put the case in a nutshell. '"Maori toctor, he cure every time. Pakeha tootor, he say 'Put out te tongue ' Ur n' How te powel ? Ur n! Ten and hikepene.' "

There isae-eitain citi/en whose husi-ne-,s isn't exacth in a thru ing condition and who adds to Ins nicomo In wilting patent medicine testimonials and pill poeti\ It seem*. houe\ei that the patent, medicine patients aie sunohmg tins soit of thing fiee. and Othello's occupation and beei monc\ aie pone However, lie lets no- chances *lip He boarded the IXn 's Ba\ boat not long Bine* 1 and looked about him. A tuend, of whom he had bou owed raoiip^ -- and whom, he theiefore despised — approached him "Good day, old chap, cjiute well' J " he asked Quite, thanks " Missiv* and youngsters well J " Perfectly" And tlioy fsaited Friend went into the busY Monda-\ woild without a thought of impending catastrophe Two days laitei he received a beautifulheiigrossed document To meeting \ou and conferring with \ou at «ea, £1 Is cab to wharf. 2s Gel, boat fare, del — £1 -U X and O E." # * +• Tlie beautiful young constable with the cuilv haa, the hazel eves and the idea that the country is dying to see him in Inspectoi Ellison's shoes, is having a tale told at his expense It feeenivs that during his butcher-cart days he formed many attachments which m these days of const abulary affluence he still keeps up. Young Bluebottle takes every chance of seeing his old loves, and he called lound at the back door of a Terace home the othei day to "get Mi . X on the lurv list." Seems, however, he got the servant-lady round her waist and imprinted labial salutations on hei peachy cheek. The woman whom the lady condescended to work for came out from her lair as the jury-hunter disappeared, and accused her of the dreadful act of osculation. The lady said she couldn't help it and the woman stormed. You didn't resist, you hussy." she hissed "Not much, T don't want to be had un for resistin' the pleece'" It admitted of no leplv. There is a Wellington woman who has a daughter. That daughter leaves hei couch every day at o 30, and attacks an unoffending: piano mercilessly until bieakfast time She will play as well a-? she does now in three score years and ten, and it's the neighbours' belief that she thinks it music. Mi^s Nextdoor spoke to the mother of that girl the other night, when she went to request the loan of a loaf of bread "as the baker had forgotten to call." In the course of a counle of houis' conversation, in which the characters of all the people in the street were torn to raes the piano girl's mother burst out with the priceless gem of infoi mation that her daughter was musical Then Miss Nextdooi' got her =haft in '"What a terrible infliction that horrible strumming on your piano eveiv morning must be to her." • • • There is a prett\ brisk ciusade agaanst rats in Wellington at the meient time. It is easy enough to poison the bubonic suspects, but often the cure is not am aromatic success Half-a-dozen defunot rodents in the w ainscot are not conducive to an unpoluted atmosphere A local lady has tried every rat poison, and her husband has occupied all his Saturday afternoons reoentIv in pulling lining and floor boards up searching for the prey, and cremating them m an oil-drum in the back-yard ♦ * * Everybody who keeps a shop now-a-days has a commission in a volunteei corps or has led troops to victory in Africa with stais on his shoulder straps A Natal lady in w nting on the subiect remarks "Mv greengrocer is a lieutenant mv draper a captain the sweetheart of mv housemaid is also a commissioned officer of some kind, and only yesterday the man who came to lav the carpet became quite friendly and patronising: because he said he expected to be mentioned in the despatches "

Touching; the sci \ ant gul tioublc A PaJmerston lad\ has quite wearied out all the local supph ot cooks housemaids, and lad\ helph. and now obtains domestic help fiom Wellington Last week, the new Mary Jane went up b\ ti am At a wayside station a lad\ got in and eiite led into conveisation. She elicited the fact that Mai \ was bound foi sciuoe Hitli Hardnutt Did she know Mrs. H. Well, only b\ lepute," said Man Jane. She's a shien eveivbod-\ sa\s. and I'm going to take it out of her The girls in Wellington aie going to subscribe to give me a testimonial if I stay a month with her and then gr c her a hiding' B\ the wav do \ou know Mrs Hardnutt?" That's my name," said the lach , and Mary feeling, faint got out at the next station Hei addioss is still Wellington » ■» * If \ou aie a teacher, and want a job by apphmg to a school board, send your cci tifica.tcis in a cast -non box with instructions to the boaid to send them back in it One teacher recently applied for a vacancy, and sent his papers carefully packed betw een cardboard, as they weie pietty ancient and valuable. By return post, hailf of them came back in an open envelope, with a bit of old rope tied loundthe middle, and cut through bv the string Deeply feeling th^ board's courtesy, the teacher has return ed the envelope and the bit of string It may be useful to them. Also, he expressed ree;iet that the town did not boast a museum, in which to treasure up this rather curious sample of official courtesy. We think the teacher should be jolly thankful to get his papers back at ail I It is unusual for boaids to attend to business dm me, the cunent veai

Commenting upon Minister of Justice McGowan's statement that for the future only men who are above suspicion will be made Js.P., the Sydney "Newsletter" says lie must ha.ye a lot of faith in his countrymen. Also, that if the same rule were acted on in New South Wales there would scaicely be one solitary mail left on the bench • •» * The American women seem to be strong on kissing. In Washington they held a meeting lately ,and decided to inform Bryan, the Democratic candidate foi the last presidency, that they wished to &ihow their admiration by kissing him. Would he kindly apponit a time for the wholesale kissing? Biyan regretfully declines, on the slight grounds that his wife reads the papers ' Touching the epidemic of osculation that sometimes affects femininity, Lieutenant Hobson, who sank the "Maine" m Santiago .and went home for a lost, was dm en to mountain fastnesses, wasted with much kissing Also, he shaved off hi& lovely moustache and painted hea\y disguising lines on his mouth He f d rather risk a battery than a belle now . • • » Coming nearer home, one lsiemmded of Adelaide and the First New Zealand Contingent. Adelaide women demoralised that corps, broke its ranks, and imprinted hundredweights of kisses on eveiv warrior's brow. Sergeant Harrow e.Il (now captain with the Seventh) the most bashful of men, was taken unawares by a large healthy female, in the sere and yellow leaf. She grabbed the handsome warrior round the neck and he carried her to the accompaniment of "Smack, smack," from the Post Office to Light Square, amidst the ihuzzas of the populace No wonder Harrowell hied him back to the girlless veldt • •» » Then. "Jackie" Hughes Jackie foolish] v spoke in Adelaide of the beauty of the ladies Upwards of fifty females

It is> a common enor that ladies exeiciso their votes in New Zealand in a desultoiv way. Does not appear so fiom the published records of recent mayoral elections. Little Marton sent 203 w omen voters to the booths out of a total of obB, and larger places in like pioportion. Also, the female interest in representation increases In one little borough recently women canvassed tor the- oandidarteis Much tea was diunk. and one lady, who dared to tell a canvasser that Mr. Spokeshave, the advocate oi free e\erything, was no man w as the means whereby the main slice* was enlivened by a very willing go," with disastrous effects to hair and eyes In the tame town, so keen on the election was the wife of a storekeeper, that she wheeled a, pair of twins from house to house rather than give up the delights of touting for her favourite. He placed his arm around her waist He was a poet. — note that please. — He thought she'd like to be embraced, But she denounced such liberties. "That is a poet's license, dear," He said, and her a caress . Said she, "Well, I'll not interfere Then with the freedom of the press " » • » One of the humours of the old age pensions. The other day, an elderly party drove v™ in style to the Auckland Pensions Office, to draw his quarterly allowance. He thought nothing of delaying the hansom until he had got his money and then, in a gay and merry mood re-embarked in the cab with a female companion and rattled up Queenstreet. They don't all totter to the pay office with aged and unsteady footsteps

of \ an ous size and weight, lay in wait for him, seized him, and handed him round among themselves, imprinting bushels of kisses m the process. Shorn of all badges, buttons, shoulder straps, whip, and even spurs, with face and neck kissed to a lobster shade, he dived for freedom and fresh air Johnny, too, has returned to the fields where females are few and fat, and also Dutch. That Adelaide reception must have pi eyed unon his * » • Last Tuesday, a careful little girl was sent down Cuba-street to buy a fresh lot of rodent-slayer. "Please, Mr Chemist, I want some of that there rat poison what makes the rats go next door to die " Chemist hadn't got any, but suggested that a nlacard might be put in Iroiiit of the rat holes "Keep to the right." •V # * Said the bnde Here's my first batch of biscuit. Just, wait' From the oven I'll ■nhiscuit." How the poor woman cried When her hubby replied ' Let it burn l I don't think I should risouit . Dunedin has commenced its anti-ex-pectoration crusade. Six defendants were charged Is in Court for the luxury of expectorating on the path, and within the meaning of the bye-law. Barring the prosecution of one woman in Sydney, these are the first cases ever heard in a British Court. Wellington has a similar bye-law, but nobody minds it. Dunedin, reeling that everybody doesn't carry a copy of the city laws in his pockets, posts the threat of shilling fines in public places. The nest of offenders were of the usual type. Gathered together on the footpath, under the hqrht of a street lamp, the whole six were disseminating germs. As the law has never been enforced in Wellington, these street-corner gentry regard it as a farce.

The Wellington Association of Spnvtuuhsts ga\e a \en 1 tvutv reception to I)i Peebles, in the New C'entun Hall, on Fndav mglit last week Mr Win McLean occupied the chair, and hurtled th.iou2.li the> musical items' at a gieat rate in order that the speaking part of the piogramme might not be too jambec! too tight In a neatly-expressed speet h of welcome, he introduced Dr. Peebles a> An ex-parson, ex-politioian, medical man traveller and lecturer, as well as an out-and-out exponent of the facts and philosophy of spiritualism v * Then followed short speeches from a, number of other gentlemen. Dr Peebles who carries his eighth years with a. stiaight back, a stalwart frame and an unfui rowed face, spoke foi some fifteen, or twenty minutes in a chatt\ conversational way, and wound up with an euloemm on spiritualism Sonas were suns; by Mrs. Mcore Madame Cope Messrs Butterfield and Volhmdnu. Molin solo* were contnbuted bv Misses Godber and Eva Cone and Mi King, and Mrs. Fanning played a pianoforte solo, while Miss Minnie McLean gave a capital recitation * * * Dr. Peebles delivered his fust lecture on Sunday naght before a crowded audience and greatly impiessed his hearers. The subiect was -'Spiritualism, and the Good of it " He lectured again on Tuesday night on ''How to live to live a Centun " and made out a veirv strong case foi abstemious living and a vegetarian diet.

The Wellington Garrison Band's concert ni the Opera Eouse, on Friday next promises to be a great musical treat. " Both of the test pieces played at the recent contest at New Plymouth will be included in the programme, and will be given. In addition, the band will play a high.lv picturesque piece descriptive of a day's holiday in the country. Some hist -class vocal numbers will also figure on the programme. Mi. W. C Stephens hasi just entered into business at 4, Featherston-street, as an auditor, accountant, and financial agent Mr. Steohens has a first-class reputation, and, no doubt, will command a fair share of public patronage. He wa,s foi thirteen years bookkeeper to the Wellington and Manawatu Railway Company. We would call the attention of all lovers of music to the pianoforte recital to be given next Thursday, in. the Syd-ney-street schoolroom, by Miss Dora Judson This talented young pianiste, who hails from Auckland, received her tiainmg at the Dr. Hooh Conservatoire m Frankfurt-am-Main, where she st>ent five years, and whence she returned about two and a-half years ago. Since then she has. been practising her piofes.sion in Auckland, where she has given several recitals. A very choice progiamme has been prepared for the piesent occasion, and Miss Grace Kennedy, Mi^s Phoebe Parsons, Mr. Kennedy, and Mr Robert Parker wall also be oontibutorsto it Miss Judson has just accepted an appointment on the staff of the Nelson School of Music. Messrs Orr and Lodder are sparing no pains and grudging no reasonable expense, to make the Belle Vue Gardens maintain their reputation as the leading show-place of the kind in New Zealand. And the public are not slow to grip that fact. During the last twelve months nearly 18,000 visitors passed through the Gardens. Next season they will be lovelier, and possessed of greater attractiveness than ever. A bowling green of area sufficient to accommodate six nnks is now being constructed, and will be ready for opening at the beginning of next season. The enterprising owners have also decided to furnish the Gardens with an aviary, in which sha]l be kept every species of bird peculiar to the colony. Mr. George Musgrove is keeping steadily in view his project for a second company for Wagnerian opera in English. Herr Slaooffski, who is under a long engagement to Mr Musqrrove as musical director, will probably, during next year direct another grand opera company, in which the principals will be entirely new, with the exception of Madame Slapoffski and one other artist.