Entre Novs.

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 80, 11 January 1902, Page 12

Entre Novs.

THERE is oue young fellow in the camp at Tientham who put hvbest foot foi ward ail right to get mto the ELghth Contingent He was a volunteer, but had never bestiidden a gee-gee How then washe to pass the ruling test ? He solved the problem Took" a holiday from his employment hned a nag fiom a, hvery stable, and put in a solid fortnight's ndmg evercise He was ,\t it morning, noon, and night, .unl, though just at first he sat around on cushions when at home, and was obsened to have a felt want for vaseline, his attachment to that neddy never wavered. The iruits of his industry came out in the riding test. He passed as ' one of the best," and now he > c duly tioketted foi .South Africa A good stor\ is told of a down-at-heels°actor, well-known in Wellington for has chronic thirst He turned up at flio Opera House, pleading for a job, and the stage managei benie willing to help a lame dog o\er a stile, asked if he could do the landlord in Intton's play, "The. Lady of Lyons." ''Do the landlord?" hiccuped the thirsty one "well, I should smile Guess I've 'done' * good many landlords m mi time " • * • Some of the junior officers, of the exploring ship Discos er\ did some mashing among the Christchuich girls before they departed foi the Antarctic region* One of them was indiscreet enough to mention that a certain young lady reminded him of the South Pole Of course, the remark was promptly carried to her and e(|uall\ of course, she sought an earh opportunity of taxing that particular young officer with hm offence. But he found an ingenious wav of escape from the- unexpected situation. "Quite right, I did compare you to the South Pole. I'm suie it's quite true too, because aou are '<-o' much sought after doncherknow " He scored all right • * * A nervous old party in Worcestei Was aroused from his sleep by ,1 rorcester He awoke with a snoic And. arising he swore This was more than his e«is could get vorcester * • * The latest Sydney jokehng (,sa\& the '•Bulletin") is to tell a friend that a telephone message has come while he was out Will he ring up, Paddington, and ask for Miss Jessie? 39 turns out to be the Zoo, and the only Jessie on the premises turns out to be the elephant The inanity spread to such an extent that the Zoo people were almost driven oui of their senses by repeated renuests foi "Miss Jessie," and had to arrange witr Paddington Exchange not to put anyone on to 39 without an understanding Whereupon irascible persons, whose besgirl was named "Jessie." or who wen confident of having charmed some Jessn or other bv their manly beauty and de portment, loudly demanded the mana ger and in one instance a city doctor who was asked b\ three different per sons to ring up ''39, ' made a scene

A gruesome and unusual spectacle w ab witnessed in Daanevxrke the other morning, when an elderly man, about the age of three-scoie, attracted much attention as he wheeled thiough the mam thoroughfare a hand-cart containing a partially-covered-up coffin. As lie wended his way along the street with the "black box," one was forcibly reminded of the great London plague History records the fact that on that memorable ocoasion undertakers paraded the streets with carbs, and accompanied with the ringing of bells cried out 'Bring out your dead'" The whole thing w ould have been complete had the Dannevirke undertaker provided himself with a bell, and hist on might then have been given a chance ot lepeatine itself. Truly the progress of modem civilisation is marvellous' After all perhaps the "gruesome affau wa* only an advertisement dodge » * * A company" of the Salvation Arnn on a recent Sunday, celebrated with much eclat and beating of drums the terrestrial joining of two young soldier* m the indissoluble bondfc of matrimony. The fact is, Brothei Oate* was duh joined to Sister Wheet Eveiythme went as, merr> as a marn age trombone the two weie made one and they leif the altar amid the wildest enthusiasm As they went out to face the world tr r flesh, and the rest of it the whole gathering broke out in stentorian accord "Oh, What will the harvest bee_e_ Oh' What will the ha-arve«T Dunne a recent field da\ in a town renowned for the veracity of its citizens a man of the mounted mfantn wa* "wies-ed" by the inspecting officer^ toi havino- dirtv stirrup irons Wh\," he said "it's the bright stirrup nous which are a mark for the Boer rifle* and so our men in the Transvaal are all shot down'" And le added with a prowl grin, 'Mine are all risrht '' He i* now gome awa\ with the 'Eighth" • ♦ ~ The angler bailies foith again, And by the Hutts low shoie Doth ldlv he and fish and then Goes home and lies some more * • * The fire of loyalty buiu.s bnghth m the bosom of the colonial jouth, a& is evidenced by several thousands of him volunteering for the new regiment Reading between the lines the loyalty in all cases is not of an aggressive +vpe, One recruit has just 'got the iun as ho says from the co-operative works, Read how this loyalist's heart is burstnio- with thoughts of deeds of derringdo" "As lam off to the Tiansvaal, and don't care a dump foT your loveh coun tr\ , your railway, and the gills don't care for me, you may rest assured I shall never come back again " The slim burgher wall certainly trj to assist him in his- resolution to never return » * * During the practical joke sea-son, laii nkins are sorting out ail the old dodges [ for giving people all the trouble consistent with their alleged humour Up the line, a week since, the inhabitants had foregathered socially to see the last I of 1901. There was a light sulkj outt side the hall, and one youngster sugr gested to a by-stander who had come i out to enjoy the moonlight L e *' s clear out with the sulky." Right \ou are'" said number two 'We'll t stick hei in the hotel yard c yon pull, and I'll drive" They P got to the hotel yard m good tune "Thanks vein' much," said numbei two I'll put the mail m myself Am timo • you w ant exercise you can have the loan of me and my buggy So long"' Buggy jokes are ''off" with numbei ono

A burglary . that the police have said not a word about, took place not five minutes' walk from New town on Tuesday night last Mrs Badgers he-aid him and told her sleeping spouse to get up and slay him He did not do so. however In the morning, much to his dismay he found his pockets empt\ or cash He admitted to his wife that there must have been a burglar around. Why didn't \ou get up and slay him as I told jou?" she queried 'Well, my dear if I had slain the thief I d be a widow er," and she guiltih emptied all the- moiipv back into his pocket t * * The service at a suburban chuicli iv* interrupted a Sunday or two ago b\ the stiange conduct of a tall, nice-look-ing mezzo-soprano a new-comer, who had been welcomed to the choir with open arms, because of her beautiful voice The young; lady was seen to stop shoit in the' middle of the hymn with hei mouth wide open, and an expression of mute agony in her eyes- She signalled appealmgh. and people stopped singing; to stare at her. so that in les<= than a minute's time she was the cyno suie of all eyes, and a great silence ha rl fallen upon 'the startled congregation. * * * The handsome songstress signalled again pointing helplessly towards he-wide-open mouth, and making piteous noises in he* throat, and at last an idea seized the clergyman and he went to hen rescue. It was all very simple The singer wore a full set of false teeth hinged at the back, and the hinges had caught in some way whilst her mouth was wide open to make way for the toi> note and the\ refused to work. * * * The Pollaxdian-Hawtrey cricket match on }{ondav last wa& productive of good tun, and some interesting little side shows One that particularly struck the peregrinating penman was enacted m a quiet corner of the field. One of Pollard's prettiest demoiselles and a Wellington friend of artistic propensi ties letired to have a little cricket all on their own " He bowled lobs, and she batted with grace and vigour. Soon the Wellington \ oungsters left the mere mule cricket to see the beauteous wil-low-wielder and her knight errant and lob bowler pla\ the game. * • • Th< lad\ la&hed out \igorouslj with hei bat and for every lash a boy letired from the field wounded somewhere bv the leather. So great were the number of casualties, and so large the number of volunteers who wished to lie wounded bv the ball fiom beauty's bat, that there were several incipient battles for the honour of being added to the list The popular little actress made a great Tiit " and drew an amazing house." The hits, howevei were ver\ "local" m many cases, and the hubiocK forgot to orvoore her performance

Ask in the clerical department of the U F.C.A for particulars of that boating achenture down at Sumner during the holidays You may find someone there who will give you a thrilling account of the affair Here are a few points for guidance Two Wellington youths — one of them a returned Contingenter — found themselves on the sands at Sumnen on Sunday week, in company with two -\oung Christchuroh pressmen, and two other chappies. They espied a dis-eno-iTed rowing boat, and sought and obtained the owner's permission to use it But, in oiving consent, he warned the amateur mariners to ''look out for the currents " When they got out some distance, the returned Contingenter peered through his gig-lamps, saw the currents rather near, and declared, by the ashes of his ancestors m far away Judea, he would swim ashore of the boat's head were not turned back. They took some time to debate the point, and, m the nudst of their argument, the dmg-\ did get into the currents, sure enough, and then the party began to taste aJI the novelty of a first-class sensation One young blood, who was not suspected of early piety, got down on his knees at onee — perhaps to see if the bun? was in its proper place- — while the others prepared for death in various w ays • • • The boat spun round like a teetotum, but more by good-luok than good management, the washed-out crew got her to the Beacon Rock, where they hung on by their eyebrows, with chattering teeth, for an hour. Finally, a lifeboat put out from Sumner, and when they were brought back there was a crowd of some 1500 or 2000 people on the pier to receive as limp a parcel of oarsmen as ever stepped ashore from the briny. Just now. there are two young men in Wellington whom wild horses won't drag into a rowing boat, and one of them declares that although he tasted a little excitement in South Africa, the Boer campaign was dull as ditch-water compared with the time he had at Sumner on Sunday week. Can you pick them? • * * After a somewhat protracted run of more or less broken-down companies that have plagued the town of Dannenrke with their bad acting bad scenery, etc , and who, to make matters worse, "balanced" nearly everybody who had any dealings with them, the Bush City w r as convulsed with excitement the other day when the news got abroad that the custodian of the local theatre had actually received payment three weeks in advance for hire of the building from the Sheridan ("Widow OBrien") Company. The proverbial oldest inhabitant says it is the first time suc'li a notable event, has hanpeaed in the history of the town. Evidently. Danvtpyirko is in luck's wav at last.

Anti-Boemm lost a Northern "sport ' a very handsome dividend a week 01 two ago. Bd> horse bronje was running in d handicap He was ht and well, with a big chance. One friend tapped him. as a «ure thing, but his mate scorned the idea of "putting hia gonce on a bally Dutchman." Cronje, out ot pure cusiednes-s, and for the purpose ot this true talc-, lomped home an easy winner b;> a couple of lengths 'What about, the Dutchman now, Mick? asked the proud backer of Cronje, showing his divvy to the Pro-Britisher. ''Oh, I'd rather lose mv last bean than back a Dutchman'" He is not going with the Eighth" though. • ♦ * The weekly Palmeraton North joke has struggled to the surface It is as good a sample as any of its predecessors The people who are not land agents m Palmerston North are practical jokeis Tins yarn is about a chap who is not a land agent "Smarty" thought ho would like a sensation so by inuendo md oral advertisement, lie dul> killed an absent f mend Palmerston mourned the loss of so good a citizen, were sorry the deceased hadn't got a widow re whom they could raise subscriptions and awaited the return of the corps, with sorrow in their hearts, and thoughts of marble tombstones in then minds # . The "corpse" came one day b> the early train, not in "cerements ot woo and a wooden suit, but hale, heart y, and in the flesh. After has friends had got over their surprise, they told the return ed "corpse" the name of the author ot his death, and the dear defunct rung him up. "Are you there?" «jked he "Yes, is that you — ?" "Yes. I m speaking from the other world Satan haa just told me that he wants a Prelaw liar and. having heard somethrna of your reputation in that line, He is anxious to know when you are corning down" '' ' "What's that?' B»r the other fellow had run" off, and now the practical joker is trying to keep a stiff lip aeainst a laushme community. • • • Seems that a certain medium-sized town, between her and the Bluff, recently got a Local Good Templar lodge in working order. The local people gave a concert, the proceeds of which were to go to found the branch. The leadins local singer was a convive, a. eood feJlow, a Bohemian, what you like, but he was too good a singei to miss Ho sang "Simon the Cellarer," and the unregeJierates at the rear of the hall encored him. The pure-water people in the front rows looked particular dagsrrs, hut he sang "Pour out the Rhine Wine," as an encore with much soul

Thereafter, arose the patriarch of the flociv, and seathea the curwxi clnnk m bitter worus. ' AWiuliy bad taste of you, Fluter, to slug drinking songs at a teetocaL .show," said a friend "s'po&e you had forgotten;"' ' Weil, to tcIL the truth, I did, until I went down to the refreshment-room, cabled for a wlusky, and found there was only lemonade." Mr. l<luter's name is not ou the piogramme for the lodge's next musical entertainment. « * * He is a rather shy young marned man, and it was the hrst tame he had gone forth from Wellington to spend the Christmas holidays Otaki was the place chosen, and his wife and onh daughter — a little chatterbox of fourpreceded him to the hotel where he had engaged quai ters. His youthful daughter met him on the evening of his. arrival, and led him m glee towards the hotel where the other guests were seated upon the verandah, reading papers and books, and otherwise amusing themselves. They took not the slightest notice of the new arrival, but the little maiden dropped a bomb amongst them bv calling out to all and sundr\ Look here, this is ray Papa'" They looked, but that was all , they were a stvhsh lot and there was too muoh starch for a smile • * • The shy vouner married man felt the situation' gainfully. That is why he didn't venture to lead his wife and daughter vito the dininer-room when the bell rane for dinner until all the other guests were seated. He would not have ventured at all had he known the further tm' in «tore for him. For ]ust as poon as tne^ crot well inside the ioom tho rmiden of four sprang another sensation nnon the comnany. The soup ww >iein<r served and, a« her Papa was seleeti""" hi* °e^t c he called out "Now you must all shut your eves till mv Pa divn cTi(v^!" Fven starch could not wi^h^+and +V>i+ Pa now s>u-s he }r^ rionA vr\ l h Vo+eH and lodcrinor-hoiise<? for future V^liflsjvti He must have a cottage of his own bv the sea • • * A "Hallelujah" wedding in connection with the Army took place art. Dannevirke last Sunday. The cosmopolitan crowd who pushed their way into the barracks to witness the performance were convulsed with laughter when the bridegroom, m relating how he was lost in the bu*h a few years ago, innocently stated that as the day was bitterly cold he jumped into a creek "to keep himself "warm 1 " The crowd, however, pereeivine the newly-made husband was already m "hot water," and taking into consideration the trying ordeal which he had iu«t undergone, roccused his strange utt prances.