Entre Novs.

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 79, 4 January 1902, Page 12

Entre Novs.

A YOUTHFUL piobationei hah been doing suppl\ " foi a local church. The pool fellow is a weo bit nervous, and, in giving out the notices last Sundaj he included the following — "On Sunday next the new hymn books will be issued Ladies can bung then babies to be christened at the afternoon service Xr — I nia\ sa\ that should anj of the congregation not posse •<<■ them, they can be. obtained from the verger, price Is each, extia strong with red backs, Is foci eacli " * +■ »■ Vive l'amoui ' A piopos a. perfectly true and romantic little tale has come under our notice. A verj young and ordinarily ardent young lady quite a long time ago fell over head and ears in love with an estimable young man whe like the historic Barkis, "was willin' " Thi« was in a certain town up the line, and the Wellington Pa and Ma, who had themselves fallen in love as juveniles and, m consequence, allowed no latitude to their offspring, sent her orders to come to Wellington at once, awaj from the influence of her lover She came but. unfortunately for the designs of parents, love laughs at parental orders a.well as locksmiths, and the voting man followed. « • • He had confidence, and a&ked Pa point blank for his daughter. Pa was adamant, and the young man told him that he would marry the girl in spite of him One day a few months ago the girl having arrived at an age of discretion and her majority, she. with a friend met her lover, who also came supplied with a ''second," and before the mornin~ gale had. sprung up or the new water cart had been unloaded from the shio those twain had become one The girl went to her home and the man to his office. The man came round the. parental back-yard as usual but ho wa.s also, as usual, duly "sooled » * * Ma showed her daughter the tolh of giving way to the same sort of thing that had made her happy at twenty and still refused her permission Oh, but you can't refuse. Ma l " Ma could, and would. ''Oh, but I am married. Ma " Ma was horror-struck, of couise and when the male parent came home fiom the city the wilful ways of youth weie fully discussed, and angry words spoken, but, after things had simmered down, they "made it up" all round happiness and confidence were restored, the young husband was installed in the easiest chaii and the house of tihe voting couple is now quite snug with contributions from the pacified parents • • • Under the spreading chestnut-tiee the village smithy stands hut there the villa c smith \ stands, but theie tbr> smith no longer wields the sledge will sinewy hands. The olden sign of "Blacksmith's Shop" there greets the eve no more but ''Bysiokles Re-pared" is seen above the smok\ door

A smart general,' otheiwise a ladvhelp. is. left witli auothei lad\-cook in charge of the domestic economy of a town house which shall be nameless In a&buming the direction of the house, Mariann. the help, oftimes assumes the garments of her employer Cook, on Boxing Day said she would look after things while Mariana went up the country to see her parents Mariann went, togethei with the finest portmanteau oh the pre.in.ises, the thing in summei hats and roallv tlie smr of a peison of quality Transpires that lier paaents Ine m Wellington and that Mariann meielv went. aw.v to burst upon the astonished vision of the dwellers b\ the Hut + banks with her town fmer\ . But she had to come back on Friday last Sl' came in bv the morning tram, a.nd looked haughtily round the station platfoi m Could yon — cr — teJl me whether theic is a ca,b about, my man?" she queued of a porter. ''Wai, no. m\ girl, T couldn't but A 7 er mot'hor's here witl the barrow '" Whereat someone had the efFionten to grin The candidate was at the hustings, and he wa.s dilating on his "platform" yen ooiLsiderabh , and with the flue no born of a long life spent m hawking vegetables. ' What we want is the meat tax " said he. Yes, we want a meat axe toi the lakes of you " put in a fiank electoi from the body of the hall I rhdn't ca.tch the point of the last observation " said the candidate "No," said the electoi 'we'd have to use the blunt edge to \ ou "

The Newtown enfant terrible/ aged twelve, and of the masculine gender, is making the best of his holidays. He lay in wait fQr his sister's "financey" (as pa calls him), and asked him point blank if he was going to propose to her that bright glad Boxing Day. The "finance* " blushingly didn't know, but said lie might. The terrible one said that he only wanted to tell him that Mabel had made the necessary preparations that the gas was already turned down m the best room. Pa was snoring over the paces of the ' Night Owl " and the sofa was in the darkest corner. * * * Also, that she had been practising 'Because I Love You," all day. and was going to play it as soon as she heard his footstep on the gravel. He might go light in with every chance of a victory and an "Oh, this is so sudden, Theodosius'" Mabel had but played the first bar of that historic melody when the gate shut to with a loud, oilless bang and the gravel that was toi crunch under Ills feet of love remained uncrunched Tnstead the asphalt rang with the he aw stamps of retreating American boots, and Mabefl, a week after the event I s - still wondering why her Theoclomus ho«itates to ' pop." • • • Deai Lance. — Wish you could skip up here, and have a look at the Eketahuna County Council. They are as funny as a comic opera. Some are too big foi their boots, and give themselves no end of airs. Some are like the fly in amber — the wonder is. how they got there at all. Do oome up, and have a peep at them --Yours. Morepork

Fireworks usually cause some kind of disturbance, usually atmospheric, but often human. These sage remarks may apply to the case between the fireworks contractor and the City Council. And. speaking of firework-mak-ers, reminds us that one recently died. The widow was very anxious to have a suitable epitaph for his tombstone. She searched the cemeteriai for inspiration and she found in the eipitaph of a great musician, the very thins? 'He has (said the stone) gone to n j y place wneret nis music is excelled She rushed home overjoyed. This, is the copy she gave to the mason tor transmission to the dear defunct's monument — Erected by his Spouse to the memory of -Manufacturer of Fireworks. "He has gone to the only place where Ins works are excelled." • • • The Maoris are incensed because they are not allowed to go to Africa to "kiki* te > Poa. A week ago, in the wilds of \\nan<^no.uia. a stalwart Maori heard that there was a Boer gumdigger working with spade and spear not far from his ancestral whare. He sallied out to do battle He found the Dutchman sitting at the door of his whare 'You te Poa?" he said. "Yes, I'm a Boer what d'you want, nigger." The Maori commenced dancing a wild war dance around his victim, and made a very wicked rush for his enemy to wipe him off the face of the earth at one fell swoon. * * ♦ Apparently, the Dutchman did not mind. He pounded what is commonly called 'seven, bells" out of the "zwart schelm,'' and, sitting on his fallen enemy, filled his pipe. 'You goin' to kill the Boer now?" he queried, as he annlied the match. "My word," answered the Maori, "I t'ink you tell a lie, I b'leeve you a Noo Zealander like myself." But he wasn't, and that Maori is staying at home, even if a Maori Contingent does go to Africa to face Slim Piet. A well-known member of the legal profession in Wellington noticed his young olive branches deeply engrossed in amateur theatricals one day last week. He had taken them to see Miss Waldorf in "Romeo and Juliet," and it had evidently made it« impression. He found that his young hopefuls had carefully written a libretto of the immortal drama and were rehearsing tlhedr '"lines" with a view to performance later on. He obtained permission from the authors to peruse it. This is what he read — "Prince and Romeo have a fight ; in comes Romeo's father and separates them , in comes Romeo's great friend Jim. and the Devil. The Devil kills Jim. Charlie comes in and says Jim is dead, and Romeo puts his face in his hands, and Charlie says to Romeo "Hero comes the Devil, again," and Romeo kills the Devil, Romeo climbs over the gaol wall, and Julia appears on the balcony, and Romeo i§ le&vine; the staeie, wh<*n Julia says Homoo were art thouP'"

He could not wait You bee the hamper packed with champagne and creature comforts was unfortunately delivered at the office, neai the Qua\ w here the hero ot this little yarn earns his income and to en is human." He broached the hampei and sampled a "gold top " He found it excellent— in fact, the woik he did after half a bottle of ' fizz" quite astonished him. He tried another halt bottle and, in fact, for quite a lone time he dodged too and fro between the "cellar" (a heap of waste paper) and his work. Soion the heat of the office the wliirr of the engines, and the iov of the season overcame him • » * He wanted to make a name tor himself, and a fellow-worker, arriving oil the scene, found the hamper owner declaiming to an imaginary audience on many diverse topics. The fellow-vtoik-er did not wish the "boss" to find hi^ mate celbrating the glad Yuletide thu«ly. He looked him in, and went for a cab ' The "boss" arrived shortly after. and unlocking the door, discovered the giddy reveller "and gave him sundry jobs requiring a cool head and a steady hand It aavs something for the "boss" that, when that office reveller informed him that a friend was just then looking foi a cab to take him and his hamper home he "tumbled" to the situation and wished him the compliments of the season and unlimited "gold top " • • * Waihi furnishes New Zealand with many sensational news items Sometimes a man has been blown to pieces with dynamite, dissolved in cyanide, or smashed to bits by falling down a shaft Sometimes public* interest is aroused b\ a new newspaper starting a citizen building a wing on ha& shop or the County Council distributing a yard ot metal over six miles of streets The miners off shift discuss politics and conciliation awards on the sills of the shop windows, and make it unnecessary for the owners to clean the lower half of the plate-glass. • • • Just recently, a burly mmci perched himself on a sill, leant back, and prepared himself to show his> mates what would happem if the town was formed into a borough, and run on ordinarily decent lines Suddenly his mates found themselves talking to his feet, for the rest of him was exploring the interior of the shop, and endeavouring to kick clear of fancy goods. He got his broad back under a shelf, and lifted The proverbial bull in an earthenware emporium was not in it with the smash the miner effected, and there is a rumour that the first tiling the new Town Council will be asked to do will be to put anti-sitting spikes along shop-win-dow sills.

Noticed a, laige, important-looking Mciii'i at (lnutJi In en take chaige ot i tranuai at the Bavin Resei\e one da\ last weeik Two voungei clerics weie standing outside to gne the inside ladle* fair room Burh good-natured bumming o\ ci with the milk of human kmdne-<s — and self-zmpoi tanee — the new - romei v\ithout 'b\ \our leave " 01 din other woids, squeezed himself alongside a small delicate-looking lad\ to hei \t>i\ evident discomfort Also he transferred a small child 'who had plent\ of room) from the other side ot the car so that he could squeeze the lad\ 'aine more and gain a reputation for domestic habits ♦ » * Then, he leaned his anatomy ovei the lady, and talked egotisticalh to a person m the far end of the car about himself and the dear children, and the hole in the church roof and the Dorcas meeting, and the poor suffering heathens m the ivilds of New Guinea The sandwiched lady protested silently The gentlemen of the cloth outside observed her discomfort, but the man of many parts still leaned, and breathed on and jammed the unoffending female Probably he preaches the virtues to hundreds of the youth of Wellington weekly Possibly, he might take a leaf from his own book himself and learn it bv heart for future usp in tram-cars London "Times' ib at piesent difecuss ing a point interesting to colonnl soldiers Under Arm\ regulations tl c Distinguished Conduct Medal carries with it a gratuity of £20. Colonial* who ha\e gained the distinction having applied for the gratuity are told thit it onl\ applies to men of the regular Army Apparently every stringent regulation is enforced on colonial soldiers who swear to serve under the conditions of the Army Act but some of the advantages seem to be withheld. Quite a lot of £20 notes are due in New Zeq land if justice is to be done Having moved the War Office v>n other matters, the Defence Department might, well try its hand to set justico for its distinguished conduct men in this way # » * Imagine a country that prohibits trade lies ' Germany is that hapDv land Tf a man tells you in letters a foot long that he is selling below cost the police look up his invoices, and make the actual reduction. If you have consumption, and take Corfinhauser's Lung Balm for a while, and still have consumption, you sue Corfinhauser — and ruin him in damages If you sell the best hat in the market," the other hatteirs sue you for libelling their goods and the pills thart are worth a guinea a box are simply soap, aloes, and gineer. iti Germany are worth as much as they are sold at, or else the police analyst comes round with his took and proves

scientifically that ' you're another." This German law is simply ruining the salvage sale business of the German Fatherland Even the drapers find tha<t they cannot resurrect last year's stock, tack 10 per cent, on, and call it New season's goods at below cost price." Pity the Germans do not insist upon the truth being told in their political and international relations as well as m their internal industry. » * * Why they always tell this kind of yarn about Dunedin is hard to imagine. exeent that that city may contain one or two samples of the kind of man introduced herewith. Seems, according to the veracious chronicler, who bearded the scribbler in his den, that on the seaboard somewhere between Port' Chalmers and the city of ten thousand Scots, a boy, who had strayed from his male parent, fell into the sea. A gallant rescue was effected bv a by-stander, who had no time to throw any of his clothes off. When the nair had spluttered themselves into safety, and the rescuer had returned the youth to his paternal relative, said relative scanned him with an eve of Aberdonian grey, and remarked ' An' what hae ye done wi his hat 5 " • * The difference between the manner in which doctors treat private patients and patients who are members of lodges has e-\ er been a source of dissatisfaction, though how much is true, and how much is false, is hard to determine. The fact remains that there is a very common consensus- of opinion that the difference does really exist. As an illustration, we quote the following instance from a provincial town, where a person summoned a doctor who stated that the patient had very serious symptoms, and he would have to visit him twice a day for some time. "How fortunate," exclaimed the siok man, ''I've just joined the lodge." "Lodge?" exclaimed the medicine man "Then take a packet of salts '' * • » The number of people who were going to have fowl for Christmas, and did not, would fill a good many pages of the electoral roll. Sundry wails are heard throughout the land touching the fowl or the turkey fattened up to grace the festive board that did not arrive at its destination One Wellington poultryraisei with a large family, with a ditto appetite, might have been seen on Christmas Eve wanderiii" round all the poultry shops looking out for his 1 missing birds, which had mysteriously disappeared He noticed several birds in one shop 1 with a peculiar shade of leg, and he swore the plumn cockerels were tlip very ones he had reared. • * • The small boy, of course, gathered to heai the altercation about the fowls in question and the alleged owner, who

had regained possession of one, was gesticulating wildly with the peculiarlyfeinted fowl in his hand. The said small hoy had Invested in some remarkably fine crackers, and he introduced tha finest of them into the wild man's pooket. The immediate result of this devioe was to make the wild man drop the disouted fowl. Possession being nine points of the law. the boy with thefoiH certainly had the law on his side, for the last seem of him was "•oinsc into the nearest cut for Newtown, with a present for mother under his arm. Half the world doesn't know how the other half live«. sure enough

Steams' Headache Cuke delights all wh» use it. It is so nice to take and acts SO promptly and pleasantly. Cuies all kinds of headaches.