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Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 94, 19 April 1902, Page 12

HAYK nou noticed that as the umtei appioaolies, fashionMxieken motheis die deprnino- their youngsters of shoes, and substituting & and ah ■ Almost an> day on the Qua\ \ou may see chiklien with then httle' blue toes sticking out ot tho<o tropical iootweai, getting in a supph of bionchitis and influenza toi the coining wmtei Of course it makes them hardy' No« it freezing chilthen's feet is goad toi them, it is also good foi their fashionable mothers One shudders, at the thought of being compelled to spread out a massive hoof to its full extent on the - co(d. cold ground " Any silliness that is new , or a revival of something that is very old, ' catches on." It is a charming idea foi a temperature of 12Q degiees, but fo>- "30 degrees Ugh ' » • * A nuhtia bugler is the hero of the hour at the Shelly Bay barracks. A squad of plain clothes torpedo men w ere "wetting" the departure of the Tenth at the Empire last Friday evening A certain length y officer, who rejoices in the sobnouet of "Alpha" was also there, likewise ''celebrating" with a fnend The bugler made a bet with his comrades that he would cause the maioi to shout for him Done' He tapped the maior on the shoulder (bv the wav an acrobatic feat for a chiM of his <nze) and asked the worn old question "Were you over in Africa?" "Why yes " said the Maior drawing himself up to his full height of seven feet or so "So was I I'm a war correspondent yon know Met you at Paardeberg 'glad to «cc you looking =o fit 1 " And the Major fell 1 • * * He filled that little bugler with '•medical comforts," and gave him smokes, and they talked war and Boei« and things very affabry indeed. - The Maior said he had seen has friend's face before, and hoped he'd see him again Tlieie are probabilities that he will — on parade The cheek that, helps a man to hook drinks in this astonishing fashion will surely help him to keep out of ' chnk " * * * Splendid force the police' Umbrellas are used bv Robert now in the "execootion of me dootv," and if you see a gamp approaching you and you are doing wrong, within the meaning of the Act — hide — there's a "thra.p" behind it ' So some Chnstchurch girls found one day lately. They were five miles from town with their bikes, and were on the footpath to avoid boulders, and that umbrella came along in a cart, with another old woman sitting alongside The old lady in. blue, with the whiskers, behind the umbrella, hopped down and arrested those law breakers, and an unconscionable beak fined them 10s each and costs When a policeman has to resort to the subterfuge of an umbrella, and has to chase ladies into the country in a cart to ohtain convictions- — well we think he should he given stockings to dam or something to kee him empi oved

Uucltu the soothing influence of a lathei brash, a local parson, whose name is a household word with bus} housuuuos who do not want to set Jmn, dozed one day recently. The kmd-heaited Lambton Quay shavei let him sleep undistuibed. Picscntly, lie opened a clerical eje, got up, and lemarked how \eiv kind it was of that hairdresser to lea\e him undisturbed. Oh that's all light Fan exchange, you know. I attended so 1 vice at voui chuicli last Sunday " Someone has at last perpetrated a joke at Wanganui As a prelimmaiv lokHet it is not oi much account and nobody laughed to any distuibing extent Wanganui's pioneei loker left a noto foi the police saving that if the\ diao-ged the n\ er they would find th' 1 bodCof one Jones. The\ did not diaotthe nver but they are showing that the hitherto undisturbed solemnit of the riparian city is sacred b\ eettine a clue" to the" perpetrator. The lokei's only safety lies clearly in staving somewhere handy to the police. This also is a joke Tho\ were discussing Auglo-Israehsm at the Commercial Travellers' Club the other evening A young man m the soft goods line', who scoffed at the very idea, said he knew a thing much stranger than Anglo-Israehsm. What wais it 9 Why, that one of the old Palestine nations had come from New Zealand? They laughed in his face and he undertook to shout drinks all round if they could disprove his argument Then they asked for his argument Which nation was it? He expiessed deep «onow for their ignorance of course, and then, told them it w as the Moa-bites If they had ever heaid of a 1110 a bite outside of New Zealand then let them produce the article He i« still pausing fur a reply * * * There is> quite a touching friendship bays the Bulletin," between Premier Seddon and Governor Ranfurly 111 M.L. Even' session now, it adds, Parliament 1, asked to vote sums for the Governor w Inch should come from His Excellency's ow 11 nocket And, on Ranfurly's side, theie aiie, of course, compensations. When Ranfurly went away ovei a year ago, to annex" the Cook Islands, Stout, C.J., became deupty-Govemor, and he made things so warm for King Dick that Ranfurly will hardly he allow ed off the chain again before his term expires Stout and Seddon don't drink 111 the same bar nowadays. This is only a, figure of speech, of couise, for Seddon is able to afford a private room these times, and Stout quenches his honourable thirst at the punrn. * * * It occuired at the performance of ' The World's Verdict," at the Opera House last week. T\v o ladies with hats built up to the very height of fashion occupied central seats in the stalls and behind them a mere man, constructed on rather short lines, craned liis neck to get a peep at the staige. "And this hat that I am w earing actually only cost three guineas at Kirkcaldie and Stains'," said one to the other." "It should have been three pounds two and six. and it would them have included the price of mv seat," growled that deenlv disgusted man who sat behind them, as he rose and left the show * * * The ape lie soliloquised up m a tree. "The funniest thing in this world," saut he, Ts that man claims that he Has improved upon me When he uses a ladder to climb a tree."

Complaints had been made at a Dunedui kirk of the discomfort caused bv dripping umbrellas in and outside the vanous pew s. To remedy the nuisance a member of the congregation presented the laik with a large umbrella stand, which was fixed up in the lobby. After reading o>ut the notices on a recent Sundae , one of the elders remarked — "Ye'H nae doot hae seen the splendid umbieilla stand that Mr. McGamp has presented tae the kirk Noo umbrellas are umbrellas, and human nature is human nature sac yell nae think it vvrang o' me if I ask those who sit near the pulpit, and canna leave the kirk so .soon as the others, tae bring their oldest umbrella®, and, wi'out bein' pairsonal. T may say that we should all feel aheap easier if Sandy McTavish would tak up a sdtting a wee bit farther frae the door " * * * They were very young, he and she, and ala soon as they entered the train at PalmerstO'ii North everybody was quite sure they had just been married. But they were very self-possessed and acted ,iuist like old married folk, so that after a short time the other passengers began to doubt their belief after all. As the train moved, out, however, the young man rose to remove his overcoat, and a shower of rice fell out. The passengers smiled broadly. But even that did not affect the youth, who also smiled, and, tumins; to his partner, remarked audibly — "Bv Jove, May, I've brought away the bridegroom's overcoat 1 " * * * A young man, who has been doing the North Island backblocks, in advance of a theatrical company, whispers a little yam concerning a brother Thespian. Said Thespian had become very popular, more b\ reason of his social qualities than bv ntvuson ot his dramatic talent. He is c\ ervthmg a man may be save only a born actor, and he hadn't got t\\ o sixpences to rub together. He struck a brilliant idea just lately. "Congratulate me, old chap , I'm to be married to Miss Wings next Tuesday " he said to oven fuend he met. Those friends j-ent lum along presents ranging from carpet slippers to cruets, and his eves lighted up with ecstacy. He searched around for a parson, and a best man, and on the Tuesday, they were at the church fully determined to make Thespian and his Wings one •■* • • Also the ciowd of fuends were quite a.s anxious. One of the said crowd, however, walking down the street towards the church, saw the sugar-tongs he had presented to the "bridegroom" displayed for sale in a dealer's window . He went to chuich, and broke it gently to the people theie assembled. "There is some mistake," groaned a friend of Thespian's, who had quaffed ale with him but yesterday. "Go and find Miss Wings." Miss Wings was found in the hotel "Are you going to marry Mr. Tlnespian, Miss Wings?" "Marry whom?" she screeched. "Why I've been married for ten years. "Then Wings is not your name?" "No, Thespian is my name, and my husband, who has just received some unexpected money, left by the train for Wellington this morning. He's going to Sydney on an engagement, and I'm goina to follow when T've finished with the Hoodoo Comedy Company."

Dear Lance. — I notice with grave concern that our king of men, Richard John, is getting tripped up by the dictionary. In all his recent speeches he makes a great point of accusing the Boers of ''flaunting" the British fla" — otherwise, making an ostentatious display of it, which is, of course the very thing they don't do, "and the very opdosite of what the dear man. really means. The word which expresses his real meaning, and fits the situation, is "flout" — floutjng or insulting the flag is what he charges them with. But he keeps on saymg "flaunt," and the newspapers kee>p on printing it "flaunt." I hope Sir Joe will cable to him a, Marconi message to substitute "flout" for "flaunt" in* future, so that he won't put his foot in it in "dear old England.". — Yours, Right Colour. * * * Some people have a child-like trust in human nature. A propos. a man down Rangiora way, recently riding a hired bike, wanted to catch a train at Addington, and so* asked a stranger as a favour to take the bike back. The stranger would, for a consideration. The consideration granted, the hirer caught his train, and the other party gently pedallev awav — for ever. When the hirer told the beak about it, said beak chuckled, and informed him he would have to pay pretty heavily for his trust in human nature. That mar. now believes that everybody is guilty until he is "roved innocent. * • • We wonder whether the "Post" compositor who set up the fallowing: in last Saturday's supplement was a "muddied oaf 0 " Note his "footfalls" in the third line — ■ "She is not yet . but he whose ear Thrills to that finer atmosphere Where footballs of appointed things Reverberant of days to be." * * * Literal^' culture in the newspaper line is reduced to a fine art in the backblocks of Queensland. The language is as sultry as the climate. This is how the Bundaberg "Patriot" goes for a contemporary — "The Bung' newspaper is an organ whose sole mission on earth is to provide a living for a watery-eyed, taJ low -faced, knock-kneed, vain, illiterate propmetairy, and an existence for an ex-comp., ex-printer of a gone-bung establishment, ex-editor of a gone-bung newspaper, and an extra strong, doubledyed literary fraud of the first water — We beg his pardon, first booze. To see the two going up the street, one behind the other, makes all the Kanakas come out of their Chinese lodging-houses to look and wonder." * * # A dear, unsophisticated old lady, at Karon, writes us for the address of the place where civil servants come from. She hears there is a great many of them in some big building in Wellington, and her Mary Jane, she siays, is so rude that she must really part with her. * * • Mr. Seddon grows prouder and more proud of his increasing weight. At a send-off speech art. Hamna he remarked that, before the company commenced dininer the tables groaned beneath the good things. "Now, after I have fared «?o well, the groaning has been transferred to my chair." And no one blamed the chair.

Captain Edwin turned on his voiy be&t weather for the departure ot King Dick and the Tenth Contingent. Those fa\oured moitals, the oivil servants, had a whole haJf-hohday to themselves, but same ot them we dropped across on oui way, weie t airly ropeable. It seems the uka&e had gone forth, or, at any rate, wdb spiead abroad, that Richard himself would say Good-bye" to the Civil Ser\ ice in front of the Post Office at 4 p.m shaip Consequently, all civil servants w ho imagine themselves to be somebod\ and have aspirations and ambitions were on parade by 3.30, so as to collai the best places on the steps Wives and olive branches, were also theie and a goodly assemblage of prams, containing a futuie generation of public officials The\ waited with hope and confidence for the first solid hour. Then, then tempers began to sour, and some uenr liomc in high dudgeon, while otheis <^ud uncomplimentary things. It was a sadly thinned assemblage that had stawng power to hang on till 5.20, when at last the long-expected king appeared. He caught sight of the throng remembeied the engagement dismounted and said 'Good-bye." • • ♦ Still allowances must be made for the dfpartmig statesman. He was nearly rushed off his feet that last day in Wellington. There was no end of things to do — instructions to be given to all and sundn urgent messages from hare there, and everywhere to attend to. an army of hand-shakers to get off the door mat a Maori Contingent to review and to be enioined to go under the barbel's hands at once • » * The usual military displa\ did not take place. Straight from the railway station were the Tenth marched down to the steamer, but once they got on board the Drayton Grange they swarmed over the bulwarks, into the ventilating shafts, up the rigging, and, in fact, everywhere where they might see and b( seen There was a cross-fire of "barrack" between them and the dense crowd on the wharf, and, from the number of times they let themselves go with united voice in song, they deserve to be known as 'The Tuneful Tenth " • * * Finally, just as gloom was settling down upon the scene, the Premier and his family came along in carnages and weie received with cheers, m which the troopeis, lustily joined. The various other Ministers and their wives and families wei c aw aiting their chief on board the Drayton Grange to say their adieux. As soon as the> Premier's party were safely on board, the big steamer slipped her moorings, and drew away amid a storm of oheering. Then, the visitors aboard, numbering about a hundred ladies and gentlemen, repaired to the saloon where Sir Joseph Ward made the valedictory oration and King Dick

said lus> final voids of loa\ e-takmg It took some tune to get thiough this piogranune, and, meanwhile, the huge tiamsport lay m the fairway, and the public ashore weie tieated to a display of fireworks The visitors returned to town in the steamers Janie Seddon and Lady Roberts. King Dick has deputed, but lus mana lests upon Vice-King Joseph. # Little bits of broad comedy enlighten the gloom of hospital sick beds occasionally A Wellington hospital doctor has just been afforded an apt instance of that One of the nurses detected an aroma of an unmistakable kind one recent morning, and felt piett\ certain that a certain patient of whaiflabounng propensities was indulging m the forbidden practice of smoking. She dived for the enveloping curtain behind which the supposed culprit lav, but a look of ehild-hke innocence p laved around his mo-uth, and theie was no pipe in it. She retired, beaten. Again the pungent odour of the vilest "torore" rose in the atmospheie of the ward. The nurse looked up the doctor, attid the doctor looked up the innocent patient Had he been smoking ? "No, Sir , search, the bed if ye like." They searched, and the doctor retired beaten. He went out of the ward to his own room, and still that dreiadful smell folowed him It grew stronger, and a whiff of burning cloth was added. Also a sense of warmth pervaded his nether limbs Carefully inserted in the pistol pocket of that doctor was the blackest and strongest clay pipe he had ever seen or smelt' The doctor was so tackled with the labourer's trick that he freely forgave his breach of the mles. * * * Poverty Bay people, and particularly Poverty Bay Maoris, dram life's cup of pleasures to the very dregs They don't allow for faitigue up Te Kun wax. Mr. Hairous Plimmer sends us the up-to-date advertisement from a Gisborne papen of a coming dance, which the Maoris intend to hold at Te Kun Said advertisement does not give the date on which the hop will eventuate or the building, but it gives a list of the prizes the best dancers will eet, and states underneath — "Cup of Tea, 6d." Mr. Warpara, who is the organiser, states that it will "Commence from 7 p.m to daylight." Also, that "Gentlemen Is, ladies free." The inducement "7 p.m. to daylight" is a pointer for slower Wellingtonians. ♦ ♦ ♦ The Wairarapa "Star" waxes satinoail at the decreasing minimum age for Contingent recruits. It suggests that for the Eleventh the War Office will notify, "That babies in arms will not be admitted unless accompanied bv their mother." It further adds that it fails to see that fooling the Empire with babes and suckliners is a satisfactory pxp region of loyalty

A Notv Plymouth couple, who were made one last week, to the accompaniment of oiange blossoms* and old slippers, have a bone to pick with the railway authorities. They were, of course, coming to Wellington for the honeymoon, and a goodly crowd of E.Ms. subjects were there to give them a parting boot and some unboiled rice. Naturally the guard reserved a car for them and Mary occupied it whale hubby was looking after mountains of lu^fjaee and kopjes of bonnet boxes Then the bell rang, the guard locked the doors, and the train moved off. * * * Foitunatelv, the rush hubby made did not derail the train, but Mary's door was locked. and, though she unsuccessfully tried to pull him through the window , he had to crawl along the footboard, and pined in single blessedness in the guard's van for many a weary mile A man in lavender pants and a big buttonhole was certainly fair sport for a facetious guard and the fact that a twenty-year-old grass widow being so near to her so re-cently-annexed, and yet so far, micrht aipnoal to the hardest-hearted married man of tw r o score and ten. * ♦ # There was a bit of a scene in a tram to Newtown on Saturday night last. It started with the hurried entrance of a stout and perspiring dame of fort^-five or thereabouts, who tried to make things comfortable for her fifteen stone of avoirdupois by wedging into a six-inch seat and crushing a very thin woman up against' the end of the car. The thin woman, with a look of resigned martyrdom, put up with that terrific squeeze for some time in silence But human nature was too strong for her. and, at last, she remarked, in freezing tones "They ought to charge bv weight in these trains." It was like the flourish of ai red rag to the ,=tout woman. ''What ? " she exclaimed "they oup-ht to charge by weight, d'ye say ? Well, my good woman, it's lucky for you that they don't. If they did charge by weight only then the trains couldn't afford to stbp for the likes of you." The other woman dropped the subject like a hot potato. * • • Dear Lance. — As one of a community of languishing bachelors, I beg you will permit me to correct, the error in your issue of the sth instant (page 12) referring to the alleged "grievance" of the damsels of Dunedin, at "the dearth of marriageable men in this colony." Statistics for April, 1896 gave for the colony, males 393.098, females 350 126, w r hich makes us short of girls by 42,972. T cannot put mv hand upon the last returns at the moment, but the discrepamev of the sexes i<=i bv them increased to about 45,000 A ereat deal hanes bv tbpse facts which would be profitable for editors to inquire^ into The present Generation of girk seem bv the

facts, to lack the sturdy courage of their mothers, and cling to a gregarious and luxurious bfe in cities, rather than give the* comfort of their presence to their brothers in the "baokblocks." — Yours, etc., Babkis is Willin', Pahiatua. — [The last census shows there are 39,265 more pakeha males than females, but when you come to balance the adult bachelors and spinsters, the former cannot have much of a start, and in the larpe towns are outnumbered we behc\e—Ed F.L.]